Wanted: A good man

wanted-a-good-man-zero-dean

Wanted: A good man.

seeking a Handsome, kind, authentically chivalrous, semi-intelligent, healthy & fit man with a good sense of humor…

And once I find him, I will use him as bait to catch a good woman.

Flawless plan for the win!

Muahahaha!

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Looking for a few good nerds.

looking-for-a-few-good-nerds-zero-dean

Looking for a few good nerds.

Know Unix? I could use you for when the dinosaurs come.

Alien OS exploit specialist? Let’s express our independence.

Pint-size humanoid with hairy feet? You’re in my fellowship.

Blue-collar deep-core drillers? Come on, you don’t want to miss a thing.

Geologists specializing in the Earth’s electromagnetic field? You can become part of my core team.

Psychics and clairvoyants? You know my number.

Let’s do this.

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Wanted: A complimentary group of individuals

Wanted:

A complimentary group of select individuals willing to agree with everything I say and back me up in all situations.

And by complimentary, I mean *both* usages of the word.

1. given or supplied free of charge.
2. expressing a compliment; praising or approving.

So you should be free and you should say nice things to me.

Being able to provide access to an air conditioned guest house on beach front property is a plus. Also, a driver. A sporty sedan is preferable. Will consider a dune buggy. And a plane (pilot included).

Please, no helicopters or hot air balloons.

Willing to share space with select non-venomous reptiles.

Additional information provided upon request.

Sometimes you just gotta put it out there for the universe. Because, ya never know, you know?

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*Complimentary

Wanted: 7 billion people

wanted-7-billion-people-zero-dean

Wanted:

7 billion people to test running in the same direction at the same time for my upcoming “Speed Up the Earth / Time Machine” Project.

Does this Tuesday at 1PM work for you?

You’ll have to sign a waiver.

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Q&A from the comments:

Q: Can you email the waiver to me?
A: No. I’m currently having 7 billion copies printed at Kinkos.

Q: What time zone?
A: Everyone just starts running at 1PM.

Q: Can I bring my dog?
A: No pets allowed. They might throw off the results of this experiment.

Q: Where?
A: Everywhere. If you don’t know which way to run, just follow someone else.

Q: Why not just create online waiver? Then you’ve on save on printing billions of waivers & postage. Besides, you know how slow snail mail can be. I might not get my waiver in time.
A: No, no, no. I’ve had over 60 waivers printed so far. I can’t stop now. That would just be wasteful.

Q: If this is like the Superman thing and we all run west, what happens then? If we all then travel backwards in time, won’t that negate the time reverse aspect, and it won’t happen? Do we all just get stuck in place?
A: If my calculations are correct and it works, no proof of this experiment being successfully completed will ever exist.

Related:

ETS

Wanted:

Highly intelligent people with diverse backgrounds to become part of a special ETS Team.

ETS Personnel will be responsible for explaining the inner mechanisms that allow certain seemingly nonsensical things on the Internet, in the media, politics, and in daily life, to actually “work”.

Please submit a document highlighting your area(s) of expertise along with at least one attempt to explain a seemingly nonsensical phenomenon.

Submit your entry by the end of the day and you automatically become eligible to win a limited edition “Explain This Shit” T-shirt.

Good luck to all!

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From the comments:

Chuck: I frequently am approached by people, all asking the same question: “Have you seen this shit?” After a careful analysis, I offer them a succinct assessment, such as, “That’s bullshit,” “Well, shit happens,” “Yeah, it’s good shit,” or “How do you like that shit?”

Carl: It usually comes down to reversing the polarity on the main deflector dish, and routing a stream of tachyons through it by way of the dilithium crystal.

That, or a buttered cat array.

Pam: Well I would love the opportunity to join the team, but I just had surgery and I’m not supposed to make any important decisions!! :D (giggles)

RE: Explain this shit (we know memes)

For sale: Time machine

for-sale-time-machine-zero-dean

FOR SALE: Time machine

Needs some work.

Please note, option to travel backwards in time is not an option with this particular model, but forward time travel is possible!

What’s wrong with it: A tiny malfunction in the system’s circuits is causing users to only travel forward in time at a speed relative to their perception.

I’m convinced this can be fixed (on the cheap), but I don’t have the tools or knowhow necessary to do it myself.

If you think you can fix it, I’m willing to let this go for the low price of $10,000.

Will consider best offer or trades. Let’s talk!

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From the comments:

Darren: I want my money back. I bought this from you 3 years ago and fixed the reverse time travel. Now, it won’t go forwards in time relative to my perception. It’s broken. I have returned for my money, as you are incarcerated in the near future for false advertising and selling a time machine without a proper license. I accept PayPal.

Zero: I gave you your money back tomorrow. 

Darren: Right… hence the reason why I am returning this machine. BTW, sell off all your shares in Apple on March 13th, 2017

Dave: I time travel for free now. I fall into a deep, horizontally situated pseudo coma and when I come out, I’m some 6-8 hours into the future.

Zero: Any way you can let me know how you do that? Free, you say?

Wanted: Portal to another dimension

wanted-portal-to-another-dimension-zero-dean

Wanted: Portal to another dimension

Will consider any portals capable of travel to other dimensions, alternate universes, interstellar space, or past/future timelines. Destination must be capable of supporting human life comfortably (no breathing apparatus or detox suits required, for example).

Will also consider wormholes, but transportation to wormhole must be provided for — within a reasonable timeframe — and the destination explicitly stated.

Specifically seeking dragon inhabited dimensions — or dimensions with dragon potential (you know what I mean). Dinosaurs are an acceptable substitute. Magic is desired.

If you have such a portal available, please provide as many details about it as possible.

Please note: NO GATEWAYS TO HELL or Hell-like dimensions. My last visit went badly.

Thank you.

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Click here for details about my new book.