The future, delivered


I’ve decided I’m going to create a company that delivers the future — specifically tomorrow — with guaranteed overnight delivery!

I’ve already got an awesome company name and slogan in mind! Now I just need a business model.


Tomorrow, when you absolutely, positively need it overnight.

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The next big mind blower


Announcing the next big thing from the people who brought you the words “foodie” and “selfie”!

It the Wordie™ Generator app from Wordie™ Corp!

Now you can impress your friends by unnecessarily dumbifying any communication with the simple press of a button.

It will *literally make your head explode! LOLS!

So download the app today and help make clear, thoughtful, and intelligent communication a thing of the past.

*Disclaimer: We mean it

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I think I’m going to start a business that creates awards for things you shouldn’t get awards for.

That way whenever someone says, “I’m sorry they don’t give awards for [whatever it is]”, someone can say, “No, wait! I know this company…”

Or “Congratulations! You just won an award for being a major pain in the ass.”

Now I just need a business plan.

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Prognostication infatuation


Something is going to happen today, I can feel it.

In fact, lots of things are going to happen.

Lots of things are always happening.

Even right now.

For example, at this moment, I’m thinking there might be a good business opportunity in being a vague & ambiguous prognosticator.

I can see my business card already…

Zerostradamus, V.A.P.

Your future, in uncertain terms.

Call me. Maybe.

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Drone Tech

When I run an auto accessory business, I’m going to create anti-drone technology for convertible cars.

“Do you drive a convertible?

Has your Bon Jovi CD collection gone missing? What about your favorite travel mug or that pair of sunglasses you forgot about?

Do you like feeling safe?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are not alone! Drone convertible theft is on the rise!

99{82b2ded5ae086bbe31c001f0374079c9503b180ae813ec027549eb44365a9474} of the people we polled think it’s only going to get worse!

But relax, we’re here to help.

With the Anti-Drone packages from ZDTech®, your convertible will be completely safe from drone theft.

Our patent-pending InvisiShield™ technology renders drone navigation systems completely inoperable at any time they hover directly above your vehicle.

And now, for the first time ever, our DroneBlaster™ package allows people like you to fight back.

Simply mount our high powered waterjet turrets on any flat surface of your vehicle, and you have the ability to spray drones if they fly within 30 meters of your vehicle.

Don’t waste another day worrying about done theft. Get your Anti-Drone packages from ZDTech® today!

… Void where illegal. Please check local laws and ordinances. Cloud-based subscription required. Batteries not included. Not responsible for personal injury. Please anti-drone responsibly.”

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When I run my own cosmetics company…


When I run my own cosmetics company, we’re going to make products that take care of unsophisticated lines & wrinkles.

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From the comments:

Vik: “Zerometics presents the Faceiron. Cheaper than Botox and more effective than surgery. Steams away fine lines and leaves your face as smooth as a baby’s butt.

Available at Target for 19.99”

Zero: No, not the fine lines, all the other unsophisticated ones! Otherwise, perfect! :)





I wish I could find the store where all of these guys at the gym wearing shirts with the sleeves torn off go to.

Not because I want any shirts with the sleeves torn off.

I’m hoping they have something a bit more bad ass than that…

You know…

Bullet holes, knife fight tears, shark bite marks, Honey Badger rips, tire treads…

That’s the kind of shirt I want.

Dang. If those don’t exist, that’s a brilliant idea.

I just need a bunch of weapons, a shark, and a Honey Badger.

We’ll call it Perilwear™.

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But will it hold water?


My new hobby:

Looking at random things and saying, “Yeah, that’s not gonna fly.”

Because it doesn’t have wings. Or a motor. Or anything that would make it fly.

Maybe I can convince someone to pay me to do this.

Yeah, that’s not gonna fly.

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*Thanks to Juliet Koss for the title of this post (from the comments)