To anyone truly worried about the apocalypse, please be assured that it’s not going to happen.
Trust me. I know. This news is coming directly from the transmission I’ve been picking up from our gray alien friends colonizing on the dark side of the moon.
In fact, they’re trying to keep it a surprise, but rumor has it that they’re planning a special “It’s not the end of the world” celebration tomorrow.
Lots of “fireworks” they say.