Plenty of fish

plenty-of-fish-zero-dean

Plenty of fish in the sea, they say.

Well, maybe that was great like a billion+ years ago, but I’m kind of looking for a female land dweller now…

I’d even consider a cute mermaid — even if it meant I had to buy a house boat (and that’s a real long-term investment).

Although I am now wondering what mermaids eat… and if she’d be willing to adopt.

Ok, that’s enough thinking for a Sunday.

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Safety first

safety-first-zero-dean

I see this sign, it says “Safety First” — and I’m like, “Has anyone ever actually done research clearly indicating that ‘Safety First’ is the best policy?”

I mean, doesn’t it kind of matter what you’re doing?

What if “Safety Second” is the best course of action?

I think I’m going to try an experiment…

First —

I’ll be reckless.

THEN —

I’ll be safe.

And if I survive that experiment…

THEN I’ll be safe FIRST.
And THEN I’ll be reckless.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

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Getting a grip

getting-a-grip-zero-dean

Weird thought of the day:

Whenever someone says that they couldn’t get a hold of someone, I picture lots of running, chasing, and grabbing…

“Yeah, those people in customer service were really hard to get a hold of. I chased them all over the store, but they were just so fast! And those that I caught kept squirming out of my arms!”

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Drive it like you stole it

drive-it-like-you-stole-it-zero-dean

Weird thought of the evening:

The problem with the expression “drive it like you stole it” is that if I were to actually steal a car, you can be darn sure I’d be following every rule of the road and trying to maintain as low a profile as possible.

And yet, the expression “drive it like you stole it” implies you’re going to put the pedal the metal and drive around like Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane is in hot pursuit.

And — uh… hmmm.

*That awkward moment you just told everyone how you would drive if you stole a car. Dammit! I gave away my strategy!

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The Organization

the-organization-zero-dean

That awkward moment you notice 24 Hour Fitness has this slogan on some of their advertisements now:

“You bring the will. We’ll bring the rest.”

If ever there was a slogan that made a company sound like an organization for hit men, this is it.

“Got the will? Good. Just lay low for a while, make sure you have an airtight alibi, and we’ll take care of the rest.”

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To be honest with you…

to-be-honest-with-you-zero-dean

To be honest with you, I’m not a fan of the phrase “to be honest with you”, because it kind of implies that if you don’t start your sentences with “to be honest with you”, you’re probably lying.

Oh, just a heads up, I’m dating Hayley Atwell.

But to be honest with you, I didn’t know that was her name until I googled, “that woman from Captain America” just now.

Yup. Hayley Atwell and I. We’re totally dating now.

But to be honest with you… I’m just proving a point. Using the phrase “to be honest” is unnecessary if you’re honest!

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