Why I need a time machine

I’m in a cafe. Sitting at a table with my laptop. An East Indian man in a suit walks up…

“Excuse me, sir — is the Internet down?”

What I wanted to say:

“Oh, no, my dear fellow. I don’t know what they’ve told you, but the Internet is UP and DOWN and all around you. The Internet is — everrrrrrrywherrrrrre!”

What I actually said:

“I’m not sure. I read the sign on the door, so I didn’t even try. I’m using my phone.”

I know — that’s not half as exciting and I wish I’d said what I was thinking!

THIS is why I NEED a time machine! Well, this and DINOSAURS!

Oh, and that time I spilled coffee on my laptop.

PS. They have a separate notice for their unvalued customers…

It simply says: No WIFI for you!

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Looking for a few good nerds.

looking-for-a-few-good-nerds-zero-dean

Looking for a few good nerds.

Know Unix? I could use you for when the dinosaurs come.

Alien OS exploit specialist? Let’s express our independence.

Pint-size humanoid with hairy feet? You’re in my fellowship.

Blue-collar deep-core drillers? Come on, you don’t want to miss a thing.

Geologists specializing in the Earth’s electromagnetic field? You can become part of my core team.

Psychics and clairvoyants? You know my number.

Let’s do this.

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BFF

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When I have a family, I’m going to teach my kids to always be nice to birds. And that when they grow up and have children of their own, they should teach their kids the same thing.

That way when dinosaurs finally make a comeback, they’ll have learned to trust our family like friends.

Because seriously, I wouldn’t put it past any animal that ruled the Earth for 165 million years — and still has ancestors around — from making a comeback.

It’s not a question of “if”, so much as a question of “when”. And so when it happens, we (and by we, I mean my family) will be ready.

The Zero Dean family : BFF! (Bird Friends Forever)

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DRP

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See, if I had the resources to get my Dinosaur Resurrection Project (DRP) off the ground, I would totally celebrate my birthday by giving you all dinosaurs of your own.

Who wouldn’t want a cute little T-Rex or Pterosaur?

Don’t worry. We’d genetically modify them to be perfectly safe.

It wouldn’t be like in that movie — whatever it’s called. No. Not like that.

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Yet another reason why I need a time machine

yet-another-reason-why-i-need-a-time-machine-zero-dean

They should invent a time machine for people who have trouble taking their pills on time.

Taking antibiotics every 8 hours since my root canals last week has proven to be…

Well, let’s just say I need a time machine.

And also for dinosaurs.

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Oh Marilyn

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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

Ok. On that note, I’m going to be a total assclown for the rest of the day.

(And if you can handle that, I’ll know you are worthy of better treatment. Hey, that’s what this quote is saying).

But seriously, this Marilyn Monroe quote needs to fed to an angry velociraptor.

So what I’m really saying is, please help me bring back the dinosaurs.

And some people don’t “get” me?

What’s not to get? O_o

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Re: *Assclown: One, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society’s collective underwear.

Via Urban Dictionary.

You’re welcome.

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If you would like to know the nature of this post…

Sitting in cafe.
Cell phone rings.

I answer.

“Hello?”
“Hello. I have a call for you. Please hold while I connect you.”

It’s a robot.
Music plays.

15 seconds later…

“Our representatives are temporarily busy. Please continue to hold briefly.”

15 seconds later…

“We apologize for the delay. You will be connected in just a moment. Please continue to hold.”

15 seconds later…

“Thank you for your patience. Your call in now next in line. We will connect you in just a moment.”

15 seconds later…

“We’re sorry we weren’t able to speak with you. We are experiencing high call volumes.

If you would like to continue to hold, please press 1.
If you would like us to try you later, please press 2.
If you would like to know the nature of this call, please press 3 now.”

@#$*%%#@#%!!!!!

O_O

Ok.

Dear phone robots,

1. Maybe you wouldn’t be experiencing “high call volumes” if you dialed back the number of people you decided to call about matters that you intentionally keep a mystery.

2. Maybe it’s not a good idea to call people only to put them on hold… and then tell them the wait will be brief… and then tell them they are next in line… to finally tell them you are unable to speak with them.

This makes NO sense unless you are deliberately programmed to be a tease. In which case, you are in the wrong industry.

3. Maybe, rather than keep the nature of your call a secret until the very end, you should simply TELL people what the nature of the call is BEFORE you make them waste their time waiting for you to finally decide you are unable to talk to the person you called.

And this is one of the reasons why I want to bring back the dinosaurs.

To wage war on the phone robots.

But I digress…

*Turns out, it wasn’t even for me. It was for some dude who is not me…

*pressed 3*

“Hello, this is an important call for… Ronald Fray.

If you are… Ronald Fray, please press 1.
If not, then please have… Ronald Fray call us at ### regarding a personal business matter.
If we have the wrong number, please press 2.
To hear this message again, press the star key.”

Oh hell, it was so much fun the first time, let’s hear it again.

I personally believe this is one of the ways that robots are deliberately testing us and probing for weaknesses.

Who’s to say what genius ideas I could have had during that minute+ of wasted time?

And just think, if they called 1 million people and wasted 1 minute of their time, that is nearly *2 years* of human existence wasted.

We need dinosaurs now more than ever.

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Not ready

Sometimes I write things in this little text box, then pause and think, “they’re not ready for this.”

So I don’t post it.

And, you know, if I can be open with you for a moment, I have to admit it’s kind of inconvenient at times.

I mean, I go through all the effort to type something out for you only to discover you folks aren’t even ready for it.

O_O

What I’m trying to say is that you should probably say something about not being ready for me to post what I’m thinking about posting before I start typing.

Because, see, it would save me the time of typing it.

And this is why I need a time machine.

But also because I think we should bring back the dinosaurs.

But I don’t think you’re ready for that.

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Imagination Monday

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Remember kids, it’s only Monday if you don’t use the power of your imagination to pretend it’s Tuesday.

Personally, I like to pretend it’s a nice Tuesday 65 million years ago.

Where the weather is beautiful.

And I’m riding a Triceratops while being chased by a T-Rex as a volcano erupts in the distance.

But, you know, use your imagination.

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Marsupials, baby!

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I always find it a little sad that every time I go into a public restroom that has one of those koala baby changing stations, there are never any baby koalas available.

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marsupial-trading-co-zero-dean

4:36 PM

Dear Internet –

Is there an underground marsupial trading business that I don’t know about and how would I get in touch?

Asking for a friend.

Also, live dinosaurs.

Again, asking for a friend.

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