Humor & awkward moments by Zero Dean based on weird thoughts & real-life experiences often presented in webcomic format.
Dept store checkout. All the lines are packed. Everyone seems grouchy.
Little old lady with only 5 items insists I go in front of her because I only have 1.
People who do this are awesome.
I thanked her twice.
She seemed quite happy about that.
Good times.
*She gave me that “This young kid seems alright” look.
At Target.
Cashier is ringing me up.
“How’s your day?” he asks.
“Good! How’s yours?”
“Good!”
“Happy New Year!”
“Happy New Year! How was your last night?”
“Good. But I’m really looking forward to this year. A fresh start, you know?”
“Yeah. Me, too.” He rings up an item, “Protein bars? What, are you trying to get buff or something?”
I laugh, because I’ve just worked out and I’m standing their in an athletic cut t-shirt.
“Yeah. I’m trying! Trying to *cultivate mass, man!”
I’m not sure he caught the It’s Always Sunny reference, but he laughs.
I’m liking this new year so far. The people of 2014 are nice.
Although I appear to be surrounded by sarcastic comedians. But I could get used to that.
Good times.
Related:
Walk into one my favorite SoCal Subways for the first time in over 5 months — ten minutes before closing. The place is empty.
One of the two guys behind the counter throws up his hands, “OH MY GOD! We thought you went to jail!”
I smile and wave, “I did. I went to jail… And I got some tattoos… On my butt.”
They laugh. “Good to see you, man. How have you been?”
“Good! And you?”
“Good. Just another day in paradise.”
“Indeed!” I rub my hands together, “So, I haven’t been to a Subway in a while (not since the last time I was here, actually)… Help me here. You guys make sandwiches?”
“Yeah, you used to get the egg and cheese.”
“Oh right! I did! And then I read about what your eggs are made of… And… (whispering) it’s not really eggs.”
They laugh, “So where were you?”
“Oh, I was up in San Francisco…”
“Making workout videos?” (This is funny. I’m not sure if he was serious or kidding — because I have been told I look a bit like Tony Little).
I smile, “Yes. That’s what I do. I make workout videos.”
“Well, I know you blog!”
“I do! But I was really up there just waiting for my car registration…”
“How’s your leg? All better?”
“It’s good! That’s funny. I came back to the area and a few people have asked me about my leg (at the gym) — only to remind me that I’d stopped thinking about it, which is a good sign, right?”
“Yeah! Man, it’s good to see you. We’re about to close and we saw the car drive up and we thought it was going to be some dickhead.”
I laugh, “Come on guys, you can say it. I’m a dickhead. I’m just at the lower end of the dickhead scale. I know how working with the public can be.”
“Oh, you have no idea!”
“Oh, I think I do!”
We all laugh and chat it up some more while they make my sandwich.
They ring me up and give me a 10{82b2ded5ae086bbe31c001f0374079c9503b180ae813ec027549eb44365a9474} discount (which they used to).
When I’m done eating and about to head out, “Alright you guys! I’ll see you next year!”
“That sounds like so long.”
“I know. But it’s only just a couple hours. I’ll be out in the parking lot. You guys can help me jumpstart my car.”
They laugh.
“Happy New Year!”
Making good memories. It matters.
Related:
This is going to seem kind of sudden, but you can’t deny true love. I popped the question and she, he, or it said yes!
We’re eating at the Olive Garden later!
Related:
This thing has been following me around…
Related:
8:45pm. Walk up to Trader Joe’s cashier. Older guy. He takes a quick glance at my feet as I approach.
He smiles, “It’s all a state of mind, isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“The weather. I noticed you’re wearing shorts and flip flops.”
I chuckle, “Oh yeah. I didn’t even notice. I work inside all day.”
“I have this buddy in Minneapolis. It’s 45 degrees. He calls me up. You know what he says?”
“What?”
“We’re barbecuing.”
I laugh, “That sounds about right. I grew up in Maine. That’s t-shirt weather!”
He laughs.
But he’s right though. It’s a state of mind.
I may live in California, but I’ll be a Mainer for life.
Maybe it’s just the way I’m looking at it, but I swear this tree is flirting with me.
It’s a battle between this tree, a suitcase, and an elephant I saw earlier this year for “Sexiest Trunk of 2013”.
And I love elephants, but I think this tree is winning.
That awkward moment when you’re driving and you become third in a chain of vehicles that are all the same make and model —
— and you don’t know if you’ve inadvertently become part of some kind of parade, but you feel strangely compelled not to break the chain.
Then the guy in front of you turns and you’re like, “Quitter!” ;)
I just saw a guy going through great pains to park his GIANT white well-drilling truck at a Starbucks. And all I could think was,
“Everybody get out of this man’s way! He REALLY needs a cup of coffee!”
I mean seriously. You ever try turning one of these rigs around on a narrow street? I think he made an 80 point turn over the course of 5 minutes of intermittent backup beeping.
I almost walked over and said, “What do you want? I’ll go get it for you. Just don’t back into that grey 4Runner, k?”
Also, his rig, it had red-orange flames running along the side of it. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s:
You don’t mess with a man with flames on his giant white well-drilling truck.
Is it still running a stop sign if the stop sign that is usually there is mysteriously missing?
I noticed the missing sign and just (safely) blew through that thing singing —
“Mmmf. Hammer time. Can’t touch this!”
