Texting and driving solutions


To reduce the perils of texting and driving, auto manufacturers should replace steering wheels with joysticks and game controllers.

You can’t text if you need your fingers to drive.

And another plus: driving a car like a fighter jet would be all kinds of rad.

Especially when accompanied by sound effects!

Reeeooowww! Pew! Pew!

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Custom car alarms

I think people should be able to pick their own car alarm sound in the same way we pick ring tones for our phones.

This way it’s easier to identify if it’s your specific car alarm going off.


“Holy crackers! Call 911! That’s my car alarm going off!”

Or, in the event someone else has the same custom car alarm as you, you instantly feel connected to that person.

“I love that song!”

Although having my car actually ring like a phone would be cool, too.

But not really.

I’m just saying, car alarms are pretty annoying. And I guess that’s the point. But having custom car alarm sounds wouldn’t make them less annoying, really. But it would make them more useful.

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RE: Eye of the Tiger (video)

Parking moves


That awkward moment you park your car and something about its spacial relationship to the car you parked next to seems off.

So you have to ask yourself, “Did I just park like an assclown?”

And then you get out and check.

And yes, I parked like an assclown.

But unlike other assclowns, I got back in my car and fixed it.

Because even when I do park like an assclown, I don’t park like an assclown.


I don’t always park like an assclown, but when I do, I don’t. I repark my car, bitches.

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Slow going

That awkward moment you’re at a red light and the light turns green and the person in front of you accelerates as if they are an ant pressing down on the gas pedal.

Which is, to say, very slowly.

This is almost worse than not going at all…

Because by moving, I *know* you’ve seen the light turn green. What I don’t know is why you are suddenly moving in ultra slow motion.

It’s like you’re trapped in some kind of weird time discrepancy and have fallen out of sync with the universe.

Stop doing that. Stop falling out of sync with the universe.

Light turns green. You GO.

Or you don’t go and I honk at you (politely).

There is nooo slooow moootiooon oooptiooon.

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Dear person in the car 3 parking spaces away from mine

Dear person in the car 3 parking spaces away from mine,

On behalf of everyone within a half mile radius, I would just like to say that it is certainly an interesting and unexpected experience listening to the bass from your stereo make the various parts of your car rattle.

And while none of us can quite make out what you are listening to, because the vocals are so distorted as a result of you turning the volume up so high that it is impossible for your speakers to render the vocal track with any degree of accuracy, we would all like to thank you for wanting us to be a part of your impromptu amateur music broadcast experience.

Sadly, we must dock points for the lack of vocal clarity as well as the undesirable noises being made as a result of your car rattling.

We must also dock points for not allowing people to opt out of this auditory experience.

If this auditory experience was an email, it would immediately be flagged as spam. Naughty naughty.

The judges award you 2.3 out of 10 points, which is quite low, but look on the bright side, you can almost only go up from here.

Looking forward to your next broadcast, not so much.

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Where'd you get the coconuts?

That awkward moment — while driving — and the sound effects coming out of your mouth are far more satisfying than the sound effects coming out of your car.

You know, like when you’re driving through a parking lot, turn into a parking space, and come to a dramatic (but safe) stop… and your tires totally refuse to acknowledge how amazing your driving skills were just then.

I think there’s only one thing to do in this situation. If your tires won’t make the proper sound, ya gotta do it yourself.


Sooo much more satisfying.

This is yet another reason why I need to be an eccentric billionaire.

That way I can hire someone to make cool sound effects for me. And maybe even follow me around playing the soundtrack to my life.

I’m picturing lots of Indiana Jones moments.

Music and sound effects accentuate everything!


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RE: Where’d you get the coconuts? (video)

Driver appreciation week

Driver appreciation week

See this pin on Pinterest

I’ve decided to practice only saying nice things to other drivers this week.

  • “Nice acceleration, buddy.”
  • “Damn man, you blink like a champion!”
  • “I love your steady deceleration at that light!”
  • “Look at you letting those cars enter the driving lane!”
  • “I love how you passed me just now.”
  • “You, sir, have an awesome bumper sticker.”
  • “Thanks for sharing your music with the rest of us!”
  • “Way to be safe, my friend!”

Oh yes, this is having a marvelous effect on my perception of other drivers.

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Red light green light


That awkward moment when you’re stopped at a red light and it turns green, but the car in front of you doesn’t go —

And you wait like 3 seconds and it still doesn’t go.

So you honk your horn and they react by taking off really fast like a crazy person.

As if:

  • 1. you scared them
  • 2. they want to show you how sorry they are by somehow making up lost time by speeding off
  • 3. they fully expect you to chase them.

*I went with #3. ;)

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