Dental adventures


Oh mother of fuck I need a dentist.

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Dental Adventures starring Zero Dean. Coming soon.

If the love of my life is a dental assistant, this will be perfect.

If her name is Jack, she has a mustache, and she can bench press more than I can, not so much.

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If I play my cards right with this upcoming dental work, I’ll be putting myself directly in line with becoming the next Bond villain.



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I called a supposedly reputable local dentist’s office and got put through to voicemail.

One of the options was, “If this is a dental emergency, call…”.

Well, it wasn’t an emergency then, but I called over an hour ago and they still haven’t called me back. O_o

Probably because they are known for treating their clients like rockstars. Which, if you do so, means ignoring calls. Am I right?


I can *make* it an emergency if that’s what it takes to get a call back. Nothing a little personal dental work with a pair of pliers can’t fix.

Although, perhaps it *is* an emergency and I just have a high tolerance for discomfort?

I mean, I *do* find the fact that I cannot eat any solids comfortably rather troubling, but not really an “emergency” just yet…

I mean, not when there is the whole world of nutritious liquid products to explore.

Mmmmm. *Soup!

*Heated liquids uncertain. I’m going to go get coffee. We’ll see what happens.

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Called another dentist’s office (an hour away). Got right through.

“Can I ask how you heard about us?”
“Well, I looked up ‘best dentists in southern California’ and you guys came up.”
“Oh, that’s good.”, she laughs, “I totally believe it!”

She sounded like she meant it.

Of course, she had the voice of an angel, so she could’ve said, “We’re going to stick you with needles and make you cry.” and I wouldn’t have minded.

Perfect person to answer the phone at a dentist’s office.


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Oral fixation

That awkward moment you realize that one’s tongue has a rather intimate long-term relationship with the inside of one’s mouth —

— and the moment anything is out of the ordinary in one’s mouth, it is often one’s tongue that is the first to notice.

And it isn’t just content with noticing the difference. No. It must obsess with it…

“Hmmm… Something’s different here.”

1 minute later… “Yep. Still different.”
1 minute later… “Still different. No change. AT. ALL.”
1 minute later… “Still not normal. I’m really not happy with this.”
1 minute later… “Still different. I am BOTHERED by this change.”


This goes on FOR-EVERRRRR.

Or at least until one’s tongue has grown so accustomed to the change, it no longer fixates on it.

You know it’s true.

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Magic numbers


Holy tooth decay, Batman!

My dental appointment is on 4/14/14. If you you add up those numbers, you get another 14.

And if you divide by 2, you get 7. And 7 is not only the day of the month I was born on, it’s my lucky number.

And getting lucky is good.

Thus, I will get lucky at my dental appointment!

Numbers are awesome!

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From the comments:

Chad: I appreciate your posts. You shall live a long and awesome life sir….the 8-ball has spoken



My dentist talked about me needing “Zirconium crowns”.

I mistakenly thought that was a reference to “Cubic zirconia” (fake diamonds).

I figured if he was going to put fake diamonds in my mouth, we might as well go all out with titanium teeth. You know, because titanium is cool, but is a little less flashy than diamonds.

So I mentioned as much.

His response?

“You’re hilarious!”

I wasn’t kidding.

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*22Ti (Wikipedia)

Geographical context

“Have you ever been bitten?”
“All the time.”

“Did you just switch hands? Are you ambidextrous?”
*laughs* “No, I’m right handed.”
“Well, something’s different.”

“Try not to swallow.”

“Bite down.”

There are some places you can have conversations with a member of the opposite sex you just met that you just can’t have anywhere else.

The dentist’s office is one of them.

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The Art of War

My dentist sent me a classy email complimenting me on being a pleasure to work with.

I sent a reply to my dentist stating the same thing.

But I signed off telling him “don’t forget to floss!

Sometimes I find the best strategies involve a confusing pre-emptive strike.

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That awkward moment you butcher the spelling of a word so badly that every spell-checker on the planet — including google — shrug and look away in embarrassment of your new low of human achievement.

I look at it as an awesome opportunity to create my own language.

Oh, you bet your rastivatiga I do!



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Root canals (and a serious follow-up)


Just got a call from the dentist’s office.

Looks like we have some hot double root canal action going on next Thursday, the 24th.

So we can all definitely look forward to that.

And, as it turns out, I’ve never had a root canal before.

I *thought* I did, but was informed by the dentist yesterday that I did not. (What I got was a botchy filling 20 years ago).

So yeah! It’s going to be a new experience. Woohoo!

And two in one day. This is good because I will be able to directly compare the two.

“Dr, I felt you were good with the first one, but you really hit your stride with the second. It’s unfortunate we are not doing all three on the same day. I can only imagine the third!”

Don’t get too excited, but once these two are done, I may be able to chew my food normally for the first time since July 4, 2009.

Good times.

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In response to people suggesting I avoid getting root canals based on some scary information they’ve read online…

When people focus on the horror stories and imagine the worst, it amplifies their fear.

Yes, bad things happen. But every bad thing that can happen doesn’t happen to everyone everywhere.

If I start talking about something very specific (such as shark attacks) in a way that makes it sound very scary and initiates a physiological response, it increases your fear of that thing and then you suddenly find yourself making decisions based on that fear (such as never going in the water at the beach) which may be completely unfounded statistically.

There are at least 11 animals more likely to kill you than sharks. They include dogs, bees, cows, mosquitos, and ants.

But sharks, man, they are scary, aren’t they?

If you spend time reading and researching the worst possible outcomes of a procedure, then of course it’s going to change how you feel about it.

So it’s important to be as informed as possible in both positive and negative aspects of something — so you are not simply acting out of fear.

I totally understand there are potential issues with root canals. But I also understand there are potential issues with tooth extractions.

I understand that it could go horribly wrong. But I also understand it could be just fine and exactly what I need.

With regard to the bit of research I did about root canals…

As you might expect, there’s a lot of scary information out there. Regardless of how many websites, videos, or pages exist, it’s all based on a SINGLE study done many years ago. (And then some re-affirming of that study more recently — but also some debunking).

Issues associated with root canals have to do with bacteria that accumulates around the tooth after the procedure. It is said that for the vast majority of cases (of which there are over 25 million root canals in the USA each year) this is not an issue and — and if it is, it is largely impacted by the vitality of the person’s immune system.

There are few options to root canals — the primary option is having a tooth extracted. And, while the procedure is cheaper initially, it can actually be more expensive in the long run if one is concerned about the integrity of one’s jaw.

Tooth extractions require either implants (which are very expensive) or bridges in order to keep teeth from moving around.

Nearly everything I read suggested that keeping a tooth is always the best option, when possible. But this didn’t take into consideration the scariest of the information floating about regarding root canals.

As with any health related procedure, there are always risks. And there are always horror stories. It’s a given. And then these horror stories are amplified by people who are responding with fear.

“OMG. I just read this awful thing about how dangerous root canals are and how they can destroy your health. I must tell people about this!”

I am not saying that there is no risk associated with root canals, but I will say that getting a root canal is not a guarantee that it will lead to health issues.

And, in my case, I have two (to 3) major tooth infections that are posing significant issues right *now* as I type this.

Pain? Bearable. Not being able to eat comfortably at all, *that’s* a big issue.

Now I wish I had the luxury of waiting — and I have at least until next Thursday to consider things — but right now I have a major issue and it appears the root canal procedure will help me with that. And that’s what a professional dentist, and someone far more informed about such things than I, thinks is the best way to go.

He could have suggested implants, which are more expensive, but didn’t. And he has no way of guaranteeing more of my business in the future.

He suggested the root canals to solve my problem, I want my problem solved, so that’s how I’m looking at it.

Don’t mistake my comedic way of looking at all of this dental work as not taking it seriously.

I absolutely despise having things done to my body and will avoid things if at all possible.

I tore my calf last year and ended up in urgent care. When my doctor suggested I see a specialist for surgery, I declined. His response was to *yell* at me, tell me all the things I would have to suffer with, and said that if I walked with a limp for the rest of my life, it was my fault.

That was my call. And it ended up being the right one. But I was willing to risk not being able to walk normally for rest of my life to make that decision.

So I don’t just get work done “casually”.

So for those concerned, please know I am at least reasonably informed about the issues associated with root canals — and I thank you for bringing them to my attention.

I still think it’s the best way to go, but I will probably do more looking into it all as well — to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

Obviously I don’t want to do anything to myself that is going to lead to long-term risks.

But I also think that the more you focus on fear, the more fear has a way of taking over in ways that are not always in one’s best interest.

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