Zero Talking

Eucalyptus!

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Driving to the gym with the sunroof open. Smell eucalyptus and turn to see a bunch of happy eucalyptus trees after all the rain that California’s been getting.

That awkward moment you hear yourself shout, “Eucalyptus!”

That even more awkward moment after shouting “Eucalyptus!” that you shout it again a few more times and try to sound angry while doing it. Because ever since you heard that it’s impossible to say “bubbles” and sound angry, you’ve been looking for other words that are impossible to sound angry while saying them.

30 dollars

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It’s funny how facebook informs me that:

“This post is one of your most engaging posts”

And then casually suggests that I toss them a measly $30 to get more people to see it. I think Facebook must have me confused with someone else. Because $30 isn’t a small sum of money. Not to me.

Yeah, I know that’s what some people spend on lunch, but 30 dollars buys me enough cereal to account for breakfast *and* lunch for almost 2 weeks.

And sadly, I’m not kidding. And so it’s not really funny. Except that it kind of is.

*Goes to check book sales*

RE:

Banking banter

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At my new bank standing in front of a bank teller working out a transaction…

Bank teller: “I’ll just need to see some form of ID and have you answer a few questions.” he says. “And a blood sample.” he adds, jokingly.

Me, without hesitation: “Well, that’s less than what my former bank asks for.”

Teller, without skipping a beat: “Your first born?”

Me: “Yep. That’s why you’re my new bank and they’re my old one.”

A special relationship

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That awkward moment you’re at Trader Joe’s and the cashier asks you if you would like a bag. And you look at your stuff and think, that’s not a bad idea! And you’re kind of excited about it. Because you rarely buy more things than you can carry.

So you’re thinking that’s not a bad idea and let’s do it! And exclaim in an excited voice, “Let’s not!”

And then I had to laugh and explain that my brain and I have a special relationship. She looked at me and was very understanding.

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"Strangers are simply friends…"

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strangers-are-simply-friends-zero-dean

The problem with the expression “Strangers are simply friends you haven’t met yet” is that my friends probably wouldn’t mind — quite so much — when I playfully whip their butts with my towel when I walk behind them at the gym.

Who knew that big guys could run that fast!? ;)

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Originally published on: Aug 23, 2013 @ 10:57

There has to be a law for that.

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there-has-to-be-a-law-for-that-zero-dean

How come when I do something ridiculous, I almost always have an audience…

But when I do something awesome, there are never any witnesses to my awesomeness… Even in a crowded gym.

Kick flipping that yoga ball onto the rack just now was awesome.

Audience = 0.

Literally.

I believe there has to be some kind of universal law dictating that the size of your viewing audience is inversely proportional to the degree to which your action was awesome.

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Originally published on: Sep 28, 2012 @ 09:46