Cup-holder vortex

Today I have finally concluded that there are dormant gravitational forces between the two front seats of my car — specifically in the area surrounding the cup-holder.

And that these gravitational forces are only activated under two very specific conditions:

  • 1. There is a lidless cup in the cup-holder — and this lidless cup contains liquid.
  • 2. There is an electronic device nearby that is small enough to fit in that cup.

Under these conditions, the space between my seats becomes a vortex hell-bent on liberating the world of small, but proportionately expensive, electronic items.

In the past, my phone has been sucked into that space, but quick thinking on my part (mainly, “WTF, phone!? You don’t belong in there!”) managed to save and resuscitate the device.

I thought it would be the same with my beloved bluetooth mouse (“WTF, mouse!? You don’t belong in there!”), which I managed to retrieve in under 3 seconds. Surely a bluetooth mouse can handle being submerged for 3 seconds in water… but no.

Three days later and it powers up, but is done heeding my commands in any fashion that resembles heeding commands.

Blaaaaaast yoooooou cup-holder vortex!

*thinks “Now if I could only figure out a viable business plan that involved having people’s small electronic devices sucked to their doom in the space between the front seats in my car…”*

Oh yes! There is always opportunity in crisis!

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Driving rather nonchalantly down the street…

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That awkward moment you’re driving — rather nonchalantly — down the street and the largest — and certainly the most frightening and potentially dangerous insect flies in through your sunroof and lands on your lap.

In the brief second you have to look down, it is a truly terrifying spectacle to behold! And your your whole life practically flashes before your eyes… until you realize it’s
just a harmless leaf!

Damn nature, was that reeeeally necessary?

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Auto audio

auto-audio-zero-dean

That awkward terrifying moment when you’re stopped at a light and your car starts making a weird noise.

A weird noise that goes away as soon as you put some distance between you and the car next to you.

Blast you ventriloquist cars that fool me into thinking I have car issues!

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An unexpected lesson in personal responsibility

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That awkward moment when you blame what can only be summed up as “an idiotic driving maneuver” you just made on the people who designed the road…

“If those idiots didn’t design this road this way…!”

Some days I think I’m making progress on the path to enlightenment.

Other days, I momentarily blame my mistakes on people who build roads.

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The cute couple

Parked in the middle of a lot. Sunny day. Windows down. Eating my lunch.

A couple in a red car pull up one space over from mine. This is unusual because there are plenty of spaces open that are closer to the shops. I park at a distance to enjoy the walk.

The passenger door opens. It’s a woman in bright clothes. And she’s cracking up. Huge laugh. Barely able to get out of the car.

Man on the other side gets out and walks around. She’s now grabbing some shopping bags from the back seat. Still giggling.

He asks if he can help her carry anything. She politely declines. He says some smart ass response — which I don’t quite hear — but she starts to laugh again.

They look over and smile as they walk past my car. I already have a smile on my face.

I watch them as they make their way slowly, but surely towards the shops.

And I think, “I want to be like that couple when I’m in my 80’s, too.”

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Horn settings

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When I am ruler of the Galaxy, I will decree that there will be three automobile horn settings.

  1. The friendly toot (less than .5 seconds)
  2. The default beep (max length 1 second)
  3. The angry honk (lower in tone. Max length 2 seconds.)

With only 1 press allowed per 30 seconds.

Yeah. That sounds about right.

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Auto audio enhancements

auto-audio-enhancements-zero-dean

Every time I hear a vehicle that the owner has modified to be much louder than necessary, I imagine they did that because they really care about blind people.

And those people who blare bass so loud you can feel it? It’s like they’re providing sonar for folks who are hard of hearing.

“Step back from the curb, Honey. I can feel a car coming!”

There are so many caring people in the San Diego area. It’s inspiring.

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Global Positioning Shutdown

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That awkward moment when you reach your destination, but your GPS won’t stop talking…

And you’re like “I’m good! I’m here!”

And she’s like, “In 1,000 feeet, turn right onto…”

And you’re like, “Really, I’m here. We’ve stopped. We’re in the parking lot!”

And yet she still insists that you proceed around the block only to end up exactly where you are…

And although you feel really bad for interrupting, you not only interrupt her, you shut her down mid sentence.

Hopefully she forgets about this incident.

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Kindred spirits

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I used to feel guilty for the amusement I get by saying, “Watch out, bird!” to navigationally challenged birds while driving…

But then one day I was jogging across an open field and got nailed by copious amounts of bird poop.

And I swear that bird was saying, “Watch out, human!” as he flew by.

I guess we’re kindred spirits in that way.

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Guilty not because I’m out to get birds. Quite the contrary (birds are awesome and I am forever a friend of birds). Guilty because I feel we humans are always encroaching upon birds’ (and other animals) space. I’d feel terrible if I ever hit one — but still, I do find it amusing to say, “What out, bird!”

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Drive it like you stole it

drive-it-like-you-stole-it-zero-dean

Weird thought of the evening:

The problem with the expression “drive it like you stole it” is that if I were to actually steal a car, you can be darn sure I’d be following every rule of the road and trying to maintain as low a profile as possible.

And yet, the expression “drive it like you stole it” implies you’re going to put the pedal the metal and drive around like Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane is in hot pursuit.

And — uh… hmmm.

*That awkward moment you just told everyone how you would drive if you stole a car. Dammit! I gave away my strategy!

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