Now with 25% more!

now-with-25-percent-more-zero-dean

I will soon be 25% more mysterious than I am now.

Muahahaha!

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Zeddy™ Nominated

Andrew Shelden:

“My geeky math:

Margie says 25% more mysterious -> 100% + 25% = 125% (or 25% more interesting)

I say 25% more mysterious means only 75% as “revealing” -> 100%/75%=133% or 33% more interesting.

You see how I did that? Impress your friends with stupid math tricks.”

Chris Wisor:

Your math just locked up my brain! Can you reduce that to Zero’s and One’s so I can understand?

Andrew Shelden:

Margi says: 1100100 + 11001 =1111101
Andrew says : 1100100/1001011 = 10000101

Chris Wisor:

AWESOME!!!!!! He used REAL binary. Andrew today, YOU are the MAN!

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And I quote

and-i-quote-zero-dean

“That awkward moment you realize that almost Anything in quotes followed by a dash with a name after it automatically makes the person who said it seem smarter.” — Zero Dean

Muahahaha!

Muahahaha!

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My novel idea for a novel

my-novel-idea-for-a-novel-zero-dean

It’s official! I have the means to write a novel. On my phone! It’s called “predictive text”.

Here’s a sample:

“Once upon a time when you have any problems with your friends and colleagues, you can get a free Gmail address so you don’t have to be a little bit more than a few days ago.

I have a great way to get your hands on the Internet and the best way for you to be in touch with the latest version of the best of luck.

What the most important thing is to provide the following information to help you find out how much money you owe me. Just let me know if you
are looking for a new job and I will be able to make sure that your order is processed.”

Ok, so it has a couple kinks, but I’ll get an editor! Muahahaha!

Chapter 2…

*This was actual unaltered predictive text.

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Adverse possession

adverse-possession-zero-dean

So I don’t own any property, but I just had a genius idea…

One day I am going to go for a really long walk in the woods. Like all day! And I’m going to bring a flag with me.

And when I find a nice spot, maybe by some water, and only after I really haven’t seen anyone for a while (or else this won’t work), I’m going to like totally stick my flag in the ground and claim it.

Hey, people used to do this (and get away with it). No sense in not trying!

Adverse possession.

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Wanted: A good man

wanted-a-good-man-zero-dean

Wanted: A good man.

seeking a Handsome, kind, authentically chivalrous, semi-intelligent, healthy & fit man with a good sense of humor…

And once I find him, I will use him as bait to catch a good woman.

Flawless plan for the win!

Muahahaha!

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Behold my mutant powers!

Walk up to cafe counter…

“What can I get you?”
How about a coffee?
“What size?”

*I smile* How about any size that comes in a mug!?
“Here you go!” *she hands me a mug and I go to hand her my credit card*

“You’re fine. Don’t worry about it.”

*I pause briefly before deciding it is probably in my best interest to act naturally — so I smile, say “Thank you!” —

— and walk away determined that the only logical explanation is that I am an X-man with an unknown super power — a power which I am now determined to master.

MUAHAHAHA!

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Gender and context

gender-and-context-zero-dean

Match.com first contact email from a woman in Denver, CO:

“I like your profile and photos. Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”

This is the ENTIRE email, by the way.

Now, just for a moment, picture a guy writing this exact same message to a woman he’s never communicated with who lives 1,000 miles away.

“I like your profile and photos. Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”

Kinda goes from nice to — crreeeeeeeeeeepppppyyyyy.

“Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”
“Maybe I will come to visit you in the future.”
“MAYBE I WILL COME TO VISIT YOU IN THE FUTURE.”

“MUAHAHAHA!”

*coff* Um, yeah.

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Adventures in Food Poisoning

Adventures in Food Poisoning:
Observations from being bedridden for two days due to *food poisoning:

*May not have been food poisoning. Maybe it was a virus. Maybe it was an allergic reaction to sarcasm. Maybe I was suffering from Honey Bee Colony Collapse Disorder. Maybe I had a serious shortage of cow bell.

In any case, the symptoms were similar enough to food poisoning and a lot easier to write than this clarification that I just didn’t see the point in stating anything *other than food poisoning in my facebook posts on the subject. *This clarification being the exception.

Which posts? These posts:

Observations from being bedridden for two days due to *food poisoning:

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They see me rollin', they hatin'…

they-see-me-rollin-they-hatin-zero-dean

That awkward moment when you’re parking and you accidentally drive up onto the curb…

So if you’re me, you make a loud manly growling noise so that anyone within range thinks you did it on purpose (this makes sense to my primitive man brain).

Only you didn’t realize the Indian lady in the minivan next to you had her windows down. And judging by the look on her face — and the position of her jaw — your unexpected guttural sounds just scared the crap out of her (possibly literally).

And you can’t think of anything to say, so you just look over and wave in a friendly fashion.

But she doesn’t even crack a smile. She is not amused by my shenanigans.

So now I must take my shenanigans somewhere else!

Muahahaha! :)

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It's Edison and Tesla all over again

That awkward moment you discover you are psychic (Woohoo!) or this London-based app developer reads your blog (Woohoo!).

Tomorrow, October 3, RjDj is releasing their version of this app I describe in my blog post on September 10.

Good luck you guys! Hope you sell a bazillion copies! :)

car-sounds-app-means-i-must-be-psychic

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Follow-up:

So it’s come to my attention that there’s this terrible movie starring Vince Vaughn and Kevin James called “The Dilemma” in which one of the subplots involves building electric-car engines that sound like muscle-car classics.

I never saw the movie — and based on the reviews, I would suggest you don’t either — but it sounds like this subplot has a similar concept. So yeah, this auto audio enhancements idea has been out there for years.

Time to get in the time machine and fix all that — as well as “fix” who invented this brilliant mini pillow-ring concept.

Time travel for the win! Muahahaha!

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