"Do I whaaaaat?"

do-i-what-zero-dean

Walking out of Target on my way to my car. A woman calls to me from her car…

“Excuse me, sir. Do you work alone?”

I’m thinking, well that’s a weird question, ‘What?’ I reply.

“Do you work alone?”

Again I say, ‘What!?’, because I have no idea how to respond to a complete stranger asking that question.

I mean, is she asking me if I’m self employed? Is she hitting on me? Is she looking for work? Is this some kind of Las Vegas prostitute thing!?

“Do you work alone?”

Ok, clearly I’m not getting it, so I say, ‘Ok, are you saying, “Do I work alone?”‘

“No,” she laughs and looks at me like I’m slow, “Dooo. Yooou. Wearrrr. Cologne?”

Yup. That just happened.

What was she doing? She was giving out free samples of cologne and selling cheap knock offs from her car.

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Originally published on: Apr 9, 2013 @ 13:41

Boss boy

boss-boy-zero-dean

I think the kid ringing me up at Target just now was confused. He kept calling me “Boss”.

“Need a bag, boss?”
“Nah. I’m good. But hey, my credit card hasn’t been swiping lately.”
“Just swipe it fast, boss.”

So anyway, when we were done, I told him he was doing a great job, that if he kept it up, he would go far in this business — and to close up his register & go help Nancy stock shelves in aisle 7.

Like a boss.

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Originally published on: Sep 30, 2013 @ 22:02

Pretty witty

Previously (a few days ago)…

At Frazier Farms (it’s like Sprouts). Cashier is ringing me up.

“Finally. Last time I tried to get into your line, you spilled something while ringing the person in front of me up. I had to hop lines.”

“Oh, that’s not the first time that’s happened. What was it?”

“Some kind of vegetable mix. Soup, maybe?”

“Oh. The worst is fish. And you can’t get the smell out.”

“Well, hey, I don’t know about fish, but if you ever spill pickles, I know how to get rid of the smell!”

“How?”

“You rub a stainless steel spoon on your hands.”

She laughs.

“No, I’m serious! Try it!”

“I will!”

“All right. I’ll ask you about it the next time I come through!”

MOMENTS AGO…

“Hi!”, she says. “How are you?”

“Good! So hey. About that pickles thing…”

“Yeah?”

“I did some research. It’s not just spoons! It’s anything stainless steel. Like, you know, you could wipe your hands all over your sink to get rid of the smell,” I say, making the gesture with my hands.

She laughs, “So… Use the tools at your disposal!”

“Yeah!”, happy she didn’t think I was making it up.

Anyway, since I only had two items, she was already finished ringing me up…

It wasn’t until I was walking out that I realized her wit was so fast and sharp that I totally missed the double meaning in her last statement.

I’m now sitting here in the parking lot writing this… And I have to force myself not to go back in to tell her I (eventually) got her brilliant joke.

So instead, I’m telling you. :)

I GOT HER JOKE!

Read the comments on Facebook

From the comments:

Carl Frank: Something much like that happened to me a few months ago!

Now I have to tell the story.

I was searching for a particular kind of sunglasses for my Halloween costume, and like the last few places I looked, this little clothing/accessories store I was in didn’t have any that were right. The lady in the store asked what my costume was going to be.

“Tyler Durden from Fight Club,” I said. (I know; really timely, huh? Anyway…)

“Well, good luck finding the sunglasses you are looking for, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t find just the right kind.”

“OK, thanks,” I said, as I headed for the door.

Just as the door closed behind me, I got it, and did actually immediately open it again, to tell her so.

(Epilogue: I ended up getting some cheap knock-off replicas of the sunglasses online, btw.)

Themes:

Whiff

If you’re ever curious as whether any of my “encounters” don’t go so well…

This just happened…

At the Vitamin Shoppe. Grab my item and walk to the front.

Cashier lady greets me. Not with a “Hi.” or “How are you?”, but a:

“So. What’s our phone number?”

With a smile, “Whoa! Are we living together already?”

Not a laugh. Not a smile. Nothing.

And then I paid for my item and walked away like a guy who didn’t impress that lady at all.

It happens.

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

RE: Whiff: In fighting games: The act of performing a move that fails to connect with the opponent. (urban dictionary)

Adaptation

In line at Sprouts grabbing dinner.

Cashier who I’ve talked to before greets me.

“So.”, she cocks her head, “Are you still doing your ‘no stove, no fridge’ thing?”

With enthusiasm, “I am!”

“And how’s it going?” she asks cheerfully, “Any revelations?”

“Well, I definitely think I’ll have an edge on people when the Zombie Apocalypse comes.”

She laughs.

And that’s fine.

But I was serious.

O_O

Just gimme my vegetables, lady.

;)

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Related:

Adaptation: a change or the process of change by which an organism or species becomes better suited to its environment.

Two twins

Buy dinner at Sprouts.

Forget something, so have to go back in.

Get back in line with the same cashier.

She rings my item through and I use the opportunity to ask, “Did my twin just come through here?”

She laughs, “Yeah, I think so.”

“Oh good.”

“Wait! Is he the good twin or the evil twin?”

Totally off guard, “Uh, he’s the… good twin!?”

“So you’re the evil twin?”

“I, uh… yes. Fine. I’m the evil twin…” suddenly nervous, “But I don’t know what that means!”

She laughs.

Mission accomplished. With one heck of an assist.

Score one for the evil twin! WOOT!

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

A positive distraction

a-positive-distraction-zero-dean

In line at the red dot and circle shop.

I get to the cashier. She’s visibly frustrated.

Only 1 register is open and there is a line building up behind me.

She shouts to some unseen person across the floor, “Why am I the only one open!?”

I answer with a calm confidence, but loud enough for others to hear, “Because you’re awesome.” I smile, “You got this.”

She smiles back and says, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

She continued to wear that smile as I walked out of the store.

But also just a slightly brighter shade of red.

It happens.

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Related:

The King of San Marcos

San Marcos, CA.

Sitting in my car.
Waiting for my laundry to finish.

It’s 90+°F out.
Hot.

Man walks into Taco shop directly next to the laundromat.
Walks out with an old-school bottle of ice-cold Coca-Cola imported from Mexico.

Angels are singing as this happens.

He gets in his car next to mine.
Opens the coke.

Sweat drips down the bottle like it does in the commercials.

He brings it to his lips.
Drinks.

You can tell how refreshing it is by how loudly the angels are singing.

And also, because it looks refreshing.

And then, “Aaah.”

He puts the coke in the cup holder on his dash, turns on his radio, and then unwraps his burrito.

“We will, we will, rock you!” starts emanating from his speakers.

He eats his burrito.
He drinks his coke

And it is a spectacle to behold.

And all I can think is, “Damn. Coke should hire this guy to drive around and do this all day. Every day.”

Because I’ve never seen a commercial brought to life so authentically as this.

And I’ve never desired an ice cold, refreshing Coca-Cola like I’ve desired one today.

And I don’t even drink soda.

Read the comments on Facebook

Ball girl

I just lost a game of chicken to a little girl holding a big purple ball in the aisles of Target.

Not because I’m nice.

But because she was wearing one of those “Oh, hell naw. You don’t come into ma house an make me an my big purple ball move. Nuh uh.” looks on her face.

Seriously. You ever hear of a little thing called the running of the bulls?

It was like that. Except she was all the bulls. And she just walked along while holding a big purple ball.

I got out of her way and she just kept walking. Didn’t even turn around.

Little bad ass.

I’m pretty sure they’re just going to let her walk right out of the store with that ball.

Read the comments on Facebook

Click here for details about my new book.