Every day

Every day I wake up with the belief that it’s going to be an awesome day and I’m going to get so much done!

And then my actual day starts. At which point, it becomes an epic battle between my what I have planned and what life actually has in store for me.

And what does this title mean?

I’m a writer. And it’s a good thing, too. Because the fact is, I write much better than I speak. But that’s not the only thing I am.

Artist? Sure. Humorist? Sometimes. A man who often eats cereal for lunch? It’s true. But I’m also a psychic. And I bet you didn’t see that one coming! (Unless, of course, you are also a psychic like me). But anyway. Do you know how I know I’m psychic? Because I know what you’re thinking…

“If he writes this poorly…” and “Where is all of this going?” and “When is this comic going to end?” and “Oh wait, here it is.” and “Oh, damn! That wasn’t the end! He fooled me!” and “OK, here’s the real ending.”

*And “Was that supposed to be funny?”

I used to be funny

That awkward moment you update a social media profile and among other details, you write, “I used to be funny”. And regardless of whether other people ever found you funny or not, the fact that you no longer do is kind of depressing.

And it eventually eats at you so much that it compels you to try to find the humor in your life. And as you do, you find it. And it reminds you that as dark as the world can sometimes appear, it doesn’t mean that your life isn’t still full of silly ridiculousness.

The fact is, when times are tough, humor is often what we need to survive those times without going completely mad. If you can find the humor in life and make someone laugh, do it. Even if that someone is you.

I used to be funny. I still am. But I used to be, too.
*Nod to Mitch Hedberg

You feel me?

When people respond to something I say by saying, “I feel you!”, I wonder which part of me they think they’re feeling.

Because, frankly, if someone says they feel me and I don’t feel them feeling me, it probably means they’re either doing it on the sly or part of my body is numb.

You feel me?

Up to 7 billion people agree!

I think it’s kind of silly when advertisements claim “up to” amount for whatever it is they’re advertising. Because life experience tells me that I’ll nearly never get the maximum amount of whatever it is they claim.

I don’t care if a cell phone offers “up to” 10 hours of battery life. And I don’t care if I might save “up to” 25{82b2ded5ae086bbe31c001f0374079c9503b180ae813ec027549eb44365a9474} when I buy one.

If companies really wanted to be bold, they would tell me that, that no matter what I do, I can expect “at least” [whatever it is]. Because that will likely prove to be far more accurate and more relevant to most people than any claims of “up to”.

*Even if you qualify it with “most people can expect to get a minimum of”, that’s far more useful to most people than “up to”.


Driving to the gym with the sunroof open. Smell eucalyptus and turn to see a bunch of happy eucalyptus trees after all the rain that California’s been getting.

That awkward moment you hear yourself shout, “Eucalyptus!”

That even more awkward moment after shouting “Eucalyptus!” that you shout it again a few more times and try to sound angry while doing it. Because ever since you heard that it’s impossible to say “bubbles” and sound angry, you’ve been looking for other words that are impossible to sound angry while saying them.

30 dollars

It’s funny how facebook informs me that:

“This post is one of your most engaging posts”

And then casually suggests that I toss them a measly $30 to get more people to see it. I think Facebook must have me confused with someone else. Because $30 isn’t a small sum of money. Not to me.

Yeah, I know that’s what some people spend on lunch, but 30 dollars buys me enough cereal to account for breakfast *and* lunch for almost 2 weeks.

And sadly, I’m not kidding. And so it’s not really funny. Except that it kind of is.

*Goes to check book sales*