Grand theft vocabulary

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That awkward moment you’re having a conversation with someone and you use a really good, but rarely used, word…

And you’re kind of proud you thought to use it, because it fit perfectly and you’re not even sure where it came from.

Perhaps it was a gift from the vocabulary gods.

But then the person you’re talking to proceeds to use the exact same word in the exact same conversation with you.

Like, they steal that word from you!

Right in front of you!

And you look at them like you know what they did.

But they look at you like you have no idea.

And all you can think now is, “You dirty little word stealer!”

;)

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Originally published on: Jul 24, 2014 @ 18:11

First!

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Whenever I’m standing somewhere and people ask me if I’m in line, I always say “yes, I’m in line” even if I’m not in line for whatever they’re probably in line for.

I do this just in case they’re about to start a line for something I could potentially be in line for. Because, frankly, I could potentially be in line for a lot of things and I want to make absolutely sure that whatever those potential things might be, I’m the first one in line for them.

*Free money, free pandas, free sword fighting lessons, free movie tickets, free burritos, free guacamole, free anti-gravity boots…

Stuff like that. It’s a pretty extensive list.

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Originally published on: Dec 10, 2014 @ 14:01

Passive aggressive notes

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I think passive aggressive notes written in invisible ink would be like the most passive aggressive notes possible.

“How come you don’t take my notes seriously?”
“What notes?”
“The ones I keep leaving you!”
“The post-it notes you keep leaving around the house? They’re blank.”
“No, they’re not blank, genius! They’re written in invisible ink.”
“Well what do they say?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know.”
“But I don’t know!”
“Well you should!”

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Originally published on: Oct 19, 2014 @ 14:22

Pseudo sarcasm

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That awkward moment you’re accidentally sarcastic with someone when they ask you a question…

So your sarcastic sounding, “Yeah, I’m gonna do that.” sounds like, “There is no way I’m gonna do that.”, but you actually meant was, “Yeah, I’m gonna do that.”

Inflection. Yeah, it like totally matters.

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Originally published on: Jan 31, 2014 @ 19:41

Catch the wave

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That awkward moment someone waves at you at the gym and you don’t know them, but you decide to wave back…

Only to realize half a second into it that they’re not waving at you, but at their friend behind you…

But at this point, you’re fully committed to waving, so you wave anyway.

Because waving. It’s friendly.

Hell yeah.

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Originally published on: Jul 16, 2014 @ 11:14

Cookie biz

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I’ve finally decided that I want in on this Girl Scout cookies thing.

As such, it is my pleasure to announce that I am founding the Giant Female Cyborg Pirate Ninja Cookie Company – or GFCPNCC for short.

I should also point out, it’s our cookies that are giant, not our female cyborg pirate ninjas (those are just regular size).

Giant or not, those Girl Scouts don’t stand a chance against the GFCPNCC army! Muahahaha!

Also, I’m pretty sure our cookies will be reasonably delicious.

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Originally published on: Oct 3, 2014 @ 12:42

Dear grammar checking program I just installed

dear-grammar-checking-program-i-just-installed-zero-dean

Dear grammar checking program I just installed,

I don’t need you be underlinging words and making suggestions and sheet. Y’all is making me second guess myself.

Imma just ignore you.

My My grammar be fine! Spelling too fool! O_O

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From the comments:

Corey: That damn paper clip from Microsoft Word is the reason I can’t sleep at night…horrendous nightmares

Zero: The paper clip from Microsoft has fallen on some hard times.

Originally published on: Sep 23, 2014 @ 17:08

Click here for details about my new book.