Humor & awkward moments by Zero Dean based on weird thoughts & real-life experiences often presented in webcomic format.
Walk in to 7-Eleven. I’m looking for the coffee station. One of the attendants — a red headed girl — walks up behind me, “Excuse me, sir! You dropped something!”
I stop and look down and scan the floor. I don’t see anything. I look back up and meet her eyes with a questioning look.
“You dropped your smile!” she says.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Ah, you found it!” she says laughing.
Soooo cheesy. It was awesome. Still makes me laugh thinking about it.
Like a moment from the movies, I step out of my car just as a pretty girl with short shorts and a tank top is about to walk by.
Momentarily disoriented, I proceed to miss putting my phone in my pocket and instead drop it straight to the pavement with a thud.
The girl notices — and without missing a beat kind of laughs and says, “I hate when that happens”.
And then we *kissed.
*Okay, we only kissed in my imagination, but still. Instead, she kept walking while I picked up my phone and checked for damage (none — saved by the case).
In any case, whoever wrote this script sucks! ;)
Getting out of my car, I notice that a woman and I are converging upon the gym doors from opposite ends of the parking lot. She has her arms full and… Blast it! She’s ahead of me.
I increase my pace, my flippy floppies are pitter pattering on the pavement.
She sees me from across the lot.
I am intent on beating her to the doors. Does she know this? Does her pace increase slightly? Is this a game to her!?
Even if you want to be second in line at the bank, it’s probably not a good idea to yell “shotgun!”
Wanted: A good man.
seeking a Handsome, kind, authentically chivalrous, semi-intelligent, healthy & fit man with a good sense of humor…
And once I find him, I will use him as bait to catch a good woman.
Flawless plan for the win!
Muahahaha!
Related:
I just got crushed in a “battle of optimism” by a special needs cashier at Target. Wow.
He finishes with the previous customer, then turns to me and says…
“How are you?”
I’m awesome. How are you?
“So you say you are having a good day?”
I’m having a great day.
“Every day is a gift, isn’t it?”
Every day I’m not dead is a great day!
“I know. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”
Yes! Exactly, I —
And then he just goes into this long optimistic speech — which hits the limit of my ability to recall it for a couple reasons:
1. he didn’t speak as clearly or with the sort of cadence that many people do and
2. he jumped to seemingly unrelated points/quotes (that I’ve never heard) — and really, I was just flabbergasted — because he just kind of burst into life with it.
But it was all basically a message of “I love life” — and I think he was happy to meet me.
And then — after his optimism had completely shadowed my own, he goes…
“Do you want to hear a math joke?”
And I was standing there with my jaw open, but managed to say, “ok”…
And it was a terrible joke, but that’s not the point! :)
Sometimes I write funny things in this box – but then I think, “No one will get this joke.”
So then I delete it.
And no one gets my joke.
Related:
RE: Schrödinger’s cat (wikipedia)
One of my goals for 2013 is to push myself through my (situational) fear of strangers.
Today I introduced myself to Joel. Joel is a regular at the gym.
I see Joel push himself every day — on the workout floor and in the pool. And I respect that. And he always seems to be pretty happy.
When I was using the spa earlier this year, we’d often cross paths and nod at each other.
So I introduce myself and we talk for a bit…
ME: Yeah, I was training for a marathon — my first — earlier this year, but I suffered a foot injury early on. I bought those 5 toed shoes and discovered I have an extra bone in my left foot — which got aggravated. So I was using the spa a lot.
“I gotta use the spa before the pool, otherwise I have a hard time. A marathon, eh? That’s awesome. I’ve always wanted to do one of those, but it’d be such a long distance for me. What I’d really like to do is a triathlon — but I’m still waiting on getting a special bike.”
Oh man, I’d love to do triathlons, but I dated a triathlete for a few years — and that’s how I discovered I’m a terrible swimmer. My competitive swimming technique looks a lot like drowning. I tend to sink like a stone. So how’s your “running” pace?
“I’m pretty fast on the flats. Faster than most.”
I bet hills are a killer.
“Ah yeah, hills are tough, but I’d beat your ass on the way down.”
—
We continue to talk for a bit — wish each other a happy new year — and then I brush my teeth while watching Joel push himself out of the men’s locker room in his wheelchair.
Related:
I’m sorry, but I’ve been thinking about this all day…
And I think knock knock jokes are totally unrealistic.
Because seriously, who only knocks twice?
Calling them “Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Jokes” would be far more accurate.
…
Second, who asks “who’s there?” after someone knocks?
As if you’re going to tell someone to go away if they say, “It’s Bob.”
Knock knock knock!
“Who’s there?”
It’s Bob!
“Go away Bob!”
Doesn’t happen. (Ok, it could happen — but you would really have to not like Bob an awful lot. And if that was the case, why is Bob knocking on your door? Could it be that maybe he’s at your door to apologize for whatever it is you are unhappy with him about? And if you don’t answer the door, you’ll never know. So seriously, just go open the door and find out why he’s here!)
A more likely scenario is…
Knock knock knock!
(to which the response is)
Be right there!
(And then you go and open the door).
But that’s not even a good joke.. Or any kind of joke, really.
So I think the whole premise is flawed.
It shouldn’t be a “knock knock” joke, it should be a “who’s there?” joke — where you start the joke by saying…
“Who’s there?”
And the joke is that everyone thinks you are either blind, senile, or on drugs… because, let’s face it, that’s a really silly thing to ask people you’re talking to.
And yet, I think I found a new hobby…
Nope. Still not too old to surf across a parking lot in a grocery cart! Booyah!
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