the apocalypse

Apocalypse buddies

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In an attempt to encourage apocalyptic responsibility, I’ve decided that everyone should have an apocalypse buddy.

This is a person you look out for during apocalyptic times. It’s just like having a swimming buddy, but you know, for like the apocalypse.

And you should put this special person on your “social media speed dial”, so to speak.

You know, so you can help alert them to any apocalypse related issues (zombies, aliens, dinosaurs, robot assassins from the future…) and/or sweet loot (especially sweet loot!).

And since you’re probably going to add them to your social media speed dial right now, if you could just go ahead and add me, too, that’d be great.

Together we will rule the post apocalyptic world!

Muahahaha!

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Apocalypse alert system

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If the *apocalypse started, you’d tell me, right?

I mean, don’t assume that I already know, OK?

I don’t want to look up one day and see zombies banging on the window and be caught totally unprepared.

And I mean *any apocalypse! Zombies, aliens, Care Bears, Zombie Bees — Zombees!, the 4 Horsemen…er — Horsepeople, Y2K TWO, giant mutant radioactive squirrels, vegetarian zombie ski bunnies… You get the idea.

If you even just *think* the apocalypse is happening, even if you’re not sure, you tweet, text, email, or call me, OK?

‘Cause I will believe you! And together, we will rule the post apocalyptic world! Muahahaha!

Thank you.

Carry on, future apocalypse survivors!

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Good! How are you?

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So, the other night I posted about my excitement when conversations start with “Hey, my friend…” (especially with a Spanish accent).

Well, I just discovered that I’m not at all sure how I feel about conversations that start in Spanish and end in “my friend”.

You see, I don’t speak Spanish, and I have no idea what he said, but that didn’t stop me from responding with a solid “Good! How are you?”

I’m pretty sure he wasn’t asking me how I was, but my response seemed to work — and I wasn’t thrown out.

So perhaps that’s a solid answer for questions that start in Spanish and end in “my friend”?

“How do you feel about the world ending tomorrow, my friend?”

Good! How are you?

“What are the odds you and I can go home together, my friend?”

Good! How are you?

“Hello. My name is Indigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die, my friend!”

Good! How are you?

It just works. Sort of.

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You know, the world is ending tomorrow…

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So on the eve of the Apocalypse, a girl just expressed interest in me on Match, so I wrote her this letter…

Either I am a comedic genius or an offensive ignoramus — and sometimes you just don’t know where the line is until you cross it.

But hey — when you get me, you get ME. Social blunders and all.

But seriously — I DO love women with a sense of humor…

your-place-or-mine

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The end of dirty laundry as we know it

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Ladies, I don’t know what tomorrow has in store for us, but I just want you to know one thing…

That even though we may all be incinerated by massive sunflares, or blown to bits by incoming asteroids —

I’m STILL doing my laundry today.

Because I refuse to meet my doom in dirty underwear. (And I’m even throwing in a few extra dryer sheets for good measure.)

If that doesn’t show true character, I don’t know what does.

PS. I’m only 5 hours from Vegas… *wink* *wink*

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“I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” — Woody Allen

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Apocalypse hot.

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You know, I’m thinking the apocalypse may not be so bad.

You ever hear of the “office hot” phenomenon (where the attractiveness of someone increases due to a limited pool of people?)

I’m thinking that even if I get banged up a little, as long as I survive impending doom, I might just become “apocalypse hot”.

Suddenly being one of the last men on earth doesn’t sound so bad.

Plus —

“If I was one of the last men on earth, would you…?”

— wouldn’t be such a taboo question to ask ladies you just met.

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Looking for a few good nerds.

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Looking for a few good nerds.

Know Unix? I could use you for when the dinosaurs come.

Alien OS exploit specialist? Let’s express our independence.

Pint-size humanoid with hairy feet? You’re in my fellowship.

Blue-collar deep-core drillers? Come on, you don’t want to miss a thing.

Geologists specializing in the Earth’s electromagnetic field? You can become part of my core team.

Psychics and clairvoyants? You know my number.

Let’s do this.

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I survived the Y2K bug

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Look at it this way, if you weren’t fortunate enough to get your “I survived the Y2K bug” t-shirt (like I did), then a “I survived the apocalypse” t-shirt is like the next best thing.

Man… Y2K bug, now THAT was something, kids.

Every computer in the entire world just…

… kept on running. Business as usual. But we were scared, man.

We. were. scared.

Well, I was.

Got a cool t-shirt for the win, though!

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