I am chicken! Hear me cluck!


I’ve decided I’m going to dress up like a chicken today and tell people I’m a highly evolved T-Rex.


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See also:


The man on the mountain


Seen in a passing meme:

“The man on the top of the mountain did not fall there.”

Ok, which man, what mountain, and what was he doing up there? I mean, if you’re being careful, it’s not particularly difficult to not fall on top of a mountain. So I don’t find it all that impressive. Heck, even I could probably climb a mountain and not fall on top!

But if this man was up there running from a pack of raptors — with his hands tied behind his back — and he managed to not fall while trying to escape death on dinosaur legs, then I would definitely be impressed.

See? That’s the problem with memes, there’s rarely enough room to get the complete story.

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Wanted: Portal to another dimension


Wanted: Portal to another dimension

Will consider any portals capable of travel to other dimensions, alternate universes, interstellar space, or past/future timelines. Destination must be capable of supporting human life comfortably (no breathing apparatus or detox suits required, for example).

Will also consider wormholes, but transportation to wormhole must be provided for — within a reasonable timeframe — and the destination explicitly stated.

Specifically seeking dragon inhabited dimensions — or dimensions with dragon potential (you know what I mean). Dinosaurs are an acceptable substitute. Magic is desired.

If you have such a portal available, please provide as many details about it as possible.

Please note: NO GATEWAYS TO HELL or Hell-like dimensions. My last visit went badly.

Thank you.

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Question of the day 9/30/14


The correct answer to today’s question of the day:

“If you could responsibly take care of any healthy miniaturized version of any animal – extinct or living – what would it be?”

Is: Any dinosaur.

Sorry to anyone who thought their preference was correct.

Congrats to our T-Rex and Diplodocus loving friends!

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Marsupials, baby!


I always find it a little sad that every time I go into a public restroom that has one of those koala baby changing stations, there are never any baby koalas available.

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4:36 PM

Dear Internet –

Is there an underground marsupial trading business that I don’t know about and how would I get in touch?

Asking for a friend.

Also, live dinosaurs.

Again, asking for a friend.

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Imagination Monday


Remember kids, it’s only Monday if you don’t use the power of your imagination to pretend it’s Tuesday.

Personally, I like to pretend it’s a nice Tuesday 65 million years ago.

Where the weather is beautiful.

And I’m riding a Triceratops while being chased by a T-Rex as a volcano erupts in the distance.

But, you know, use your imagination.

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Not ready

Sometimes I write things in this little text box, then pause and think, “they’re not ready for this.”

So I don’t post it.

And, you know, if I can be open with you for a moment, I have to admit it’s kind of inconvenient at times.

I mean, I go through all the effort to type something out for you only to discover you folks aren’t even ready for it.


What I’m trying to say is that you should probably say something about not being ready for me to post what I’m thinking about posting before I start typing.

Because, see, it would save me the time of typing it.

And this is why I need a time machine.

But also because I think we should bring back the dinosaurs.

But I don’t think you’re ready for that.

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If you would like to know the nature of this post…

Sitting in cafe.
Cell phone rings.

I answer.

“Hello. I have a call for you. Please hold while I connect you.”

It’s a robot.
Music plays.

15 seconds later…

“Our representatives are temporarily busy. Please continue to hold briefly.”

15 seconds later…

“We apologize for the delay. You will be connected in just a moment. Please continue to hold.”

15 seconds later…

“Thank you for your patience. Your call in now next in line. We will connect you in just a moment.”

15 seconds later…

“We’re sorry we weren’t able to speak with you. We are experiencing high call volumes.

If you would like to continue to hold, please press 1.
If you would like us to try you later, please press 2.
If you would like to know the nature of this call, please press 3 now.”




Dear phone robots,

1. Maybe you wouldn’t be experiencing “high call volumes” if you dialed back the number of people you decided to call about matters that you intentionally keep a mystery.

2. Maybe it’s not a good idea to call people only to put them on hold… and then tell them the wait will be brief… and then tell them they are next in line… to finally tell them you are unable to speak with them.

This makes NO sense unless you are deliberately programmed to be a tease. In which case, you are in the wrong industry.

3. Maybe, rather than keep the nature of your call a secret until the very end, you should simply TELL people what the nature of the call is BEFORE you make them waste their time waiting for you to finally decide you are unable to talk to the person you called.

And this is one of the reasons why I want to bring back the dinosaurs.

To wage war on the phone robots.

But I digress…

*Turns out, it wasn’t even for me. It was for some dude who is not me…

*pressed 3*

“Hello, this is an important call for… Ronald Fray.

If you are… Ronald Fray, please press 1.
If not, then please have… Ronald Fray call us at ### regarding a personal business matter.
If we have the wrong number, please press 2.
To hear this message again, press the star key.”

Oh hell, it was so much fun the first time, let’s hear it again.

I personally believe this is one of the ways that robots are deliberately testing us and probing for weaknesses.

Who’s to say what genius ideas I could have had during that minute+ of wasted time?

And just think, if they called 1 million people and wasted 1 minute of their time, that is nearly *2 years* of human existence wasted.

We need dinosaurs now more than ever.

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Oh Marilyn


“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

Ok. On that note, I’m going to be a total assclown for the rest of the day.

(And if you can handle that, I’ll know you are worthy of better treatment. Hey, that’s what this quote is saying).

But seriously, this Marilyn Monroe quote needs to fed to an angry velociraptor.

So what I’m really saying is, please help me bring back the dinosaurs.

And some people don’t “get” me?

What’s not to get? O_o

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Re: *Assclown: One, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society’s collective underwear.

Via Urban Dictionary.

You’re welcome.