Dental adventures (part 3)

3:22 PM

Firs pos afer ooh exracion.

Feel like I’m missing somehing.

No sure wha.

From the comments:

Melinda: Tease. (I crack myself up.)

Zero: You have such a sharp mind.

Melinda: Ah yes, my biting wit. *collapses giggling*

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3:41 PM

Well, the good news is that I can stop dreading having a tooth extracted.

And the bad news is that they have temporarily completely neutralized my right dimple.

How am I supposed to work my charms with only one dimple?


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3:46 PM

I just communicated with a pharmacist (to get antibiotics & pain killer) without saying a word.

I feel like if I was ever to take a vow of silence, now might be a good time.

Heck, I’m already 20 minutes into it. Let’s see how long I can go…

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3:52 PM

Not sure if my new vow of silence will hurt or help my pick up lines at the gym.


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4:31 PM

I’ve read online dating profiles where women specify that their potential matches must have all their teeth.

It never actually concerned me until now.


I should’ve asked the doctor to let me keep my molar (so I could slide by on a technicality).

“Yeah, yeah, baby. I have all my teeth. Here’s one I like to keep in my pocket.”

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4:54 PM

“I can’t help but notice you’re missing a molar.”
“Yeah, that’s my G.S.”
“Your what?”
“It’s where I like to keep my gum. My G.S. — my gum slot. It’s like a functional body enhancement. You know — storage.”

This is how I picture future conversations with potential mates going.

(I’d like to think the woman who finally gets me will tolerate my eccentricities)

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5:27 PM

I’m going to leave a note under my pillow tonight requesting that the Tooth Fairy leave a receipt.

Tax deductible income for the win!

*May also ask if she’s single.

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Your match has added new photos to Zero:
Your match has added new photos.

Zero to
Well that’s just great, but I am no longer a subscribing member of your site. Not to mention, my “match” didn’t exactly express interest in me when I was. So I’m not sure what you want me to do with this new information… to Zero:
Pay us and we’ll tell you.


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Ha! Sniffle! Ha!

I rewrote my online dating profile recently because I wanted to basically remove myself from the dating scene, while also allocating a bit of space to encourage others…

If this “review” I just got is any indication, I think I did my job:

“I just wanted to say that your profile made me laugh, then cry, then laugh again…thank you for that!”

Awww yeah. Once again making girls cry. And laugh. And laugh. (Not necessarily in that order).

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Because people asked, here’s the “In your own words” portion of my profile as it currently reads. Note, this is the more serious bit (I’m still working on a way to share the funnier bits).

This used to be a tiny part of my old profile, which I expanded upon recently when I decided to not renew my membership. My lifestyle isn’t particularly conducive to dating right now — although I’m not opposed it. It’s just… tricky.

Well, my membership did get renewed (whoops), but I’ve decided to leave it. On one level, it doesn’t really say much about me. But on another, it probably speaks more about me than most profiles.

In any case, what it’s really about is hope.

Whether it’s via online dating or not, the right person will come along when the time is right.

Sometimes we need time away from the person we are meant to be with in order to grow into the people we are meant to be. And we need challenges to help make us stronger.

It may help to remember that everything we experience in life helps prepare us for the next thing and contrast is good!

So even if you’ve had some bad dates, that only means you will be that much more grateful and appreciative when a truly can’t-stop-smiling-about-it with butterflies-in-your-stomach one comes along.

I mean, you’re not looking for just anyone, are you? You’re looking for that one in a million guy. The guy for you. The one that makes you feel so many good things at once that you feel like your heart will burst.

So don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because a guy “isn’t all that bad” or he’s kinda cute or he has lots of money that he’s the one. Those things are superficial and they’re nothing to base a real long-lasting relationship on.

Because there truly ARE still good guys out there. Yes, even on match.

There are guys who will actually communicate and express themselves. Guys who know how to not only treat women well, but everyone (and it’s not a chore or an artificial gesture, it’s a way of life). There are guys who like adventure and trying new things.

There are guys who won’t be an emotional drain or take you for granted. There are guys with passion and ambition who want to make the world a better place — particularly the world you create and share together.

There are still guys who know that the most valuable things in life can’t be bought. There are guys with big hearts, in touch with their feelings, but who aren’t wimpy push-overs either.

There are guys who will make you laugh until your sides hurt. Guys who will stay up until the wee hours of the morning discussing anything and everything of interest — because they want to.

There are guys who will actually care about you as a person and who don’t just want to date you for your looks. And guys who will make you feel safe. And guys who will just naturally make you want to be a better person.

Of course, no one is perfect, but guys like this DO exist. So don’t believe anyone who wants to convince you otherwise. Don’t let someone who doesn’t believe that this kind of magic exists convince you of the same. Because it does exist. But if you don’t believe it, you’ll never see it.

There is a guy out there who will make you feel incredible in just the right ways. Someone with whom you feel like you are an unstoppable team. A person you can see yourself growing old with — with pleasure.

But sometimes things don’t just land on our laps exactly when we want them to.

So please, if you’re almost fed up with looking — or you’ve had a series of awful dates and think dating sucks or guys in general just suck (and yeah, a lot of them do, but not all of them) and you think there’s no one out there for you — don’t you believe it. Because there is.

And remember, random GOOD things DO happen to people ALL the time! And you’re not just looking for ANY guy. So be patient. Be positive. And don’t settle. You’ll be so much happier for it in the long run.

And also, don’t forget to SMILE.

Your smile is your gift to the world. And no matter how attractive you are to start, it makes you infinitely more so. Your smile (not those other body parts) is what will melt the heart that matters.

Virtually shouting

I’m no longer a subscribing member of, but I still receive their “Chemistry match” notifications.

The subjects of these emails always make me chuckle a little because I read them in a sort of commanding voice:

“This is Peggy, meet her now!”

I mean, what if “now” isn’t really a good time for me? You just want me to drop everything to arrange a “meeting” with this person that I don’t even know?

Uh, ok. Sure. Let me get right on that.

Not to mention, that exclamation point just makes it weird.

I mean, can you imagine how awkward it would be if you were introduced to someone in this fashion?

Say one of your coworkers walks over and shouts:

“This is Bill, meet him now!”

I mean, how could you not help but feel a little intimidated.

Of course you would meet Bill right now, because to do anything else while Bill is standing there right in front of you would just be weird. Especially when your coworker has just demanded it.

But when it comes to “meeting” people online, I find there’s a huge disconnect between cyberspace and reality.

Still, I do think I have a new (failed) pick-up line for the gym:

“I am Zero, meet me now!”

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A love for laughter


Confession of the day:

Whenever I read “I love to laugh” in online dating profiles, I switch it to “I love orgasms” in my head. Because hey, so does everyone else in the world! — And yet this simple switch feels fresher & more original. And it definitely beats out “I love breathing” in the “Things I like to do” category.

Life pro tip: “I love to have fun” is another great way to set yourself apart from the competition in the online dating universe.

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The language of love


That awkward moment in online dating when you write to me in Spanish and assume it doesn’t matter.

Just kidding.

If you’re cute, of course it doesn’t matter! I am fluent in the language of loooooooove!

But seriously, just kidding. — It is important that you speak English so you can laugh at all my jokes.

Also, keep in mind, if you have an accent (which I don’t mind at all — in fact, it’s kind of attractive), I have this habit of adopting the accent of whoever I’m talking to.

It just happens.

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Gender and context

gender-and-context-zero-dean first contact email from a woman in Denver, CO:

“I like your profile and photos. Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”

This is the ENTIRE email, by the way.

Now, just for a moment, picture a guy writing this exact same message to a woman he’s never communicated with who lives 1,000 miles away.

“I like your profile and photos. Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”

Kinda goes from nice to — crreeeeeeeeeeepppppyyyyy.

“Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”
“Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”


*coff* Um, yeah.

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