The spin cycle

That awkward moment you’re in a laundromat and one of the washers near you goes into the spin cycle…

And it sounds similar to a jet preparing for take off…
And everything starts shaking…
And you look out the window and you’re at 35,000 feet.

OK, well, except for that last bit, it’s all true!

I finally understand Whoopie

No one ever tells you this, but the older you get, the more your eyebrow hairs will decide to grow out in whatever direction they want, regardless of how much regardless of how much you may disapprove of their defiant acts of independence.

I hope this warning will leave you better prepared than I was.

Every day

Every day I wake up with the belief that it’s going to be an awesome day and I’m going to get so much done!

And then my actual day starts. At which point, it becomes an epic battle between my what I have planned and what life actually has in store for me.

And what does this title mean?

I’m a writer. And it’s a good thing, too. Because the fact is, I write much better than I speak. But that’s not the only thing I am.

Artist? Sure. Humorist? Sometimes. A man who often eats cereal for lunch? It’s true. But I’m also a psychic. And I bet you didn’t see that one coming! (Unless, of course, you are also a psychic like me). But anyway. Do you know how I know I’m psychic? Because I know what you’re thinking…

“If he writes this poorly…” and “Where is all of this going?” and “When is this comic going to end?” and “Oh wait, here it is.” and “Oh, damn! That wasn’t the end! He fooled me!” and “OK, here’s the real ending.”

*And “Was that supposed to be funny?”

I used to be funny

That awkward moment you update a social media profile and among other details, you write, “I used to be funny”. And regardless of whether other people ever found you funny or not, the fact that you no longer do is kind of depressing.

And it eventually eats at you so much that it compels you to try to find the humor in your life. And as you do, you find it. And it reminds you that as dark as the world can sometimes appear, it doesn’t mean that your life isn’t still full of silly ridiculousness.

The fact is, when times are tough, humor is often what we need to survive those times without going completely mad. If you can find the humor in life and make someone laugh, do it. Even if that someone is you.

I used to be funny. I still am. But I used to be, too.
*Nod to Mitch Hedberg

You feel me?

When people respond to something I say by saying, “I feel you!”, I wonder which part of me they think they’re feeling.

Because, frankly, if someone says they feel me and I don’t feel them feeling me, it probably means they’re either doing it on the sly or part of my body is numb.

You feel me?

Up to 7 billion people agree!

I think it’s kind of silly when advertisements claim “up to” amount for whatever it is they’re advertising. Because life experience tells me that I’ll nearly never get the maximum amount of whatever it is they claim.

I don’t care if a cell phone offers “up to” 10 hours of battery life. And I don’t care if I might save “up to” 25{82b2ded5ae086bbe31c001f0374079c9503b180ae813ec027549eb44365a9474} when I buy one.

If companies really wanted to be bold, they would tell me that, that no matter what I do, I can expect “at least” [whatever it is]. Because that will likely prove to be far more accurate and more relevant to most people than any claims of “up to”.

*Even if you qualify it with “most people can expect to get a minimum of”, that’s far more useful to most people than “up to”.