Dear person in the car 3 parking spaces away from mine

Dear person in the car 3 parking spaces away from mine,

On behalf of everyone within a half mile radius, I would just like to say that it is certainly an interesting and unexpected experience listening to the bass from your stereo make the various parts of your car rattle.

And while none of us can quite make out what you are listening to, because the vocals are so distorted as a result of you turning the volume up so high that it is impossible for your speakers to render the vocal track with any degree of accuracy, we would all like to thank you for wanting us to be a part of your impromptu amateur music broadcast experience.

Sadly, we must dock points for the lack of vocal clarity as well as the undesirable noises being made as a result of your car rattling.

We must also dock points for not allowing people to opt out of this auditory experience.

If this auditory experience was an email, it would immediately be flagged as spam. Naughty naughty.

The judges award you 2.3 out of 10 points, which is quite low, but look on the bright side, you can almost only go up from here.

Looking forward to your next broadcast, not so much.

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Dear followers –

It has recently come to my attention that some of you were told that if you followed me, there would be snacks.

And there were no snacks.

I apologize for this.

I want you to know that the person is charge of snacks has been sacked.

Unfortunately, it has been brought to my attention that the Snack Dept — if one would even dare go so far as to call it that — is in such a sad state of disarray due to minutes of mismanagement, that any snacks that we may have (allegedly?) had available at one time are no longer available.

So, there will be no snacks.

I know, I know. I feel your disappointment. I’m hungry, too — and could use a snack as much as anyone. You better believe that if there were snacks to be had, I would have them.

But there are no snacks. None. Ixnay on the acksnay.

That being said, I am quite happy to discuss other cost-free snack alternatives.

Can I interest you in a virtual *hug (high five, fist bump, hat tip…)

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Dear Universe,

The fact is, I can probably find a way to get along with just about anyone. And I know all relationships, even the best ones, take work.

But after all this time, when it comes to finding a mate, it’s either going to have to be someone amazing (to me), or no one at all. This is non-negotiable.

I’d rather die alone, at this point, than settle. I won’t do that to myself. I wouldn’t want to do that to someone else. I won’t do that for the children I’d like to raise. And I especially won’t do that because it sets a bad example.

So what I’m saying is, stop messing around. Because we both know I’m not going to budge on this. And and bleak as it looks some days, and as difficult as finding that special someone may seem at times, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to die alone, either…

So stop screwing around…

Love, me.

PS. She doesn’t have to totally get my sense of humor, but it would help.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” — Maureen Dowd

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Rollover moments

Dear Diary,

Woke up at 6 am. It’s 7:45 now. Nothing funny has happened yet.

Growing increasingly alarmed thinking that perhaps that’s it. That maybe I’ve used up all the funny moments in my life.

I didn’t realize I was supposed to spread them out!

Is this just a monthly thing? Perhaps things will reset tomorrow?

Uncertain what I should do.

Can’t I just borrow someone else’s funny moments? You know, the ones they’re not using? I’m sure lots of serious people have rollover moments they’re not using!

I’ll take those! Come on, no one will know.

If it truly has to be this way, I vote for an increase in sexy time.

I must have a lot of those moments saved up… As I can’t, for the life of me, remember the last time I had one.

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Dear Insects…


Dear insects that land on me and make me hit myself,

You think you’re so freaking funny, don’t you?

I can picture it now…

“Hey Bob, watch me make this guy hit himself!”

“Ha ha ha. Yeah! Do it, Kenny. Do it!”


“Oh my god, you killed Kenny! You bastard!”

Ok. It wasn’t funny that time.

That was actually tragic.

But you know what I mean.

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Dear parallel universe # 1,005,004,056


Dear parallel universe #1,005,004,056,

When it’s finally my turn to design version 2 of the human body, let it be known that “sweat control” will be on the list of body modifications.

Simply put, I want to control from where I sweat and how much I sweat.

To put it frankly, I think this whole butt sweat thing is unnecessary.

And while we’re discussing it, maybe we’ll do away with sweating altogether and just go the dog route.

Maybe the reason dogs are so happy all the time is they they’re not subject to looking like they wet their shorts after sitting in a pleather chair.

Panting, baby. It’s where it’s at.

Roof! Roof!

*Today I learned that dogs actually do sweat (from their nose and paws), but not for thermoregulation.



If you would like to know the nature of this post…

Sitting in cafe.
Cell phone rings.

I answer.

“Hello. I have a call for you. Please hold while I connect you.”

It’s a robot.
Music plays.

15 seconds later…

“Our representatives are temporarily busy. Please continue to hold briefly.”

15 seconds later…

“We apologize for the delay. You will be connected in just a moment. Please continue to hold.”

15 seconds later…

“Thank you for your patience. Your call in now next in line. We will connect you in just a moment.”

15 seconds later…

“We’re sorry we weren’t able to speak with you. We are experiencing high call volumes.

If you would like to continue to hold, please press 1.
If you would like us to try you later, please press 2.
If you would like to know the nature of this call, please press 3 now.”




Dear phone robots,

1. Maybe you wouldn’t be experiencing “high call volumes” if you dialed back the number of people you decided to call about matters that you intentionally keep a mystery.

2. Maybe it’s not a good idea to call people only to put them on hold… and then tell them the wait will be brief… and then tell them they are next in line… to finally tell them you are unable to speak with them.

This makes NO sense unless you are deliberately programmed to be a tease. In which case, you are in the wrong industry.

3. Maybe, rather than keep the nature of your call a secret until the very end, you should simply TELL people what the nature of the call is BEFORE you make them waste their time waiting for you to finally decide you are unable to talk to the person you called.

And this is one of the reasons why I want to bring back the dinosaurs.

To wage war on the phone robots.

But I digress…

*Turns out, it wasn’t even for me. It was for some dude who is not me…

*pressed 3*

“Hello, this is an important call for… Ronald Fray.

If you are… Ronald Fray, please press 1.
If not, then please have… Ronald Fray call us at ### regarding a personal business matter.
If we have the wrong number, please press 2.
To hear this message again, press the star key.”

Oh hell, it was so much fun the first time, let’s hear it again.

I personally believe this is one of the ways that robots are deliberately testing us and probing for weaknesses.

Who’s to say what genius ideas I could have had during that minute+ of wasted time?

And just think, if they called 1 million people and wasted 1 minute of their time, that is nearly *2 years* of human existence wasted.

We need dinosaurs now more than ever.

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Dear shady guy in the cap and hoodie

Dear shady guy in the cap and hoodie,

Ah. The smash and grab. It’s like a box of chocolates.

Here’s what you’ve recently acquired:

  • A backpack

    Inside the backpack…

    • Gym sneakers
    • Shampoo
    • Loofah
    • Bodywash
    • Shaving gel
    • Lotion
    • Shower flip flops
    • A portable shaver
    • Hair clippers
    • 3 pairs of socks
    • A bag of toiletries: deodorant, razor, clippers, toothbrush & paste…

Probably not the haul you were looking for, but I hope you find a use for them.

And thanks. I am now once again faced with having to choose a new body wash.

And a new passenger side window. I’ll need one of those, too.

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