Relatively speaking

relatively-speaking-zero-dean

I think the problem with asking the Universe for something is not that the Universe doesn’t answer, but that if time and space are infinite, then getting the universe to answer you within your own lifetime, let alone in the same week you ask for something, is like trying to find a specific atom on a specific day a billion years ago.

What is a billion years in infinity? It’s not even a blink of an eye.

Maybe every girl who wishes for a pony has their wish granted, but due to the scope of space and time, it doesn’t necessarily show up when and where it’s actually wanted…

Even if, in the grand scope of things, it’s pretty darn close.

I picture a lot ponies floating around in space.

O_O

Whoa. What’s in that juice I drank?

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Originally published on: Jun 26, 2014 @ 16:54

Grrr.

grrr-zero-dean

Weird thought of the day:

I bet the first words ever spoken by a human being were, “What was that?”

Followed by screaming.

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From the comments:

Bert: I’m thinking it was “What’s in here?”

Followed by screaming.

Zero: A likely alternative!

Originally published on: Jul 15, 2014 @ 11:58

Hot web comic action

hot-web-comic-action-zero-dean

I’ve decided that in order to increase my eccentricity factor, from this day forth, instead of simply ordering anything like a normal person, I shall now request [descriptive name of item] plus the word “action”.

For example, if I want coffee, I shall now order “hot coffee action”.
If I want a bagel, I shall request “sweet blueberry bagel action”.

Oh yes.

It took me a while to get to this point, but now that I’m on the brink of making this transition, it just feels right.

Awww yeah. We’ve got some eccentric decision making action going on right here.

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Originally published on: Dec 12, 2013 @ 14:28

Exception

exception-zero-dean

When I have a family, I’m thinking about naming one of my children Exception.

That way I can have fun conversations like…

“Hey, did you hear about the new park opening up?”
“New park, eh? I think I’ll take Exception to that!”
“Why, are you offended?”
“No, no. Exception is my son.”
“WHY would you name your child Exce–”

Anyway, you get the idea.

Good times.

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Originally published on: Sep 27, 2013 @ 09:05

First!

first-zero-dean

Whenever I’m standing somewhere and people ask me if I’m in line, I always say “yes, I’m in line” even if I’m not in line for whatever they’re probably in line for.

I do this just in case they’re about to start a line for something I could potentially be in line for. Because, frankly, I could potentially be in line for a lot of things and I want to make absolutely sure that whatever those potential things might be, I’m the first one in line for them.

*Free money, free pandas, free sword fighting lessons, free movie tickets, free burritos, free guacamole, free anti-gravity boots…

Stuff like that. It’s a pretty extensive list.

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Originally published on: Dec 10, 2014 @ 14:01

I have no recollection of that

i-have-no-recollection-of-that-zero-dean

That awkward infinite brain loop that happens when you start thinking about all the things you may have forgotten in your life, but you can’t remember them because you can’t remember them. O_o

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Originally published on: Aug 24, 2013 @ 16:13

Passive aggressive notes

passive-aggressive-notes-zero-dean

I think passive aggressive notes written in invisible ink would be like the most passive aggressive notes possible.

“How come you don’t take my notes seriously?”
“What notes?”
“The ones I keep leaving you!”
“The post-it notes you keep leaving around the house? They’re blank.”
“No, they’re not blank, genius! They’re written in invisible ink.”
“Well what do they say?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know.”
“But I don’t know!”
“Well you should!”

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Originally published on: Oct 19, 2014 @ 14:22

Something out of a dream

something-out-of-a-dream-zero-dean

Weird thought of the morning:

I don’t really think about celebrities all that much, which is why I find it odd that I seem to always be running into them in my dreams.

Last night, after parking my 4Runner in a snowy parking lot at a ski resort, I walked in to find Justin Timberlake sitting at a comfortable corner lounge table with his macbook.

Anyway, we ended up having an interesting casual conversation.

And I’m thinking, “What the heck am I doing at a ski lodge talking to Justin Timberlake!?”

And then I started thinking, what if the people in your dreams that you don’t recognize are real people, too, but they’re simply non-celebrities.

Oh man, what if we’re all playing bit parts in each other’s dreams and we don’t even know it. O_O

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Originally published on: Oct 26, 2013 @ 09:30

Cookie biz

cookie-biz-zero-dean

I’ve finally decided that I want in on this Girl Scout cookies thing.

As such, it is my pleasure to announce that I am founding the Giant Female Cyborg Pirate Ninja Cookie Company – or GFCPNCC for short.

I should also point out, it’s our cookies that are giant, not our female cyborg pirate ninjas (those are just regular size).

Giant or not, those Girl Scouts don’t stand a chance against the GFCPNCC army! Muahahaha!

Also, I’m pretty sure our cookies will be reasonably delicious.

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Originally published on: Oct 3, 2014 @ 12:42

Click here for details about my new book.