Next

next-zero-dean

When I have a family, I think I’m going to name my child, “Next”.

He can introduce himself at the dentist’s office, “Hi, I’m Next.”
And they can say, “No I don’t think you are.”

And he can say, “Oh yes, I’m definitely Next.”

And then they will let him be next, because he speaks with such great confidence.

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Baseball

baseball-zero-dean

I wonder if the people who pull up severely short at stop lights are the same people who — when they’re playing baseball — run around the bases and then stop before they get to home plate?

What? You say no one does that in baseball?

That’s correct.

Because that’s not how you play the game.

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Life in the tropics

life-in-the-tropics-zero-dean

Ya ever notice how a stoplight “walk alert” sounds either like a bird chirping or it’s a person saying “please walk”?

I wonder how many innocent blind people die — or how many car accidents occur — in the tropics each year from parrots imitating those alerts while sitting on stoplights.

It has to be astronomical.

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Rat parts

rat-parts-zero-dean

Weird thought of the day (brought on by my cold induced stupor):

“When did anyone ever actually give a rat’s ass?”
“Was there a rat’s ass trading company or something?”
“Why a rat’s ass? Why not a rat’s tail? Or some other part of the rat?”

Please, if you can answer these, by all means, feel free.

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Zeddy™ Nominated

Eric Kolb:

The saying originated in the western mining town of Sheldon, New Mexico.

During the late 1800’s a prominent family headed by patriarch, Robert Rhatt, developed a new breeding method for mules which flooded the market in the town and surrounding areas.

An unfortunate side effect was mental retardation among the brood. Never-the-less, the livestock still served it purpose and sold well.

Donkey prices reached historic lows. The animal was so affordable that they would often be used for target practice after heavy drinking binges or as “company” for undesirables.

At first, the term was “I wouldn’t pay a Rhatts Ass…” referencing the mentally challenged mules pioneered by the eminent family. However, it evolved into today’s more common (miss)usage after the mining town was overwhelmed and ultimately destroyed due to an unknown disease in 1903.

Inspired by this post and comment, I founded the Rhatt’s Ass™ Trading Company:

Rhatt's Ass Trading Company

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If dreams came true…

if-dreams-came-true-zero-dean

Everyone wants their dreams to come true. Well, I don’t.

If my dreams came true, the world would be a very, very strange place.

Suddenly Matt Damon shows up on Segway and battles it out with Vik Sohal who’s riding a giant pygmy hippo that shoots lasers out of its eyes. And my car turns into a giant Dorito, so I eat it. And then I get married to my Natalie Portman action figure who turns out to be a talking giraffe in disguise. Too late, we’ve already made Zero-giraffe babies!

You don’t want that.

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