Older guy sitting at a cafe table near me comes back from getting coffee. Turns to me…

“You know who you look like?”
“An actor.”
I smile, “Oh yeah, which one.”
“Jason… Statham.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, strong resemblance. Same build and everything. You seen any of his movies?”
“Yeah. Like ‘The Transporter’…’The Expendables’… He always plays the same character.”
He laughs, “Yeah he does. Good movies though. I like him.”

And all I’m thinking is, “THAT MEANS YOU LIKE ME! MUAHAHAHA!” and “Now to use this power on the ladies!”

He left me with this tidbit, “All you have to do is adopt a British accent and people will be lining up for your autograph.”

A’right then. ‘Ow’s this, mate?

Ok, my British accent needs some work.

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That awkward moment you anticipate your needs by buying a refill of something long before you need it.

But then, when you are about to run out of the thing you bought the refill for, you go out and buy a refill. Because you forgot you already anticipated your needs.

Well, I think the lesson here is obvious: I need to anticipate when I anticipate my needs before I need them, so I don’t over-anticipate my needs.

As such, I am now developing anti-over-anticipation anticipation skills. For the win!


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Apocalypse buddies


In an attempt to encourage apocalyptic responsibility, I’ve decided that everyone should have an apocalypse buddy.

This is a person you look out for during apocalyptic times. It’s just like having a swimming buddy, but you know, for like the apocalypse.

And you should put this special person on your “social media speed dial”, so to speak.

You know, so you can help alert them to any apocalypse related issues (zombies, aliens, dinosaurs, robot assassins from the future…) and/or sweet loot (especially sweet loot!).

And since you’re probably going to add them to your social media speed dial right now, if you could just go ahead and add me, too, that’d be great.

Together we will rule the post apocalyptic world!


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Apocalypse alert system


If the *apocalypse started, you’d tell me, right?

I mean, don’t assume that I already know, OK?

I don’t want to look up one day and see zombies banging on the window and be caught totally unprepared.

And I mean *any apocalypse! Zombies, aliens, Care Bears, Zombie Bees — Zombees!, the 4 Horsemen…er — Horsepeople, Y2K TWO, giant mutant radioactive squirrels, vegetarian zombie ski bunnies… You get the idea.

If you even just *think* the apocalypse is happening, even if you’re not sure, you tweet, text, email, or call me, OK?

‘Cause I will believe you! And together, we will rule the post apocalyptic world! Muahahaha!

Thank you.

Carry on, future apocalypse survivors!

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Mind games


I’ve decided to start a meet-up group for people who like to play mind games.

First order of business will be to set a date, time, and place for our first meet-up.

And then I’ll change it at the last second and blame people for showing up at the wrong spot.

And then I’ll boot them out of the group for getting it wrong.

But later in the day I’ll email them to say they can still be in the club as long as they don’t make any more silly mistakes.

Then I’ll setup another date, time, and place to meet-up and do it all over again!

They’re going to love it!

OMG! This is going to be the best club ever!


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From the comments:

Robert: So what was that date again? LoL!

Zero: I already told you, Robert.

Heather: Where?

Zero: It’s written above.

You may say I'm a dreamer


Weird thought of the morning:

I wonder how many times Bach, Beethoven, or Mozart wrote brilliant songs in their sleep and then woke up and couldn’t remember them.

*This is why I need a time machine and a dream recorder. To go back in time and steal brilliant musician’s dream music.

They won’t ever miss it, and I’ll be hailed as the spiritual successor to some of the greatest artists who ever lived! Muahahaha!

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RE: You may say I’m a dreamer (John Lennon – Imagine (video))

Time Tide


When I finally get my time machine working, don’t forget to remind me to take a Tide Stain Stick back in time with me.

I can think of nothing more impressive than performing stain removing miracles for folks living in primitive times.

All those hippies in the 60’s will worship me like the cell phone wielding, Kool-Aid stain removing deity that I am.

They will bow to my colorfasting greatness!

And then I will invent Post-it notes! And bottled water! And selfies! And MySpace! And Jurassic Park!


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Zero in command


That awkward moment the manager of the cafe you’re in turns to you on his way out the door and says,

“I have to run an errand, Zero. I’ll be back. Hold the fort while I’m gone.”

And I’m all like, “I can’t do it by myself!”

And he laughs.

Which is good, because it was a joke.

Of course I can do it by myself! MUAHAHAHA!

I’ll have this place running in tip-top shape by the time he gets back! He won’t know how he did it without me.

My first order of business though: Taste test all the pastries to make sure they’re still good.

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From the comments:

Vik: “New Zero-Style Pastries: The Only Pastry with a Bite-shaped cut”.

Zero: LOL. “We can still sell these. Just let me pick a bit more off the edge.”