Honking

honking-zero-dean

Has it been established that when you honk at someone for doing something annoying, the longer you honk, the more you’re expressing – to that person and everyone within earshot – how much they annoy you?

Just checking…

Because people who honk for an excessively, long time annoy me, but I know how to show it.

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*Special nod to Mitch “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” Hedberg

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Las Vegas traffic

las-vegas-traffic-zero-dean

The best mechanism I’ve found to cope with Las Vegas traffic is to assume:

10% of drivers never took driver’s ed.
10% of drivers are txting or browsing the internet while driving.
10% of drivers are very intoxicated.
10% of drivers are in the midst of some kind of emergency.
10% of drivers are blindfolded and being directed by a passenger.

And 5% of the time there will be something completely unexpected in the roadway in front of you — like a ladder, scuba gear, or a life-sized plastic kangaroo.

If you assume these things, it becomes almost a game to spot which is which — while also trying to survive the roadway.

Just sayin’.

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Baseball

baseball-zero-dean

I wonder if the people who pull up severely short at stop lights are the same people who — when they’re playing baseball — run around the bases and then stop before they get to home plate?

What? You say no one does that in baseball?

That’s correct.

Because that’s not how you play the game.

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The correlation between writing and driving…

It struck me while driving to the gym this morning that there might just be a correlation between people who don’t abide by the rules of the road and those who don’t abide by the rules of writing.

I mean, maybe the same people who don’t like punctuation are the same people who don’t like using their directional signals?

Maybe the people you find making up their own writing rules are the same people who ignore 5 miles of “construction ahead: merge now” signs, only to merge when their wheels hit traffic cones…

An den u jus got da fooks who be all writin lik dis an shit an day be on da side da road be waitin on dat roadside assistance.

;)

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By all means, break the rules if you have a solid understanding of why they exist and your “exception” overrules a rule in a very deliberate fashion.

Otherwise, it’s like starting a board game that you’ve never played before — with a bunch of people who have — and you just start making shit up. They will be like, WTF?

I’d also like to point out — while I’m at it — that I’m no poster child for proper grammar. I break the. Time. All the rules!

In fact; I still don’t know how to properly use a semicolon.

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Heightened auditory expectations

5 minutes ago…

Came to an abrupt stop — while driving — to let a man cross the street.

He looked over at me and laughed.

I wasn’t sure why at first.

Then I realized my sunroof was open…

Annnnd I had just made my own *tires-screeching-on-asphalt* sound FX.

“Scccrreeeach!”

That’s right. When reality fails to meet my heightened auditory expectations due to movies, TV, and video games, I make my own sound FX.

Please, somebody tell me you do that, too. :)

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I took a cab…

Saw a cab idling in the parking lot. Since everyone says you’re supposed to take a cab on New Year’s Eve, I decided what the heck, you know?

That it might be a neat experience.

But I’ve been driving this thing around for like 20 minutes…

And it was kind of fun at first, and lots of people were waving at me, so I waved back as I drove by…

But then they started swearing and stuff. So I pulled over to see what was up and then a bunch of people got in.

And that was too much for me, so I got out and walked back to my car.

*While I didn’t really take a cab tonight, if you drink tonight, be safe and don’t drive. Call a cab. Please. :)

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Born for business

born-for-business-zero-dean

I just realized while sitting in my car with the engine running that sitting in my car with the engine running probably costs me about $5 an hour.

So now I’m sitting in my car with the engine running trying to figure out a viable business plan where I can charge people $10 an hour to sit in my car with the engine running…

Yeah! I was born for business, baby!

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Car talk

car-talk-zero-dean

I just realized that the following 2 words probably account for more than 80% of my spoken dialogue while driving alone:

  • Dude!
  • Seriously!?

It is amazing how versatile these words are while driving.

Upon further consideration, I believe the following words fill out my “driving while alone” category:

  • Go!
  • Thaaaaank yooooou!
  • Da fuq!?
  • Oh, nice.

Yup. I think that juuuuuust about does it.

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