Good with computers

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That awkward moment you’re approached by a woman who says, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you look like you’re good with computers…”

Because yeah, I am good with computers — but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to give off the kind of vibe that when a woman looks at me she thinks, “That guy right there! That guy looks really good with computers.”

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Originally published on: May 23, 2012 @ 13:32

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Grand theft vocabulary

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That awkward moment you’re having a conversation with someone and you use a really good, but rarely used, word…

And you’re kind of proud you thought to use it, because it fit perfectly and you’re not even sure where it came from.

Perhaps it was a gift from the vocabulary gods.

But then the person you’re talking to proceeds to use the exact same word in the exact same conversation with you.

Like, they steal that word from you!

Right in front of you!

And you look at them like you know what they did.

But they look at you like you have no idea.

And all you can think now is, “You dirty little word stealer!”

;)

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Originally published on: Jul 24, 2014 @ 18:11

"Do I whaaaaat?"

do-i-what-zero-dean

Walking out of Target on my way to my car. A woman calls to me from her car…

“Excuse me, sir. Do you work alone?”

I’m thinking, well that’s a weird question, ‘What?’ I reply.

“Do you work alone?”

Again I say, ‘What!?’, because I have no idea how to respond to a complete stranger asking that question.

I mean, is she asking me if I’m self employed? Is she hitting on me? Is she looking for work? Is this some kind of Las Vegas prostitute thing!?

“Do you work alone?”

Ok, clearly I’m not getting it, so I say, ‘Ok, are you saying, “Do I work alone?”‘

“No,” she laughs and looks at me like I’m slow, “Dooo. Yooou. Wearrrr. Cologne?”

Yup. That just happened.

What was she doing? She was giving out free samples of cologne and selling cheap knock offs from her car.

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Originally published on: Apr 9, 2013 @ 13:41

Hot web comic action

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I’ve decided that in order to increase my eccentricity factor, from this day forth, instead of simply ordering anything like a normal person, I shall now request [descriptive name of item] plus the word “action”.

For example, if I want coffee, I shall now order “hot coffee action”.
If I want a bagel, I shall request “sweet blueberry bagel action”.

Oh yes.

It took me a while to get to this point, but now that I’m on the brink of making this transition, it just feels right.

Awww yeah. We’ve got some eccentric decision making action going on right here.

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Originally published on: Dec 12, 2013 @ 14:28

Faux alarm

faux-alarm-zero-dean

That awkward moment when you think you see someone you don’t want to see —

but it only turns out to be their doppelganger.

And then you feel a weird sense of disappointment because you went through the whole awkward emergency emotional response —

for nothing. O_o

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Originally published on: Dec 22, 2013 @ 14:09

Exception

exception-zero-dean

When I have a family, I’m thinking about naming one of my children Exception.

That way I can have fun conversations like…

“Hey, did you hear about the new park opening up?”
“New park, eh? I think I’ll take Exception to that!”
“Why, are you offended?”
“No, no. Exception is my son.”
“WHY would you name your child Exce–”

Anyway, you get the idea.

Good times.

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Originally published on: Sep 27, 2013 @ 09:05

Fear News Network

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I think network news should be called, “What we think you should worry about next.”

I only see bits and pieces of it while it’s on the monitors at the gym, but it’s almost always the same predominant message…

Be afraid.

Eff that.

There are so many amazing and beautiful things going on in the world. Those things are inspiring and motivating.

More of that, please.

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Of course, I want to be informed and know what’s going on in the world. But the non stop fear cycle is tiring. And so much news nowadays is just biased spin now.

I realize we are responsible for what we watch, but I can’t help but think the world might be less afraid if we weren’t constantly barraged with fear messages.

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Originally published on: Jun 1, 2013 @ 10:58

First!

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Whenever I’m standing somewhere and people ask me if I’m in line, I always say “yes, I’m in line” even if I’m not in line for whatever they’re probably in line for.

I do this just in case they’re about to start a line for something I could potentially be in line for. Because, frankly, I could potentially be in line for a lot of things and I want to make absolutely sure that whatever those potential things might be, I’m the first one in line for them.

*Free money, free pandas, free sword fighting lessons, free movie tickets, free burritos, free guacamole, free anti-gravity boots…

Stuff like that. It’s a pretty extensive list.

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Originally published on: Dec 10, 2014 @ 14:01