I can't get no…


Seen on the branded license plate holder for a local car dealership:

“We don’t sell… We satisfy.”

So I’ve decided to pop over and see if they’ll “satisfy” me a vehicle.

Don’t laugh. I may have just discovered a brilliant loophole and walk out with a new car.

Satisfy me ALL the cars!


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Oh Marilyn


“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

Ok. On that note, I’m going to be a total assclown for the rest of the day.

(And if you can handle that, I’ll know you are worthy of better treatment. Hey, that’s what this quote is saying).

But seriously, this Marilyn Monroe quote needs to fed to an angry velociraptor.

So what I’m really saying is, please help me bring back the dinosaurs.

And some people don’t “get” me?

What’s not to get? O_o

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Re: *Assclown: One, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society’s collective underwear.

Via Urban Dictionary.

You’re welcome.



Don't knock it 'til you try it


Weird thought of the day:

“Don’t knock it til you try it.” is probably an expression created by house thieves.

I picture two guys – with masks on – hiding in the bushes outside a house. One of the guys gets up and is about to knock on the door…

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Steve! What are you doing!?”
“What? I figured I’d knock, Bill. You know, to see if anyone’s home.”
“No, Steve! Don’t knock it til you try it!”
*Steve turns the doorknob*
“Ha! Good call, Bill. It’s unlocked! Sweet!”

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A little respect


Dear people who say you just want a little respect,

I get it.

Big respects take up a lot of space, cost more, and require more attention.

Sometimes a little respect is all you want.

Note: When trying to acquire a little respect, you can’t demand it. You have to earn it. Also, it’s always best to take your time to make sure the respect you get really suits you. Because once you get a little respect, you can’t return it (although you can lose it).

So make sure whatever earned you a little respect is genuine. And once you have a little respect, take care of it. Small though it may be, a little respect can really work wonders sometimes.

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Ok, breathe


Weird thought of the day:

Thanking someone for taking your breath away is kind of weird.

It’s like saying, “Hey, thanks for making it difficult for me to breathe.”

Now, I know some people are into those sorts of things, but if I’m going to be thanking someone for something breathing related, I would hope it’s for making it easier!

“Thanks for the CPR, Xena, I kind of blacked out while fighting that giant 3 headed lizard.”

“Thanks for unwrapping that anaconda from around my neck, sweetheart. You’re the best.”

“Thanks for pulling me back into the spacecraft, Guy, I forgot I wasn’t wearing a space suit.”

“Thanks for giving me oxygen, baby, that cat really took my breath away!”

See? Now that all makes sense.

From the comments:

Corey: +5 Internet points for hidden Sam Rockwell reference

Zero: +10 for catching the Sam Rockwell / Galaxy Quest reference! “Is there air!? You don’t know!

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Bag of chips


If you wanted me, I would literally come with a bag of chips right now.

That’s right. I said it, ladies. All this and a bag of chips.

And some raw vegetables.

And some hummus.

But not for long.

Because I’m hungry.

That’s right.

Hungry for chips, raw vegetables, hummus, and possibly any desserts you might have on you.

Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. How you doin’?

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Total recall


Seen in a passing meme:

“Things end, but memories last forever.”

Uh huh. Unless you can tell me what you had for lunch on Friday, March 14, 2014, I think this is proof enough that memories do not, in fact, last forever.

In what world do memories last forever?

An elephant’s world. That’s correct.

That’s why I propose the above quote be attributed to elephants, because it certainly doesn’t apply to humans.

“Things end, but memories last forever.” — The Elephants

That’s more like it. Thank you.

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Reading the signs


I’m not particularly superstitious – and I’m not a sign reader – but if I was, I’d say there are definitely signs in my life indicating that something’s afoot.

But since I’m not particularly superstitious – or a sign reader – I’ll just say something like, “OMG! What is that thing at the end of my leg!?”

Because it’s definitely something.

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