The man on the mountain


Seen in a passing meme:

“The man on the top of the mountain did not fall there.”

Ok, which man, what mountain, and what was he doing up there? I mean, if you’re being careful, it’s not particularly difficult to not fall on top of a mountain. So I don’t find it all that impressive. Heck, even I could probably climb a mountain and not fall on top!

But if this man was up there running from a pack of raptors — with his hands tied behind his back — and he managed to not fall while trying to escape death on dinosaur legs, then I would definitely be impressed.

See? That’s the problem with memes, there’s rarely enough room to get the complete story.

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Bon voyage


Inspired by the following quote:

“You cannot discover new oceans unless you are willing to lose sight of the shore.”

I’ve decided it’s finally time to do my part for humanity.

I’m going to build a boat. And then I’m going to discover at least one more new ocean on Earth.

You’re welcome.

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Old dogs, new tricks


They say, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” But seriously, that’s not even worth mentioning in my book.

Because you can equip an old dog with a programmable weaponized exoskeleton that features a flamethrower and lasers – and that’s something even a young dog with new tricks can’t beat.

Cybernetic exoskeleton-wearing, flame-throwing, laser-shooting canines for the win!

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Inspired by the following Sam Levenson quote:

“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.”

I am now requesting that everyone I know send me a list of every mistake they’ve ever made. I will then compile this data into a comprehensive list of blunders which will form the foundation of the first volume of my new book series:

The Big Badass Book of Mistakes™

Volume 1: stupid things my friends did that you probably shouldn’t do.

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Life pro tip:

Since Snapple claims it’s “Made from the best stuff on earth.®”, if you want the best stuff on earth, all you have to do is buy some Snapple and reverse engineer it.

Or let someone drink it and then reverse engineer them.

You’re welcome.

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From the comments:

Carl: “What did you build that bridge out of?”
“Oh good; it’s made of the best stuff on Earth. No doubt it’s structurally sound, then. Good work.”

The know-it-all


Since they say that “every person you meet knows something you don’t”, I’m now requesting that everyone I’ve ever met to tell me all the things they know that I don’t know.

This is my latest foolproof way to make certain that I know all the things!


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Circus monkeys


When people say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys!” it makes me wonder what they would say if it was their circus and those were their monkeys.

RE: This is based on a Polish idiom: “Nie mój cyrk, nie moje małpy” which translates to “not my circus, not my monkey”.

A very roundabout way of saying, “Not my problem.”

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Once upon a time I used to hope that I would one day grow to be a wise old man.

But then I read that true wisdom is knowing how little you know.

So now I don’t know what I need to know to know how little I know. But apparently knowing I don’t know that it is a sign of wisdom.

So perhaps I’m already wise and I don’t even know it.

But since I don’t know, I don’t know.

Is that funny? I don’t know.
Is it wise? Wise men might say so.

I don’t know.

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“True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.” — Socrates

“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.” — Will Durant