Muahahaha!

Cookie biz

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cookie-biz-zero-dean

I’ve finally decided that I want in on this Girl Scout cookies thing.

As such, it is my pleasure to announce that I am founding the Giant Female Cyborg Pirate Ninja Cookie Company – or GFCPNCC for short.

I should also point out, it’s our cookies that are giant, not our female cyborg pirate ninjas (those are just regular size).

Giant or not, those Girl Scouts don’t stand a chance against the GFCPNCC army! Muahahaha!

Also, I’m pretty sure our cookies will be reasonably delicious.

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Originally published on: Oct 3, 2014 @ 12:42

Whipped cream is the new honey butter?

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pumpkin-pie-bagel-with-whipped-cream-zero-dean

Walk up to cafe counter.

“Zero! What can I get you?”
“I would like a pumpkin pie bagel… with whipped cream & marshmallows.”
“Ok… Wait. Are you being serious.”
“Yup. I’m being serious.”
“Ooookay.”

Awww yes. I’m just a kid cleverly disguised as an adult.

Muahahaha!

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An unexpected guest

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an-unexpected-guest-zero-dean

I think I’m going to start a meet-up group for mail order brides.

And then just sort of show up.

*”Oh, hi. Yeah, I’m single. Do you speak English?”

…

There’s a slight chance that I haven’t thought this all the way through.

… Or maybe I have! Muahahaha!

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From the comments:

David: I read that as “mail order bribes” and thought that would save a lot of time.

Zero: Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Mail order bribes. It’s brilliant!

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Likers Incorporated

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I’m thinking about starting a “Like service”. It would basically be like a dog walking service, but instead of walking your dogs when you’re not available, it’s a service that likes posts for you on Facebook.

Heck, maybe it’ll be a whole Social Media outsourcing service.

That way you can *appear* to be active on social media without ever having to actually spend any time on it.

That’s right, for only $5 per week I will take care of all of your social media responsibilities.

And for only $5 more, I will pretend to be your boyfriend (or girlfriend).

And for $5 more, I will actually be your boyfriend or girlfriend. As long as you don’t mind if I see other people. And make money from them.

Lots and lots of money.

Muahahaha!

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Stunning

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stunning-zero-dean

Confession of the day:

When people refer to things as “stunning” and I am not stunned by those things, it makes me feel powerful because I am obviously immune to being stunned by things that are stunning.

“What a stunning photo!”
“Ha! I don’t feel anything! I’m unstoppable! MUAHAHAHA!”

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The know-it-all

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the-know-it-all-zero-dean

Since they say that “every person you meet knows something you don’t”, I’m now requesting that everyone I’ve ever met to tell me all the things they know that I don’t know.

This is my latest foolproof way to make certain that I know all the things!

Muahahaha!

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Locker flair

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locker-flair-zero-dean

Email from a friend of mine in London this morning:

“A quote from you hangs on the locker of one of the trainers at my personal training gym…”

Nice! Between this, being read on the radio earlier this year (1)(2), and getting quoted in a job application cover letter, I just need my own action figure — with spring-loaded ass-kicking, bubblegum-chewing action — and my preparations for world domination life will be nearly complete.

Muahahaha!

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Rise my army!

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rise-my-army-zero-dean

Rise my army! It is time! Muahahaha!

We shall show these humans what it means to be ruled over!

We shall, once and for all– [what? The Atomizer Ray isn’t ready? What do you mean it isn’t ready? I’ve already started my speech! Whose fault is it this time? It’s… What do you mean it’s my fault? I explicitly told you… What? Wrong date? Oh. Well that would explain it. Ok then. As you were.]

Um, well, never mind, folks. Forget all this. Just a little joke. Nothing to see here.

Happy Monday.

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Smart club

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smart-club-zero-dean

I’m thinking about creating a club for really smart people.

And then I’m going to sit back and steal their ideas.

Muahahaha!

From the comments:

Mike: If they’re smart enough to fall for this, how smart are they?

I think I’ll open a competing club, of people who are too smart to be in clubs. I think this is where the action will be.

Zero: Hmmm… they don’t have to be THAT smart. Just smarter than ME.

Now I have to ask myself, am I the sort of person that would join a club for smart people? And I say, yes… because I would consider being in the club a compliment!

But then, if I’m in a club for smart people, but I’m not that smart, then how many of my ideas would be worth stealing?

Crap. I would be useless in that club.

So I guess if I were running the club, I would have to make sure I wasn’t allowed in it.

So wait… what was the question again?

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