Humor & awkward moments by Zero Dean based on weird thoughts & real-life experiences often presented in webcomic format.
Dear Facebook Ads,
Thank you for pointing out my singleness and suggesting that I:
“Meet local women that love to disc golf.”
I’m not saying that wouldn’t be awesome, but seriously — I’ve got much sexier “likes” than THAT.
For example…
Crap.
OK FINE.
You win this round.
Originally published on: Feb 7, 2012 @ 12:20
Dear grammar checking program I just installed,
I don’t need you be underlinging words and making suggestions and sheet. Y’all is making me second guess myself.
Imma just ignore you.
My My grammar be fine! Spelling too fool! O_O
Related:
From the comments:
Corey: That damn paper clip from Microsoft Word is the reason I can’t sleep at night…horrendous nightmares
Zero: The paper clip from Microsoft has fallen on some hard times.
Originally published on: Sep 23, 2014 @ 17:08
Dear The Huffington Post,
With regard to your article titled, “Why some people may be more likely to become parents.”
I think I know this one.
Is the answer, “They have unprotected sex?”
I hope so.
Dear person who invented the word “yacht”…
I thacht you acht to know that I think it’s nacht hacht how you spelled yacht and I think you acht to be shacht for spelling it that way.
Whacht? O_o
Related:
Originally published on: Oct 13, 2011 @ 11:29
Dear Universe,
I will continue to open or hold doors for people regardless of how many times I fail to be acknowledged…
But I appreciate the discipline it’s teaching me to not want to say, “You’re welcome!” and smack them on the back of the head. ;)
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*Never let the selfish or ungrateful actions of a few spoil it for the many.
Regardless of whether you’re acknowledged or not, your acts of kindness help set a good example for others to follow.
And if you are truly acting out of kindness, it isn’t for the “thanks” or the acknowledgement. It’s simply because you want to.
And the world could always use more kindness and more good examples. So don’t stop.
Whether you’re acknowledged or not, your kindness is far more appreciated than you realize.
Dear voices in my head,
Some of you are freaking hilarious. Seriously. Keep that shit up.
*Some of you others, though… you need to calm down. It’s going to be ok.
Dear words that look wrong when spelled correctly,
Stop doing that.
Related:
Dear lady in aisle 5,
It occurs to me that the reason screaming at your kids to calm down is largely ineffective may be because you are screaming at your kids to calm down.
And also because they’re kids.
I always find it a little sad that every time I go into a public restroom that has one of those koala baby changing stations, there are never any baby koalas available.
4:36 PM
Dear Internet –
Is there an underground marsupial trading business that I don’t know about and how would I get in touch?
Asking for a friend.
Also, live dinosaurs.
Again, asking for a friend.
Related:
Dear people who replaced by car window and tinted it for me yesterday…
When you took apart my door to put the glass in, you had to take out several screws in the door to do it.
Well… I’m pretty sure those screws you took out are still sitting on your garage floor somewhere… 500 miles from my current location.
Funny. You screwed things up by unscrewing things up. And now I’m the one who’s screwed.
Fortunately, I’m not classy. And duct tape fixes everything!
Just kidding. No duct tape necessary. Apparently, other than the fact that it’s difficult to open that door from the outside, my door doesn’t need those screws.
Heck, maybe I’ll just have that door welded shut and make any potential dates get in “Dukes of Hazzard” style (for the win!).
Related:
From the comments:
Corey: Would said dates be wearing Daisy Dukes? And what if you get lucky? Then you’ll be doubly screwed thanks to the screw up that left your screws unscrewed.
Zero: That’s the truthiest thing I’ve read all day!