On the bottle


That awkward moment you read the warning label on a bottle of vitamins and it says, “Do not take if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.”

And you’re like, well, it’s highly unlikely I’ll become pregnant, but I don’t want to rule out the possibility of spontaneous male pregnancy entirely.

Also shouldn’t take while breastfeeding.


This bottle of vitamins should come with a buzz kill warning.

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Originally published on: Jun 16, 2014 @ 20:12

What I really need to do


What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover.

… But I’ll settle for a slightly used one.

As long as she still runs well, gets good mileage, and isn’t going to raise my insurance premiums.

RE: Dead Or Alive – Brand New Lover (video)

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Originally published on: Oct 29, 2014 @ 09:50

Boundaries maintained


That awkward moment you walk out to your car in the parking lot and discover you accidentally left it unlocked.

When that happens, I like to pretend that I did it on purpose and was really just testing people.

Nothing stolen?

Good job, humans! You pass!

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Originally published on: Nov 29, 2014 @ 18:20

"Google is your friend."


“Google is your friend.”

Well sure. Up Until their robots and self-driving cars become sentient and try to take over the world. Then we’re all toast!

Now, I’m not saying I’m not looking forward to the apocalypse, but I am saying I’ve seen The Terminator. I know how this story goes.

*I’m cool with the robot apocalypse as long as I can still google “how to survive the robot apocalypse” when it happens.

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Originally published on: Nov 24, 2014 @ 15:17

Relatively speaking


I think the problem with asking the Universe for something is not that the Universe doesn’t answer, but that if time and space are infinite, then getting the universe to answer you within your own lifetime, let alone in the same week you ask for something, is like trying to find a specific atom on a specific day a billion years ago.

What is a billion years in infinity? It’s not even a blink of an eye.

Maybe every girl who wishes for a pony has their wish granted, but due to the scope of space and time, it doesn’t necessarily show up when and where it’s actually wanted…

Even if, in the grand scope of things, it’s pretty darn close.

I picture a lot ponies floating around in space.


Whoa. What’s in that juice I drank?

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Originally published on: Jun 26, 2014 @ 16:54

Seven, Eight, Ten


That awkward moment you overhear a heavily accented conversation in the men’s locker room and it includes the statement:

“I had like 4 roommates, but I ate them.”

And no one bats an eye.


I guess I heard that wrong…

Unless I didn’t. O_O

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*Why “seven, eight, ten”? Because 7 ate 9. That’s why.



Originally published on: Feb 5, 2014 @ 10:13



Weird thought of the day:

I bet the first words ever spoken by a human being were, “What was that?”

Followed by screaming.

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From the comments:

Bert: I’m thinking it was “What’s in here?”

Followed by screaming.

Zero: A likely alternative!

Originally published on: Jul 15, 2014 @ 11:58

Indefinite endings


That awkward moment you start a sentence and you have no idea where it’s going or where it will eventually end up because you haven’t really thought that far ahead and it reminds you of when you were a kid and your teacher told you not to write run-on sentences and you were like, “I’m not, I just have a lot to say!” but she didn’t seem to understand in much the same way as when you talk to cats and they just give you that look that says, “Whatever you’re saying, human, stop now. I’m not interested.” which is different from dogs because all dogs ever think are “Is it time to play ball?”, “Can I eat it?”, “Should I pee on it?” and “I wonder if it will be friends with me.” so yeah, sometimes sentences are like driving in a blizzard (or a light rain, for you Californians), you never know where you’ll end up.

Usually happens in interviews or when you suddenly realize you have no idea what you’re talking about and desperately try to find a way out or when you suddenly find yourself talking with people that you realize you have no interest in talking with.

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Originally published on: Jul 12, 2014 @ 13:09