Why I need a time machine

I’m in a cafe. Sitting at a table with my laptop. An East Indian man in a suit walks up…

“Excuse me, sir — is the Internet down?”

What I wanted to say:

“Oh, no, my dear fellow. I don’t know what they’ve told you, but the Internet is UP and DOWN and all around you. The Internet is — everrrrrrrywherrrrrre!”

What I actually said:

“I’m not sure. I read the sign on the door, so I didn’t even try. I’m using my phone.”

I know — that’s not half as exciting and I wish I’d said what I was thinking!

THIS is why I NEED a time machine! Well, this and DINOSAURS!

Oh, and that time I spilled coffee on my laptop.

PS. They have a separate notice for their unvalued customers…

It simply says: No WIFI for you!

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Another reason why I need a time machine.

  • Receives email.
  • Writes response to email.
  • Reads email — before hitting send — to see if it’s funny.
  • Funniness of email is confirmed!


  • Sends email.
  • Reads email again to see if it’s still funny.
  • Immediately notices typos.
  • Immediately thinks of ways it could be funnier.

Blast you puny man brain!

No matter what I do, my emails always look different after I hit send. I truly need an email “fail-safe” where my email isn’t actually sent until I’ve hit send at least 3 times.

But until someone awesome makes that for me, I’d like to start a campaign that makes email completely retractable/editable until it’s read by the recipient.

This should be totally possible.
And this would change my *life. (*the past 30 minutes, anyway)

Here we have yet another reason why I need a time machine. :)

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It's Edison and Tesla all over again

That awkward moment you discover you are psychic (Woohoo!) or this London-based app developer reads your blog (Woohoo!).

Tomorrow, October 3, RjDj is releasing their version of this app I describe in my blog post on September 10.

Good luck you guys! Hope you sell a bazillion copies! :)


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So it’s come to my attention that there’s this terrible movie starring Vince Vaughn and Kevin James called “The Dilemma” in which one of the subplots involves building electric-car engines that sound like muscle-car classics.

I never saw the movie — and based on the reviews, I would suggest you don’t either — but it sounds like this subplot has a similar concept. So yeah, this auto audio enhancements idea has been out there for years.

Time to get in the time machine and fix all that — as well as “fix” who invented this brilliant mini pillow-ring concept.

Time travel for the win! Muahahaha!

Wheep whoop! Aww! Aww! Aww!


“I’m really happy that car alarm went off just now.” — said no one. Ever.

If I could go back in time, I would un-invent car alarms.

Instead, I’d invent the StunnerMatic 4000 Xtreme ™.

With this device installed, cars would simply stun anyone who was silly enough to do anything that would typically set off a car alarm. Yes, including people who set off their own car alarms. Because, heh, that’ll teach you. ;)

*Also, cars would take a snapshot of whoever they stunned (in progress) and text the photo to your phone. So if there was a thief, you’d know right away. And if it was you, you’d have an embarrassing photo of yourself to remind you not to do what you did — ever again.

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RE: Magnavolt (Youtube)


Yet another reason why I need a time machine


They should invent a time machine for people who have trouble taking their pills on time.

Taking antibiotics every 8 hours since my root canals last week has proven to be…

Well, let’s just say I need a time machine.

And also for dinosaurs.

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A million uses!


Weird thought of the morning:

I wonder if MacGyver ever looked at retail boxes with labels that suggested “dozens of uses!” and ever got upset.

“Dozens? I can think of hundreds! Maybe thousands!”

Use item to:

  • stop train from going over cliff
  • stop the conductor from steering the train over the cliff
  • stop the spider from scaring the conductor into steering the train over the cliff
  • stop the spider’s mom from neglecting the spider in his youth, causing the spider to do things for attention, resulting in the spider scaring the conductor into steering the train over the cliff
  • create a time to machine to stop the spider’s mom from having promiscuous spider sex resulting in her evil spider child being born which ultimately resulted in conductor/train/cliff chaos
  • use time machine to stop trains from being invented
  • use time machine to stop spiders from being invented
  • use time machine to stop time from being invented
  • replace current universe with Lord of the Rings universe and I get to be Frodo… er… Zerodo.

You get the idea.

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Desk gum


Weird thought of the morning:

If I had a time machine, I could go back in time to just after gum was invented and be the first person to ever stick gum under a desk.

Can you imagine being the very first person who thought of that? O_o

*Don’t stick gum under desks, kids. Someone else might think it’s free gum and chew it.

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Wanted: 7 billion people



7 billion people to test running in the same direction at the same time for my upcoming “Speed Up the Earth / Time Machine” Project.

Does this Tuesday at 1PM work for you?

You’ll have to sign a waiver.

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Q&A from the comments:

Q: Can you email the waiver to me?
A: No. I’m currently having 7 billion copies printed at Kinkos.

Q: What time zone?
A: Everyone just starts running at 1PM.

Q: Can I bring my dog?
A: No pets allowed. They might throw off the results of this experiment.

Q: Where?
A: Everywhere. If you don’t know which way to run, just follow someone else.

Q: Why not just create online waiver? Then you’ve on save on printing billions of waivers & postage. Besides, you know how slow snail mail can be. I might not get my waiver in time.
A: No, no, no. I’ve had over 60 waivers printed so far. I can’t stop now. That would just be wasteful.

Q: If this is like the Superman thing and we all run west, what happens then? If we all then travel backwards in time, won’t that negate the time reverse aspect, and it won’t happen? Do we all just get stuck in place?
A: If my calculations are correct and it works, no proof of this experiment being successfully completed will ever exist.


A mystery of history


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Just a final reminder:

Pre-orders for my latest book, “Common Time Travel Mistakes and How to Avoid Them” go on sale tomorrow.

This book spent 18 weeks on the New York Times Bestseller list and currently has a 3.8 star rating on Amazon. So I was quite pleased with it.

I should also point out that I’m also offering a special package deal for those who also purchase my previous book, “Time Travel: Will it ever be possible?”

That book will be coming out next year.

Thanks again for your support.

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From the comments:

Roy: I can’t wait till it is released, it was my favorite book growing up… and the movie adaptation is (or will be) fantastic!

Carl: The first time I read that when I was a little boy…

Heather Sunny Mi Logsdon: Don’t blink or something’s gonna go wibbley wobbley timey whimey.

Siddhartha: Isn’t time travel illegal?
Zero: Not (yet) when I’m from.



Reposted on: Jul 13, 2015 @ 13:50