There has to be a law for that.

there-has-to-be-a-law-for-that-zero-dean

How come when I do something ridiculous, I almost always have an audience…

But when I do something awesome, there are never any witnesses to my awesomeness… Even in a crowded gym.

Kick flipping that yoga ball onto the rack just now was awesome.

Audience = 0.

Literally.

I believe there has to be some kind of universal law dictating that the size of your viewing audience is inversely proportional to the degree to which your action was awesome.

Themes:

Originally published on: Sep 28, 2012 @ 09:46

Disc Golf.

disc-golf-zero-dean

Dear Facebook Ads,

Thank you for pointing out my singleness and suggesting that I:

“Meet local women that love to disc golf.”

I’m not saying that wouldn’t be awesome, but seriously — I’ve got much sexier “likes” than THAT.

For example…

Crap.

OK FINE.

You win this round.

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Originally published on: Feb 7, 2012 @ 12:20

Good with computers

good-with-computers-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re approached by a woman who says, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you look like you’re good with computers…”

Because yeah, I am good with computers — but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to give off the kind of vibe that when a woman looks at me she thinks, “That guy right there! That guy looks really good with computers.”

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Originally published on: May 23, 2012 @ 13:32

Google this!

google-this-zero-dean

I like to add an exclamation point to the end of all my google searches — like I’m really SUPER EXCITED about it!

I sense that the search engine understands how important the search results will be and takes my search more seriously.

See the comments on Facebook.

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Originally published on: Oct 13, 2012 @ 18:55

I had to be sure.

i-had-to-be-sure-zero-dean

I probably could have guessed that I could eat a whole box of ice cream sandwiches… But I had to be sure.

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Originally published on: Jul 4, 2012 @ 19:03

33 Minutes

33-minutes-zero-dean

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  • Goes to laundromat.
  • Puts clothes in front loading washer.
  • Puts in laundry detergent.
  • Puts in coins.
  • Notes that the wash will take 33 minutes.
  • Walks out to car.
  • Waits 33 minutes.
  • Walks back into laundromat.
  • Checks on laundry.
  • Never hit START.

BLAST YOU! PUNY MAN BRAIN!

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Themes:

From the comments:

Duffy Gillman: “Clothes, you just sit right there and think about the washing you’re going to get!”

Originally published on: Nov 8, 2012 @ 13:56

I took a cab…

Saw a cab idling in the parking lot. Since everyone says you’re supposed to take a cab on New Year’s Eve, I decided what the heck, you know?

That it might be a neat experience.

But I’ve been driving this thing around for like 20 minutes…

And it was kind of fun at first, and lots of people were waving at me, so I waved back as I drove by…

But then they started swearing and stuff. So I pulled over to see what was up and then a bunch of people got in.

And that was too much for me, so I got out and walked back to my car.

*While I didn’t really take a cab tonight, if you drink tonight, be safe and don’t drive. Call a cab. Please. :)

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