If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together…
And then I’d say, “qUIt being so cheesy!”
Then I’d get rid of q — because seriously, K and W would do just fine. See what a kwik fix that is?
Next, no more “soft k” crap. It’s nowledge, not kuh-nowledge.
I’d also change what you call a W to a “double-v”, because come on, a double-u looks like this: uu. A double-vee looks like this: vv.
Why would you call a “w” a double-u? Call it what it is! A double-v! (This has always bothered me).
Also, no more “hard c”. It’s all K all the time. Kat, konker, kataklism. In fakt, you don’t even need C anymore — S will do just fine. Mersy me!
No, wait… I changed my mind. I need C for “changed”… but to hek with that “CH” combo. C will automatikally just be the “CH” sound. So I canged my mind. That works.
Also, no S when a Z will do. Reziztans iz futile. Ok, that workz.
But now the “o” in works is acting like an E. We don’t want that. This werks, yes? Yes.
Also, no more of the same sounding werds with different meaningz! Pair, pear, pare? That’s ridikulous and konfuzing. Just MAKE new werdz!
Pair iz fine az iz.
But now a pear needz to be something else. I’ve got it! GIRTHFRUIT.
Ok… And to pare something iz to skin it. Krap, “skin” iz already another werd. Ok, skin iz skin. So we will uze “sheer”, instead. That’z almozt the same thing. You sheer an apple. That werkz.
Ok, I thought this waz going to be a kwik post, but itz taking a long time. This iz a tuf job.
Whic remindz me that GH as F sound iz ridikulous!
So is WH wen juzt a double-v will do.
Wic now remindz me you don’t need LL either!
Ok, no more double leterz eksept wen you make a hard e!
Man, langwij iz hard!