One more thing

one-more-thing-zero-dean

In cafe. a Group of retirees sitting at a table next to mine. a Small child & Mom walk by and get the attention of the group. They all chitchat for minute. The child is a burst of sunshine.

Then they all say good-bye…

As the child is walking away, he turns and says:

“Wait! There’s one more thing I want to say to you!”

“What is that?”

“There’s a Sponge Bob shirt.”

And then he walked away like a kid who just shared the answer to life.

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Originally published on: Mar 19, 2011 @ 09:47

Good with computers

good-with-computers-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re approached by a woman who says, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you look like you’re good with computers…”

Because yeah, I am good with computers — but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to give off the kind of vibe that when a woman looks at me she thinks, “That guy right there! That guy looks really good with computers.”

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Originally published on: May 23, 2012 @ 13:32

Reverse psychology

reverse-psychology-zero-dean

So… a girl walks into the cafe I’m in.

But she doesn’t just “walk” in. She makes a performance out of it, passing by me several times. Why? I don’t know.

She then sits 3 empty seats away from me at the opposite end of the “bar”, against the wall, but facing my direction.

And then proceeds to act *completely* disinterested…

So she’s interested, right?

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Originally published on: Dec 21, 2011 @ 10:25

Ink and paper

ink-and-paper-zero-dean

Walk up to cafe counter.

Without saying a word, the manager puts a coffee cup down for me. I hand him my card and he rings me up.

This level of efficiency is astounding — and I don’t want to mess this up.

“Need the paperwork?” he asks.

I smile, “Nope. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this transaction.”

And then I walked away like the ghost of Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch would would be proud.

*Miss you Mitch.

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RE: Mitch Hedberg (video)

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Originally published on: Oct 12, 2013 @ 14:40

Like literally

like-literally-zero-dean

That awkward moment you are, like, literally, like, sitting in a cafe near a girl who is, like, literally, like talking to her friend and, like, literally, like, using the words literally and like, like, literally every few words.

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Originally published on: Nov 11, 2014 @ 16:33

Denial

denial-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re about to write a post about how the music currently playing in the cafe you’re in sounds like something out of a porno…

But then you come to your senses and realize you’ve never ever ever EVER seen a porno in your entire life and you have absolutely no idea or frame of reference at all as to what porn soundtracks may or may not sound like and people definitely shouldn’t judge you for wanting to make a joke about it.

I know nothing. I deny everything!

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Originally published on: Nov 15, 2014 @ 15:40

The lefty

the-lefty-zero-dean

At cafe.

One of the regulars and his wife walk in.

He sees me, smiling, “I see you’re a lefty today.”

No idea what he means, “What?”

“You parked your car in the other row today!”

Laughing, “You’re right!”

That awkward moment the former Mayor of the city not only knows what vehicle you drive, he knows where you typically park it.

O_O

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Basketball

In cafe.

Older lady friend sees me and comes over. I’m drawing on my tablet.

“I don’t know how you do it.”
“Do what?”
“Draw. I’m a terrible artist.”

“Well, I have a question for you. How often do you draw?”
“I don’t draw. I’m terrible.”

“Alright. But imagine we were talking about basketball and you told me you were terrible at basketball and I asked you how often you played and you said ‘never’.

Do you think anyone who is any good at basketball never plays?

No. They play a lot.

Because anyone who is any good at anything practices at that thing until they get better. And the more they practice, the better they get. So no. You’re not a terrible artist. You’ve just never put in the time necessary to get better than ‘terrible’.”

And this is why I can be a pain in the ass to talk to.

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The cafe mug

the-cafe-mug-zero-dean

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In cafe.

Go up to the cafe counter to purchase coffee. The cashier hands me a mug. The general manager sees it and goes, “A mug? You never use a mug!”

“I know. I forgot my travel mug in my car.”

Manager turns to the cashier, “Just give it to him.”

“Hey, I can just go get my mug.”

“No, no. I want to see what happens.”

And I’m thinking, “What’s going to happen?” O_o

Well, I’ll tell you what happens…

I’m going to drink complimentary coffee out of the mug they gave me… and make all my dreams come true. And maybe go up for a second or third cup when I’m finished.

And hope nothing too crazy happens.

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