That awkward moment you draw a cartoon version of your 14-lb adventure dog, Koti, who you rescued because you always said you needed a sidekick... only to realize you never gave the cartoon version of yourself pupils.

Koti: "Which is why I should definitely be put in charge."

Previously, the redesign: Underwear status: TBD

Meet Koti: my adventure companion, who I rescued on June 2, 2023, when he was estimated to be about a year old. Since nobody knows his real birthday, that's the day we celebrate both. My canine sidekick is only new to you. The redesign is new to both of us. The eyebrows are still on backorder. Follow our real adventures, "Adventures with Koti & Zero," on YouTube ↗, TikTok ↗, Instagram ↗ or Facebook ↗.

That awkward moment you're a glorified stick figure with a big head and weird arms and no one knows if you have any feet...

And then you're suddenly a glorified stick figure with a big head and slightly less weird arms, new legs, and now everyone knows you've been wearing flip-flops this whole time.

I'm a little nervous to see what else is in this redesign.

Redesign debut: this is the first post featuring a new, slightly redesigned comic version of myself. It also hints at future changes.

What's the word for how one moment it's October 2019 and you're posting to your webcomic and the next moment you're doing the same thing... except, somehow, 7 years have passed?

Well, you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you that I found a time machine. But you might be somewhat more inclined to believe me if I told you the instructions were in a foreign language. And I don't speak any foreign languages. So here I am. One silly little translation error and I ended up traveling 7 years into the future instead of 7 years into the past.

*Goes to check Google to see if I missed anything interesting*

Actual thought just now:

I wonder how many apples the Apple store would sell if the Apple store sold apples.

Which was seriously followed with:
And what if Microsoft sold windows?

Welcome to my brain.

That awkward moment you're in a laundromat and one of the washers near you goes into the spin cycle...

And it sounds similar to a jet preparing for take off...
And everything starts shaking...
And you look out the window and you're at 35,000 feet.

OK, well, except for that last bit, it's all true!

To some people, being disagreeable is just a game.

No it isn't.

Yes it is.

No it isn't!

GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!

That awkward moment you take a picture of a picture and your picture of the picture is better than the picture you took a picture of.

True story.

It's not that I'm easily distracted, it's just

No one ever tells you this, but the older you get, the more your eyebrow hairs will decide to grow out in whatever direction they want, regardless of how much you may disapprove of their defiant acts of independence.

I hope this warning will leave you better prepared than I was.

Need a clue? Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows. Or the lack of them.

Every day I wake up with the belief that it's going to be an awesome day and I'm going to get so much done!

And then my actual day starts. At which point, it becomes an epic battle between my what I have planned and what life actually has in store for me.

I'm a writer. And it's a good thing, too. Because the fact is, I write much better than I speak. But that's not the only thing I am.

Artist? Sure. Humorist? Sometimes. A man who often eats cereal for lunch? It's true. But I'm also a psychic. And I bet you didn't see that one coming! (Unless, of course, you are also a psychic like me). But anyway. Do you know how I know I'm psychic? Because I know what you're thinking...

"If he writes this poorly..." and "Where is all of this going?" and "When is this comic going to end?" and "Oh wait, here it is." and "Oh, damn! That wasn't the end! He fooled me!" and "OK, here's the real ending."

*And "Was that supposed to be funny?"

And it eventually eats at you so much that it compels you to try to find the humor in your life. And as you do, you find it. And it reminds you that as dark as the world can sometimes appear, it doesn't mean that your life isn't still full of silly ridiculousness.

The fact is, when times are tough, humor is often what we need to survive those times without going completely mad. If you can find the humor in life and make someone laugh, do it. Even if that someone is you.

I used to be funny. I still am. But I used to be, too.
*Nod to Mitch Hedberg

The original: Mitch Hedberg's line, "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

Because, frankly, if someone says they feel me and I don't feel them feeling me, it probably means they're either doing it on the sly or part of my body is numb.

You feel me?

I don't care if a cell phone offers "up to" 10 hours of battery life. And I don't care if I might save "up to" 25% when I buy one.

If companies really wanted to be bold, they would tell me that, that no matter what I do, I can expect "at least" [whatever it is]. Because that will likely prove to be far more accurate and more relevant to most people than any claims of "up to".

*Even if you qualify it with "most people can expect to get a minimum of", that's far more useful to most people than "up to".

Driving to the gym with the sunroof open. Smell eucalyptus and turn to see a bunch of happy eucalyptus trees after all the rain that California's been getting.

That awkward moment you hear yourself shout, "Eucalyptus!"

That even more awkward moment after shouting "Eucalyptus!" that you shout it again a few more times and try to sound angry while doing it. Because ever since you heard that it's impossible to say "bubbles" and sound angry, you've been looking for other words that are impossible to sound angry while saying them.

It's funny how facebook informs me that:

"This post is one of your most engaging posts"

And then casually suggests that I toss them a measly $30 to get more people to see it. I think Facebook must have me confused with someone else. Because $30 isn't a small sum of money. Not to me.

Yeah, I know that's what some people spend on lunch, but 30 dollars buys me enough cereal to account for breakfast *and* lunch for almost 2 weeks.

And sadly, I'm not kidding. And so it's not really funny. Except that it kind of is.

*Goes to check book ↗ sales*

RE:

At my new bank standing in front of a bank teller working out a transaction...

Bank teller: "I'll just need to see some form of ID and have you answer a few questions." he says. "And a blood sample." he adds, jokingly.

Me, without hesitation: "Well, that's less than what my former bank asks for."

Teller, without skipping a beat: "Your first born?"

Me: "Yep. That's why you're my new bank and they're my old one."

Follow Zero Talking on Instagram ↗

That awkward moment you’re at Trader Joe's and the cashier asks you if you would like a bag. And you look at your stuff and think, that's not a bad idea! And you're kind of excited about it. Because you rarely buy more things than you can carry.

So you're thinking that's not a bad idea and let's do it! And exclaim in an excited voice, "Let's not!"

And then I had to laugh and explain that my brain and I have a special relationship. She looked at me and was very understanding.

Follow Zero Talking on Instagram ↗

The problem with the expression "Strangers are simply friends you haven't met yet" is that my friends probably wouldn't mind — quite so much — when I playfully whip their butts with my towel when I walk behind them at the gym.

Who knew that big guys could run that fast!? ;)

Optimizing brain.

This may take several days.

You have to use your imagination, but I'm on the right in this picture.

No. Wait.

I'm on the left.

I mean to the left of the person on the right, but to the right of the person on the left.

The rest is up to you.

Like I said, you have to use your imagination.

How come when I do something ridiculous, I almost always have an audience...

But when I do something awesome, there are never any witnesses to my awesomeness... Even in a crowded gym.

Kick flipping that yoga ball onto the rack just now was awesome.

Audience = 0.

Literally.

I believe there has to be some kind of universal law dictating that the size of your viewing audience is inversely proportional to the degree to which your action was awesome.

Silly mirror. I'm better looking than that.

That awkward moment you read the warning label on a bottle of vitamins and it says, "Do not take if you are pregnant or may become pregnant."

And you're like, well, it's highly unlikely I'll become pregnant, but I don't want to rule out the possibility of spontaneous male pregnancy entirely.

Also shouldn't take while breastfeeding.

Dammit.

This bottle of vitamins should come with a buzz kill warning.

What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover.

... But I'll settle for a slightly used one.

As long as she still runs well, gets good mileage, and isn't going to raise my insurance premiums.

RE: Dead Or Alive - Brand New Lover (video ↗)

For reference: Dead or Alive's 1986 hit "Brand New Lover." I'm shopping the used lot.

That awkward moment you walk out to your car in the parking lot and discover you accidentally left it unlocked.

When that happens, I like to pretend that I did it on purpose and was really just testing people.

Nothing stolen?

Good job, humans! You pass!

In cafe. a Group of retirees sitting at a table next to mine. a Small child & Mom walk by and get the attention of the group. They all chitchat for minute. The child is a burst of sunshine.

Then they all say good-bye...

As the child is walking away, he turns and says:

“Wait! There’s one more thing I want to say to you!”

“What is that?”

“There’s a Sponge Bob shirt.”

And then he walked away like a kid who just shared the answer to life.

"Google is your friend."

Well sure. Up Until their robots and self-driving cars become sentient and try to take over the world. Then we're all toast!

Now, I’m not saying I’m not looking forward to the apocalypse, but I am saying I've seen The Terminator. I know how this story goes.

*I'm cool with the robot apocalypse as long as I can still google "how to survive the robot apocalypse" when it happens.

I think the problem with asking the Universe for something is not that the Universe doesn't answer, but that if time and space are infinite, then getting the universe to answer you within your own lifetime, let alone in the same week you ask for something, is like trying to find a specific atom on a specific day a billion years ago.

What is a billion years in infinity? It's not even a blink of an eye.

Maybe every girl who wishes for a pony has their wish granted, but due to the scope of space and time, it doesn't necessarily show up when and where it's actually wanted...

Even if, in the grand scope of things, it's pretty darn close.

I picture a lot ponies floating around in space.

O_O

Whoa. What's in that juice I drank?