Time Tide

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When I finally get my time machine working, don’t forget to remind me to take a Tide Stain Stick back in time with me.

I can think of nothing more impressive than performing stain removing miracles for folks living in primitive times.

All those hippies in the 60’s will worship me like the cell phone wielding, Kool-Aid stain removing deity that I am.

They will bow to my colorfasting greatness!

And then I will invent Post-it notes! And bottled water! And selfies! And MySpace! And Jurassic Park!

Muahahaha!

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Dear parallel universe # 1,005,004,056

dear-parallel-universe-1005004056-zero-dean

Dear parallel universe #1,005,004,056,

When it’s finally my turn to design version 2 of the human body, let it be known that “sweat control” will be on the list of body modifications.

Simply put, I want to control from where I sweat and how much I sweat.

To put it frankly, I think this whole butt sweat thing is unnecessary.

And while we’re discussing it, maybe we’ll do away with sweating altogether and just go the dog route.

Maybe the reason dogs are so happy all the time is they they’re not subject to looking like they wet their shorts after sitting in a pleather chair.

Panting, baby. It’s where it’s at.

Roof! Roof!

*Today I learned that dogs actually do sweat (from their nose and paws), but not for thermoregulation.

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Street names

That awkward moment you read a street sign wrong and you get excited at how geeky it is —

Only upon further inspection do you realize it’s not “Westworld St.”, it’s “Westwold”.

Street sign disappointment. *sigh*

Of all the cool names in the world, we have to keep sticking with the common ones.

When it’s my turn to name streets, my town will have streets with cool names like…

  • Bitchin St.
  • Purple Tentacle Rd.
  • That’s Not A St.
  • This Is A St.
  • In A Canoe I Rd.
  • I Found An Ave.
  • Street Sweeper St.
  • Redundant Rd.
  • Say It Again St.
  • I Like This St.
  • Lois Lane
  • Two Streets Over St.
  • Not On The Map Rd.

See? So much more fun.

And seriously, I was barely even trying here.

Street names. We can do better.

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Fashion rebirth

fashion-rebirth-zero-dean

When it’s my turn to rewrite fashion history, I’m going to allow for the modernization of fabrics (because sweat wicking technology and breathability is cool), but require that we stick with the fashionable attire of the Renaissance.

Admittedly, I just want an excuse to wear a cloak. (But that’s neither here nor there.)

All the amazing fashion opportunities that Renaissance style clothing would yield would be amaaaaaaze-zzzzing.

Also, no guns. Just bows and arrows. And laser pistols.

Ah, man. The heck with waiting… Maybe I should start a petition.

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Control Z

That awkward moment you start to draw with a pencil, make a mistake, and immediately want to hit UNDO.

“But don’t it have an eraser, Zero?” you ask (you might want to work on your grammar, by the way).

Yeah sure, it has an eraser! Sort of.

I mean, smudging the paper isn’t exactly what I call “erasing”. It’s permanently scarring the paper to remind me how much I stink at drawing.

That thing at the butt end of a pencil should be called a “smudger”. And when I run this end of the galaxy, that’s what it shall be called.

But until then, I will push on in this weird analog world with no undo.

Besides, I’m just going to take a picture of it and recreate it digitally when I’m done anyway. ;)

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Horn settings

horn-settings-zero-dean

When I am ruler of the Galaxy, I will decree that there will be three automobile horn settings.

  1. The friendly toot (less than .5 seconds)
  2. The default beep (max length 1 second)
  3. The angry honk (lower in tone. Max length 2 seconds.)

With only 1 press allowed per 30 seconds.

Yeah. That sounds about right.

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