Dear genetic engineers

dear-genetic-engineers-zero-dean

Dear genetic engineers,

I think scientists should genetically engineer Palm and Pine trees to look like the cell phone towers that are supposed to look like Palm and Pine trees.

Then you really wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. And it might be more fun trying to.

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Dear Meelectronics

Dear Meelectronics,

I was surprised to note that although your headphones were affordable, they were not cheaply made.

I was even more surprised to just now discover they went through a 30 minute wash cycle while stowed away in my shorts pocket today. This was followed by 50 minutes of dry time.

And to bring my surprise regarding your headphones to an epic level — that although they are now covered by tiny pieces of pocket link —

They still play.

Please talk to HP about designing laptops that can withstand a spilled cup of coffee as well as your headphones can withstand 30 minutes in a washer.

Thank you.

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Increasing Facebook's profit margin

Dear Facebook —

I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out a foolproof way for you to make (more) money yourself…

Make “visitor” information to each facebook profile freely available.

Let facebook users see who visited their profile, when they visited, what they saw, and how many times they visit in any given period.

Keep running statistics of the biggest stalkers.

Next, offer (for a monthly fee) a “browse anonymously” feature that allows people to hide their facebook habits from other users.

Next, allow people to pay even more money to UNanonymize any users who have paid for the previous feature. Once again, they will be visible.

Next, at an even higher rate, offer a “super browse anonymously” feature that allows people to keep their facebook habits hidden. Once again, they will be anonymous.

Next, at an even higher rate…

Well, I think you see where this is going.

You’ll be rich(er) in no time.

What could go wrong?

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Planet Fitness perks

planet-fitness-perks-zero-dean

Dear celestial body orbiting a star fitness people –

While Planet Fitness is known for providing black card members with some pretty amazing perks… massage chair, complimentary *car rental, free pizza, *free ipads…

I was disappointed to discover that the AbCoaster™ 3000 is not, in fact, a roller coaster, but an ancient torture device simply re-upholstered and rebranded with a modern name.

Might I suggest you consider using a less confusing name for this device?

My suggestion: How about The AbKillerPainInflictor™ 666?

Thank you.

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*may or may not be actual Planet Fitness perks

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Skip

skip-zero-dean

Attempts to watch video online.

An ad begins playing which is overlayed with the text:
“You can skip this ad in 15 seconds.”

The ad is exactly 15 seconds long.

Tries to watch another video.
“You can skip this ad in 24 seconds.”

The ad is exactly 24 seconds long.

Dear MTV online,

You keep using that word “skip”, I do not think it means what you think it means.

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Dear driver in the blue sedan

Dear driver in the blue sedan –

Might I suggest a little decision making technique I developed for when I’m behind the wheel of a mobile transport device?

It involves asking myself a series of questions:

Is what I am about to do:

  • Within the realm of what other drivers (or anyone in my vicinity) might reasonably expect based on accepted driving standards — or is it so out of left field that people will be left watching me in utter disbelief at how I’ve managed to stay alive this long into life?

Is what I am about to do:

  • Going to inconvenience more than the number of people it will convenience (beyond myself)?

Is what I am about to do:

  • Going to cause a dangerous situation or endanger the lives of others — even if I wave out my window in a friendly fashion while doing it?

If the answer to any of these question is “Yes”, I generally avoid doing it.

Or to quote a good friend of mine:

“Before I do anything, I ask myself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.” — Dwight Schrute

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Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook –

Please consider the option of allowing me to replace anyone’s profile photo (from my point of view) with any other photo I see fit.

This way the photo I choose will remain, regardless of how many times the user changes their profile picture.

This will help me avoid a tremendous amount of confusion when people, that I have long associated with a particular profile picture, decide to change it and I am left wondering, “Who the heck is THAT!?”

Also, I really just want to change everyone into their animal counterparts (or draw mustaches on their faces) without them knowing — and then laugh about it to myself when I see them pop up in my feed.

Thank you.

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Dear eyebrows…

dear-eyebrows-zero-dean

Dear eyebrows,

When I talk about “being yourself” and “non-conformity”, I’m not talking to you.

I swear, anytime I catch myself in a reflection — which is also accompanied by bright light — at least one of you is blatantly trying to “express yourself”.

Stop doing that while I’m still single, please.

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*So I meant to write “eyebrow hairs“, but due to my typo affliction I missed a word — but people still thought this was funny. Unintentional humor for the win!

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