One more thing

one-more-thing-zero-dean

In cafe. a Group of retirees sitting at a table next to mine. a Small child & Mom walk by and get the attention of the group. They all chitchat for minute. The child is a burst of sunshine.

Then they all say good-bye…

As the child is walking away, he turns and says:

“Wait! There’s one more thing I want to say to you!”

“What is that?”

“There’s a Sponge Bob shirt.”

And then he walked away like a kid who just shared the answer to life.

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Originally published on: Mar 19, 2011 @ 09:47

Seven, Eight, Ten

seven-eight-ten-zero-dean

That awkward moment you overhear a heavily accented conversation in the men’s locker room and it includes the statement:

“I had like 4 roommates, but I ate them.”

And no one bats an eye.

*shrugs*

I guess I heard that wrong…

Unless I didn’t. O_O

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*Why “seven, eight, ten”? Because 7 ate 9. That’s why.

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Originally published on: Feb 5, 2014 @ 10:13

Good with computers

good-with-computers-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re approached by a woman who says, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you look like you’re good with computers…”

Because yeah, I am good with computers — but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to give off the kind of vibe that when a woman looks at me she thinks, “That guy right there! That guy looks really good with computers.”

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Originally published on: May 23, 2012 @ 13:32

"Do I whaaaaat?"

do-i-what-zero-dean

Walking out of Target on my way to my car. A woman calls to me from her car…

“Excuse me, sir. Do you work alone?”

I’m thinking, well that’s a weird question, ‘What?’ I reply.

“Do you work alone?”

Again I say, ‘What!?’, because I have no idea how to respond to a complete stranger asking that question.

I mean, is she asking me if I’m self employed? Is she hitting on me? Is she looking for work? Is this some kind of Las Vegas prostitute thing!?

“Do you work alone?”

Ok, clearly I’m not getting it, so I say, ‘Ok, are you saying, “Do I work alone?”‘

“No,” she laughs and looks at me like I’m slow, “Dooo. Yooou. Wearrrr. Cologne?”

Yup. That just happened.

What was she doing? She was giving out free samples of cologne and selling cheap knock offs from her car.

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Originally published on: Apr 9, 2013 @ 13:41

Faux alarm

faux-alarm-zero-dean

That awkward moment when you think you see someone you don’t want to see —

but it only turns out to be their doppelganger.

And then you feel a weird sense of disappointment because you went through the whole awkward emergency emotional response —

for nothing. O_o

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Originally published on: Dec 22, 2013 @ 14:09

Reverse psychology

reverse-psychology-zero-dean

So… a girl walks into the cafe I’m in.

But she doesn’t just “walk” in. She makes a performance out of it, passing by me several times. Why? I don’t know.

She then sits 3 empty seats away from me at the opposite end of the “bar”, against the wall, but facing my direction.

And then proceeds to act *completely* disinterested…

So she’s interested, right?

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Originally published on: Dec 21, 2011 @ 10:25

Ink and paper

ink-and-paper-zero-dean

Walk up to cafe counter.

Without saying a word, the manager puts a coffee cup down for me. I hand him my card and he rings me up.

This level of efficiency is astounding — and I don’t want to mess this up.

“Need the paperwork?” he asks.

I smile, “Nope. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this transaction.”

And then I walked away like the ghost of Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch would would be proud.

*Miss you Mitch.

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RE: Mitch Hedberg (video)

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Originally published on: Oct 12, 2013 @ 14:40

Like literally

like-literally-zero-dean

That awkward moment you are, like, literally, like, sitting in a cafe near a girl who is, like, literally, like talking to her friend and, like, literally, like, using the words literally and like, like, literally every few words.

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Originally published on: Nov 11, 2014 @ 16:33

The weatherman

Before my Mexican friend, Juan (also the facilities supervisor at my gym), switched to working nights last month, he used to give me unsolicited weather reports.

For example, on Friday he would tell me with enthusiasm, “It’s going to rain next Thursday!”

And he was usually right.

Juan’s weather reports almost exclusively involved the prediction of rain because that’s the only significant weather event in Southern California.

I always found it kind of funny and charming because I never asked for the weather. He’d just tell me.

Well, it rained this morning, but Juan wasn’t around last week to prognosticate the event. And it caught me somewhat by surprise.

Not the rain, but the fact Juan hadn’t been in my life to predict it. I missed it.

Well, besides nights, Juan also works Sunday mornings.

So when I saw him this morning in the men’s locker room, I greeted him with, “I miss your weather reports!”

The statement seemed to catch him by surprise and he started to laugh.

So I said, “It’s good to see you. How are you this morning?”

“Good,” he says, but continues to laugh, “Oh, Zero. You laughing me.”

Which makes me laugh. Not at the grammar mistake, but at the accuracy of the language and the humor of the situation.

Life is funny.

You laughing me, too, Juan. You laughing me, too.

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