What I really need to do


What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover.

… But I’ll settle for a slightly used one.

As long as she still runs well, gets good mileage, and isn’t going to raise my insurance premiums.

RE: Dead Or Alive – Brand New Lover (video)

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Originally published on: Oct 29, 2014 @ 09:50

I brake for milkshakes.


In cafe.

One of the staff is sweeping near me, “You want a cinnamon bun?”

“600 calories!? No way.”
“Not if you split it 3 ways.”
“Whaaat? I’m not sharing my cinnamon bun with anyone!”

He laughs, “Hey, I’m almost out of here. You know, it’s funny, it got busy when you came in and it’s stayed busy.”

“That’s because my milkshake brings all the customers to the yard.”

*laughing intensifies*

But really, it’s the weather. Because if I actually had a milkshake, it would be gone already. Screw what I said about calories. We’re talking about sweet, delicious milkshakes here.

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RE: Kelis — Milkshake (video)

Some guys have all the luck


Whenever I’m out in public and I see a guy who’s obviously enjoying spending time with his girlfriend, I always want to stop and ask where he got her and if they had any more left.

*Still no idea why I’m single.

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RE: Rod Stewart — Some guys have all the luck (video)

When I get my hands on you


That awkward moment there’s a love song lyric that goes, “When I get my hands on you, I won’t let go.”

And I’m like, “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! That would be really inconvenient! I don’t want that! Stop chasing me!”

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RE: Donna Summer – This time I know it’s for real (video)


Might as well jump


That awkward moment you think that if you were an elephant, you’d spend a great deal of your time trying to jump.

And I bet the moment I did it, no one would be around to see it.

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*If an elephant jumps and no one is around to see it…

RE: Might as well jump Van Halen – Jump (video)



Feel the vibration

Once upon a time, I bought a razor with a battery in it. The battery makes the razor vibrate when I shave.

Because you need that.

More recently, I bought a toothbrush that does the same thing. But for teeth.

But whereas I’ve never replaced the battery in my razor (I shave every other day) — and it’s replaceable — the battery in my vibrating plaque attacker is not only not replaceable, I have to recharge it every few days.

That seems odd.

One battery lasts forever. The other not even close to forever.

At this point, I’m considering MacGyvering a toothbrush to my razor and using that as an all-in-one.

And also because my razor has a cool blue LED that makes it look futuristic — because you need that — and my plaque attacker has none.

What were they thinking? I don’t know.

What am I thinking?

Vibrating blue LED-featuring face-shaving plaque-attacking razor-toothbrush for the win.

RE: Feel the vibration. Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch – Good Vibrations (video)

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