The new age

the-new-age-zero-dean

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Actual feedback: “Dude your stuff is literally some of the coolest stuff I came across in the New Age…”

Which is a super nice thing to say, but all I can think is, “This sounds like something a time traveler would say. I wonder what Age he is from originally.”

And then I think about how to go about asking him about his time traveling experiences without seeming too interested… you know, in case he’s not supposed to tell anyone.

Because this is how I think.

Which is also why it’s important to speak to me very clearly.

One second you’re giving me a compliment and the next I’m thinking about how to go about asking you about your experiences as a time traveler.

True story.

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Book of the future

Signed copies of my book will be available in the future.

As will standard copies of my book.

And an e-book version.

But first I have to write it.

This will also take place in the future.

So much to do.

So much to look forward to.

Except, of course, in the future, I’ve already written that book. So perhaps I should start working on the second one?

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The future, delivered

the-future-delivered-zero-dean

I’ve decided I’m going to create a company that delivers the future — specifically tomorrow — with guaranteed overnight delivery!

I’ve already got an awesome company name and slogan in mind! Now I just need a business model.

FutureExpress®

Tomorrow, when you absolutely, positively need it overnight.

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Wanted: Portal to another dimension

wanted-portal-to-another-dimension-zero-dean

Wanted: Portal to another dimension

Will consider any portals capable of travel to other dimensions, alternate universes, interstellar space, or past/future timelines. Destination must be capable of supporting human life comfortably (no breathing apparatus or detox suits required, for example).

Will also consider wormholes, but transportation to wormhole must be provided for — within a reasonable timeframe — and the destination explicitly stated.

Specifically seeking dragon inhabited dimensions — or dimensions with dragon potential (you know what I mean). Dinosaurs are an acceptable substitute. Magic is desired.

If you have such a portal available, please provide as many details about it as possible.

Please note: NO GATEWAYS TO HELL or Hell-like dimensions. My last visit went badly.

Thank you.

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For sale: Time machine

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FOR SALE: Time machine

Needs some work.

Please note, option to travel backwards in time is not an option with this particular model, but forward time travel is possible!

What’s wrong with it: A tiny malfunction in the system’s circuits is causing users to only travel forward in time at a speed relative to their perception.

I’m convinced this can be fixed (on the cheap), but I don’t have the tools or knowhow necessary to do it myself.

If you think you can fix it, I’m willing to let this go for the low price of $10,000.

Will consider best offer or trades. Let’s talk!

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From the comments:

Darren: I want my money back. I bought this from you 3 years ago and fixed the reverse time travel. Now, it won’t go forwards in time relative to my perception. It’s broken. I have returned for my money, as you are incarcerated in the near future for false advertising and selling a time machine without a proper license. I accept PayPal.

Zero: I gave you your money back tomorrow. 

Darren: Right… hence the reason why I am returning this machine. BTW, sell off all your shares in Apple on March 13th, 2017

Dave: I time travel for free now. I fall into a deep, horizontally situated pseudo coma and when I come out, I’m some 6-8 hours into the future.

Zero: Any way you can let me know how you do that? Free, you say?

Ultra limited-time mega promotion!

8:40 am

Ok, folks. We’re down to the final 20 minutes! This weekend’s mega promotion ends at 9am PST.

There are only limited slots available! This is your absolutely last chance to get in on this once in a lifetime opportunity!

Just keep following the instructions provided in my original post.

And good luck!

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9:00 am

Due to incredibly overwhelming demand, this weekend’s once in a lifetime, ultra limited, mega promotion is being extended for another 30 minutes!

That’s right, folks! You still have an incredible chance to be one of the special few people get in on this amazing opportunity before it’s gone gone gone for good!

See original post for promotion details.

And once again, good luck!

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9:30 am

That’s it, folks! Thanks for an excellent promotional run!

We blew away all expectations and are absolutely thrilled by this weekend’s response!

Those of you who participated will be receiving an email with instructions on how to claim your ultra mega super special awesome rewards.

Thanks again! And congratulations!

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10:00 am

Hey, folks! I have a special announcement!

Due to a special arrangement with a few of our sponsors, starting this weekend, running from Sept 6 through 9am PST Sept 8, we will be offering super special ultra mega rewards to anyone who responds to this post.

At the bare minimum, all participants will receive a lifetime supply of air and/or a *swift kick in the butt.

*may be virtual.

Other prizes include gift certificates to your favorite shopping & entertainment establishments, a trip to an exotic location, a new car, and by very special arrangement, knighthood.

Void where prohibited.

Additional details will be provided as the promotion runs this weekend.

Ends September 8, 2014, 9am PST.

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From the comments:

Mike: I’m an eager and willing participant in this super fun event.

Teresa: Where should I collect my swift kick in the butt sir?

Chad: Will the required time travel equipment be provided or must we supply our own?

Zero: Time travel equipment, airfare, accommodations, and air containment are the sole responsibility of the participants.

Chad: I only ask because my flux capacitor has been a little wonky since next week’s promotion.

Zero: Understandable. That promotion has some glitches due to the unexpected apocalypse occurring as a result of a blown fuse in one of our reality stabilizers.

Chad: That was unexpected? Wow. I totally thought you’d planned it. It was my favorite part of the whole experience. (although I really did think that campfire was totally out during the Alexandrian portion of the experience, sorry.)

Zero: Oh, our seers foresaw it, and we made adjustments accordingly. It was the evolved T-Rex with water balloons at the Battle of Waterloo that caught us by surprise.

Chad: I TOLD Andrew he shouldn’t have brought his pet, but noooo….

Zero: Bring your pet T-Rex on a no-pets promotion and cause the apocalypse. That’s why we have rules, Andrew. Rules.

Chad: Good thing he forgot its arm extenders, or we might have actually changed the outcome of the battle.

Zero: Well that’s the thing, Chad. He split the time line. You obviously went one way. Others didn’t. And it went… badly.

Chad: So I heard, I’m glad I’m on the right timeline. I suppose I should log off so I can enjoy some tasty us toast with syrup and bacon.

Andrew: Hey, who reads the fine print anyway? It wasn’t entirely my fault (or his). I mean, who knew we’d end up there right after I described what a Napoleon pastry was to him. He couldn’t help himself, everyone knows T-Rex have an underdeveloped ventral medial prefrontal cortex.

Zero: Yeah, I mean, like, right? Who doesn’t know that? Psssh.

Chad: *sheepishly raises hand* me

Zero: Welp, if we’re being honest, I didn’t know that either. I’m no T-Rex ventral medial prefrontal cortex expert.

Chad: Now that took guts, Zero.

Andrew: Where is self-control in the brain?

“CNN: Researchers are turning to the brain to find out the biological basis for self-control.”

C’mon folks, this is Neuroscience 254! It’s not rocket science.

Chad: Funny thing is, I did know that this spring, but it left my brain soon as I finished the final.

Andrew: What, you lost your ventral medial prefrontal cortex, and no one returned it?

Chad: Yes. Due to a railroad driving spike

You may say I'm a dreamer

you-may-say-im-a-dreamer-zero-dean

Weird thought of the morning:

I wonder how many times Bach, Beethoven, or Mozart wrote brilliant songs in their sleep and then woke up and couldn’t remember them.

*This is why I need a time machine and a dream recorder. To go back in time and steal brilliant musician’s dream music.

They won’t ever miss it, and I’ll be hailed as the spiritual successor to some of the greatest artists who ever lived! Muahahaha!

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RE: You may say I’m a dreamer (John Lennon – Imagine (video))

Time Tide

time-tide-zero-dean

When I finally get my time machine working, don’t forget to remind me to take a Tide Stain Stick back in time with me.

I can think of nothing more impressive than performing stain removing miracles for folks living in primitive times.

All those hippies in the 60’s will worship me like the cell phone wielding, Kool-Aid stain removing deity that I am.

They will bow to my colorfasting greatness!

And then I will invent Post-it notes! And bottled water! And selfies! And MySpace! And Jurassic Park!

Muahahaha!

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Click here for details about my new book.