There has to be a law for that.

there-has-to-be-a-law-for-that-zero-dean

How come when I do something ridiculous, I almost always have an audience…

But when I do something awesome, there are never any witnesses to my awesomeness… Even in a crowded gym.

Kick flipping that yoga ball onto the rack just now was awesome.

Audience = 0.

Literally.

I believe there has to be some kind of universal law dictating that the size of your viewing audience is inversely proportional to the degree to which your action was awesome.

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Originally published on: Sep 28, 2012 @ 09:46

Disc Golf.

disc-golf-zero-dean

Dear Facebook Ads,

Thank you for pointing out my singleness and suggesting that I:

“Meet local women that love to disc golf.”

I’m not saying that wouldn’t be awesome, but seriously — I’ve got much sexier “likes” than THAT.

For example…

Crap.

OK FINE.

You win this round.

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Originally published on: Feb 7, 2012 @ 12:20

Good with computers

good-with-computers-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re approached by a woman who says, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you look like you’re good with computers…”

Because yeah, I am good with computers — but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to give off the kind of vibe that when a woman looks at me she thinks, “That guy right there! That guy looks really good with computers.”

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Originally published on: May 23, 2012 @ 13:32

Google this!

google-this-zero-dean

I like to add an exclamation point to the end of all my google searches — like I’m really SUPER EXCITED about it!

I sense that the search engine understands how important the search results will be and takes my search more seriously.

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Originally published on: Oct 13, 2012 @ 18:55

I had to be sure.

i-had-to-be-sure-zero-dean

I probably could have guessed that I could eat a whole box of ice cream sandwiches… But I had to be sure.

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Originally published on: Jul 4, 2012 @ 19:03

33 Minutes

33-minutes-zero-dean

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  • Goes to laundromat.
  • Puts clothes in front loading washer.
  • Puts in laundry detergent.
  • Puts in coins.
  • Notes that the wash will take 33 minutes.
  • Walks out to car.
  • Waits 33 minutes.
  • Walks back into laundromat.
  • Checks on laundry.
  • Never hit START.

BLAST YOU! PUNY MAN BRAIN!

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From the comments:

Duffy Gillman: “Clothes, you just sit right there and think about the washing you’re going to get!”

Originally published on: Nov 8, 2012 @ 13:56

I took a cab…

Saw a cab idling in the parking lot. Since everyone says you’re supposed to take a cab on New Year’s Eve, I decided what the heck, you know?

That it might be a neat experience.

But I’ve been driving this thing around for like 20 minutes…

And it was kind of fun at first, and lots of people were waving at me, so I waved back as I drove by…

But then they started swearing and stuff. So I pulled over to see what was up and then a bunch of people got in.

And that was too much for me, so I got out and walked back to my car.

*While I didn’t really take a cab tonight, if you drink tonight, be safe and don’t drive. Call a cab. Please. :)

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