Nerds!

nerds-zero-dean

That awkward moment while in the course of texting a potential online date you send her a link to a Wikipedia article.

And she texts you back with, “Did you really just text me a link to Wikipedia?”

I said yes…

…and never heard from her again.

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Themes:

From the comments:

Carissa: so, this begs the question: what was the article about?

Zero: I did this m/ and she asked what that was. Tried to explain. Failed. Resorted to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sign_of_the_horns

David: She doesn’t know that? How old was she, were you going to take out for psketti? Good thing you didn’t break out the double horns m/-_-m/ or you’d have some real explaining to do!

You know, the world is ending tomorrow…

So on the eve of the Apocalypse, a girl just expressed interest in me on Match, so I wrote her this letter…

Either I am a comedic genius or an offensive ignoramus — and sometimes you just don’t know where the line is until you cross it.

But hey — when you get me, you get ME. Social blunders and all.

But seriously — I DO love women with a sense of humor…

your-place-or-mine

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Gender and context

gender-and-context-zero-dean

Match.com first contact email from a woman in Denver, CO:

“I like your profile and photos. Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”

This is the ENTIRE email, by the way.

Now, just for a moment, picture a guy writing this exact same message to a woman he’s never communicated with who lives 1,000 miles away.

“I like your profile and photos. Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”

Kinda goes from nice to — crreeeeeeeeeeepppppyyyyy.

“Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”
“Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”
“MAYBE I WILL COME TO VISIT YOU IN THE FUTURE.”

“MUAHAHAHA!”

*coff* Um, yeah.

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Themes:

The language of love

the-language-of-love-zero-dean

That awkward moment in online dating when you write to me in Spanish and assume it doesn’t matter.

Just kidding.

If you’re cute, of course it doesn’t matter! I am fluent in the language of loooooooove!

But seriously, just kidding. — It is important that you speak English so you can laugh at all my jokes.

Also, keep in mind, if you have an accent (which I don’t mind at all — in fact, it’s kind of attractive), I have this habit of adopting the accent of whoever I’m talking to.

It just happens.

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Themes:

A love for laughter

a-love-for-laughter-zero-dean

Confession of the day:

Whenever I read “I love to laugh” in online dating profiles, I switch it to “I love orgasms” in my head. Because hey, so does everyone else in the world! — And yet this simple switch feels fresher & more original. And it definitely beats out “I love breathing” in the “Things I like to do” category.

Life pro tip: “I love to have fun” is another great way to set yourself apart from the competition in the online dating universe.

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Themes:

Virtually shouting

I’m no longer a subscribing member of Chemistry.com, but I still receive their “Chemistry match” notifications.

The subjects of these emails always make me chuckle a little because I read them in a sort of commanding voice:

“This is Peggy, meet her now!”

I mean, what if “now” isn’t really a good time for me? You just want me to drop everything to arrange a “meeting” with this person that I don’t even know?

Uh, ok. Sure. Let me get right on that.

Not to mention, that exclamation point just makes it weird.

I mean, can you imagine how awkward it would be if you were introduced to someone in this fashion?

Say one of your coworkers walks over and shouts:

“This is Bill, meet him now!”

I mean, how could you not help but feel a little intimidated.

Of course you would meet Bill right now, because to do anything else while Bill is standing there right in front of you would just be weird. Especially when your coworker has just demanded it.

But when it comes to “meeting” people online, I find there’s a huge disconnect between cyberspace and reality.

Still, I do think I have a new (failed) pick-up line for the gym:

“I am Zero, meet me now!”

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