A wrong turn

a-wrong-turn-zero-dean

Men’s locker room.
Half a dozen or so guys are either done or getting ready to work out.

It’s pretty quiet.

Then suddenly a female voice is among us:

“WHOOPS!!! SORRY!!!”

She runs out.

“Well, she seemed kind of embarrassed, ” says one of the guys.

We laugh.

Caught with their pants down or not, I don’t think a single guy actually minded.

Good times.

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A fresh start

At Target.
Cashier is ringing me up.

“How’s your day?” he asks.
“Good! How’s yours?”
“Good!”
“Happy New Year!”
“Happy New Year! How was your last night?”
“Good. But I’m really looking forward to this year. A fresh start, you know?”
“Yeah. Me, too.” He rings up an item, “Protein bars? What, are you trying to get buff or something?”

I laugh, because I’ve just worked out and I’m standing their in an athletic cut t-shirt.

“Yeah. I’m trying! Trying to *cultivate mass, man!”

I’m not sure he caught the It’s Always Sunny reference, but he laughs.

I’m liking this new year so far. The people of 2014 are nice.

Although I appear to be surrounded by sarcastic comedians. But I could get used to that.

Good times.

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Exploration of flavor

exploration-of-flavor-zero-dean

Container of fresh turkey salad: $1.29
Fresh baked sandwich bun: $.50
Ripe avocado: $.33
Small self-serve bag of spicy chili-seasoned dried mango: $.83

Proving to myself that I am a culinary-genius-on-a-budget by making a “turkey, avocado, dried spicy chili mango sandwich”:

Priceless.

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False forecasts

That awkward moment someone writes you an email that starts with:

“Zero, I’m rather disgusted with…”

And you find your body tensing — while you hold your breath — because you are fully expecting it to end with:

“you” or “your post from earlier today” or any number of ways in which it could go poorly —

But instead, it ends with: “the system, too”

And you find yourself letting out of huge a sigh of relief. And now smiling, unexpectedly, because it was just someone agreeing with you.

Phew!

That’s like starting a conversation with “We need to talk!”

Don’t ever do that unless it’s bad. Because even if it’s good, I am totally on the other end of the spectrum when you start speaking.

“We need to talk…”
“Uh…”
“We won the lottery!”
“I’M SORRY!” … “Wait.” … “Wut?”

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Marketing magic

marketing-magic-zero-dean

I bought a long-overdue pack of boxer briefs yesterday.

On the bag the company had the number 5 crossed out and a 6 printed above it.

And low and behold, the bag contained SIX boxer briefs instead of only FIVE!

It was like magic!

I’d like to see them do that with a standard carton of eggs.

13, baby!

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*To the best of my knowledge, there is no way to fit 13 eggs in a standard egg carton (no, double egg yolks don’t count, genius!).

And this is why I think it would require much more powerful magic than simply crossing out 12 and writing 13 next to it.

Besides, hens have been laying 12 eggs at a time for like forever. And it is pretty much common knowledge that this is why eggs come in packs of a dozen (*which is also the inspiration for bagels and donuts).

If we start asking hens to lay 13 eggs at a time, instead of 12, I’m sure some simply won’t be able to do it.

Of course, we could mess with their genetics.

But if we do that, we run the risk of reverse engineered dinosaurs.

Wait. Yessssss. Let’s do that!

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Seriously, everyone

seriously-everyone-zero-dean

Weird thought of the day:

If everyone took everything I take seriously as seriously as I take it, everyone and everything I take seriously would be different. And if everyone and everything I take seriously was different, would I still take everything as seriously as I take it? Would everyone?

Go home brain. You’re drunk. O_o

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Sinks

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Considering the often embarrassing (but sometimes funny) consequences of poor sink design, I think some manufacturers actually take pleasure in designing sinks that forcibly splash water onto the groin area of anyone foolish enough to turn on the water faucet.

I don’t really have bladder issues. But someone clearly thinks it’s funny making people think that I do.

* You should see what happens when I wash spoons.

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Blending desires

I’m not a huge fan of soup, but sometimes I wish I could drink foods that taste good.

You know, like pizza or lasagna or chicken cordon bleu or something.

Maybe I should buy one of those nuclear powered Vitamix blenders that pulverizes things at the atomic level.

Or maybe that’s ALL I really want. A nuclear powered Vitamix blender that pulverizes things at the atomic level.

Yeah. That’s what I need.

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But wait! There’s more!

In Quebec! The answer to my dreams! Pizza and Spaghetti flavoured slushies! (source)

mmm-pizza-and-spaghetti-slushi

Listen carefully

Alright everybody, listen carefully:

I want everyone to crouch down and I’m going to turn off the lights.

Stop it. I know what you’re thinking. And seriously, you should be ashamed! This is serious time…

Stop giggling.

Ok, so I want everyone to crouch down and I’ll turn off the lights…

And then when the 900th follower on my page walks through the door, I’ll turn on the lights and I want everyone to jump up and yell, “SURPRISE!!!

And you all BETTER be wearing clothes when I do it! I don’t want it to be like LAST time.

That was embarrassing.

Ok. So be ready!

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10:12 AM : Counter reaches 900

SURPRISE!!!

Wait. How come no one did it with me?

And why are my shoelaces tied together!?

Y’all are a bunch of jokers. That’s what you are.

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