Terrible fun

terrible-fun-zero-dean

New Kickstarter project idea:

Find the segment of the population — who are online dating — that don’t actually like to have fun, like to laugh, or like dogs.

These fine citizens could probably shed a lot of light on the dark side of the human condition.

I think it would be fascinating.

“So, Bob. You don’t like laughing, having fun, or dogs?”
“No, sir. Can’t stand ’em.”

“Have you ever had fun, Bob?”
“Yes. I had fun once. It was awful.”

“You wouldn’t by any chance happen to like drama, would you, Bob?”
“Looove drama. Can’t get enough of it, really.”

Stretch goal:

Get the FBI involved, because these people are probably hiding something.

But also because they’d love the drama.

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Running away together

running-away-together-zero-dean

I think it’s important if you ever say to someone, “Let’s run away, together!”, to outline a plan in which both of you go in the same direction towards an agreed upon destination.

Because, seriously, if everyone just starts running willy-nilly, someone is bound to get left behind…

I mean, I run pretty fast.

And if you don’t know where I’m going, what are the odds you’re going to end up in
the same place at the same time?

Whoa. That awkward moment you realize that when people put, “Looking for someone who can keep up with me.” in their online dating profiles, that’s what they mean. O_O

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Eye catching!

eye-catching-zero-dean

That awkward moment match.com sends you an email stating “you caught someone’s eye!” and your first thought is, “An eye? That’s disgusting! Throw it back! Gross.”

I want more than a stupid eye, match.com!

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"Must love dogs"

must-love-dogs-zero-dean

That awkward moment in online dating where it really seems like women have an exceptionally difficult time finding men who love dogs.

Seriously.

Every other profile. “Must love dogs.”

It is said so often you would think it’s an extremely rare quality in men. I mean above all others.

Nowhere else are women so consistent with insisting that their potential date love something or have a particular quality.

It isn’t, “Must have integrity.” It’s, “Must love dogs.”

“Oh my god! I am having such a difficult time finding a man that actually loves dogs!” — said no one. Ever.

Enough with “Must love dogs” already.

“Must love MY dog”, I can understand. You want them to love your dog as much as you do. I get it. They can be an assclown, but they must love *your* dog. Uh huh.

But seriously, what decent human being doesn’t love dogs?

OK, maybe some people are allergic to dogs, have had a bad experience with dogs, or just don’t like the little ones, or something, but still — who can’t see the value or joy in having dogs?

Seriously.

How about these alternatives:

  • Must be kind.
  • Must have integrity.
  • Must treat others respectfully.

Saying these things says a lot more about you than “Must love dogs”.

And please don’t get me started on drama and your whole lack of wanting any of it.

No one likes drama!

And the list of things you hate? Unnecessary!

I repeat, no one likes drama!

And no one likes traffic!
And no one likes mean people!

Just mentioning a bunch of things you hate makes you sound like someone to avoid, not someone to love.

No one wants to hang out with the person who is always complaining about things.

You want to attract a good man with whom you have things in common? Talk about what you love.

And don’t pull the “I only wrote 200 characters because I don’t like talking about myself and would rather talk in person… And no one reads profiles anyway, they only look at pictures” crap.

Because it isn’t true.

And stop posting weirdly angled selfies that are just an excuse to show your cleavage. Show some personality instead. Take a chance.

If you love dogs, say so. If you love co-ed naked underwater basket weaving, say so.

But if you love to laugh, well, you might as well be saying that you love to breathe.

Everyone loves to laugh.

So yeah.

And one last thing, if you’re having trouble finding good guys, it might be because your height requirement is set to 6’1″ and you insist they live within 5 miles of you and make $100k or more per year.

Think about it.

PS. If your online dating site provides you with the opportunity to post 20 or more photos of yourself (ie. selfies), I would strongly encourage you not to. It’s a trap.

It doesn’t take us guys 20+ photos for us to figure out what you look like.

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Cats in common

I like the part in online dating where you get to pick from a variety of likes and interests for your profile, and then the site in question likes to highlight all the things you have in common with another person.

I especially like when the site decides that having only a single thing in common is enough.

“We see you like cats. Beth likes cats, too. Why don’t you write to Beth about cats and see if it’s a match made in heaven.”

Sure.

“Hi Beth. I couldn’t help but notice that you like cats. Well, it’s funny. I like cats, too! In fact, I think they’re delicious!

I couldn’t help but notice that you don’t like dogs though. Well, you haven’t tried my dog muffins!

How about a dinner date?

Does my place work for you?”

Yeah. I hope the love of my life and I have more than an appreciation for just cats in common.

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From the comments:

Jenna: Shared this video.

Michelle: It’s definitely not enough to know that you both like cats. What a disaster the dinner date would be if one of you liked them with Sriracha, and the other, not!

Zero: What!? Someone doesn’t like Sriracha!? Nooooo. That’s just crazy.

Australia

australia-zero-dean

Life pro tip:

When corresponding with your potential match and, in the course of the conversation, she asks:

“If you could wake up anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would it be?”

“In bed next to you.” is probably not as romantic as you first think it is.

Fortunately, there’s Australia.

Although, “In bed next to you in Australia.” probably won’t get you very far either.

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Here are some more online dating tips (video):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_XKWjQzNqA

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First impressionists

first-impressionists-zero-dean

How come when I type things on my phon an post to facbook there no typos or Autocorrects?

But any time I careful lee write to a potential match on online dating sight, my phone always sabotages me look stupid?

Oh.

So you’re saying I just type like this all the time and simply don’t notice.

Well that’s embarrassippi.

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