Zero Dean: Spam Consultant.

I’m thinking about starting a course for spammers. You know, teach legitimate looking punctuation and grammar.

Maybe offer some other hot tips like adding a subject and using a realistic looking email address… and maybe an official looking signature at the bottom.

Because… well, “Mr.David James” got me to perk up for just a second. You were so close, “Mr.David”. So close!

You were different. You weren’t like all the others offering me awesome Penus Elnargemt pllis and such…

“Spam Consultant” — yeah, sounds profitable…

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Born for business

born-for-business-zero-dean

I just realized while sitting in my car with the engine running that sitting in my car with the engine running probably costs me about $5 an hour.

So now I’m sitting in my car with the engine running trying to figure out a viable business plan where I can charge people $10 an hour to sit in my car with the engine running…

Yeah! I was born for business, baby!

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Cup-holder vortex

Today I have finally concluded that there are dormant gravitational forces between the two front seats of my car — specifically in the area surrounding the cup-holder.

And that these gravitational forces are only activated under two very specific conditions:

  • 1. There is a lidless cup in the cup-holder — and this lidless cup contains liquid.
  • 2. There is an electronic device nearby that is small enough to fit in that cup.

Under these conditions, the space between my seats becomes a vortex hell-bent on liberating the world of small, but proportionately expensive, electronic items.

In the past, my phone has been sucked into that space, but quick thinking on my part (mainly, “WTF, phone!? You don’t belong in there!”) managed to save and resuscitate the device.

I thought it would be the same with my beloved bluetooth mouse (“WTF, mouse!? You don’t belong in there!”), which I managed to retrieve in under 3 seconds. Surely a bluetooth mouse can handle being submerged for 3 seconds in water… but no.

Three days later and it powers up, but is done heeding my commands in any fashion that resembles heeding commands.

Blaaaaaast yoooooou cup-holder vortex!

*thinks “Now if I could only figure out a viable business plan that involved having people’s small electronic devices sucked to their doom in the space between the front seats in my car…”*

Oh yes! There is always opportunity in crisis!

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Self-serve discovery

I have discovered that if you serve yourself something from the self-serve section of the grocery store, but then decide you don’t want it, the store throws your self-served bag of orphaned goodness away.

I am now trying to determine a tactful way to exploit this potentially profitable discovery.

I picture it going something like this:

*Cashier starts ringing me up.*

That’s when I say, “Oh — oops! Sorry, I’ve just decided that I don’t want this bag of self-serve delicious.”

*Cashier would then take bag and set it aside on counter.*

That’s when I say, “Hey, I know I just said that I didn’t want that, but if you’re just going to throw that bag away, I’ll be happy to see that it doesn’t go to waste!”

Self-serve loophole for the win! This could be huge!

Next step, coming up with a business plan!

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El Mariachi band

el-mariachi-band-zero-dean

Soooo…

I was considering hiring a Mariachi band for 4 hours so I can have them follow me around while I take a long walk in San Francisco… but then I was thinking, people might actually pay me to see that. O_o

I think I might be onto something.

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Themes:

Athletic cut

Has discovered that wearing a tight shirt at the gym makes my muscles look bigger.

I’m pretty sure I can come up with a business plan to exploit this awesome discovery. But first I need to overcome the issue involving everything else under the shirt looking bigger, too.

And by “everything else”, I mean fatness.

Screw it! I’m looking for venture capital anyway!

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The biodegradability of chewing gum

the-biodegradability-of-chewing-gum-zero-dean

Everyone talks about plastics, but chewing gum isn’t biodegradable either. Therefore, I am now trying to work out a business plan that involves gum recycling.

There are so many amazing possibilities!

For example, imagine portable gum recycling units where everyone spits out their gum. Then the machine works its magic and by the next morning you have a fresh, albeit slightly used, batch of flavorful gum!

Or government subsidized gum recycling centers where used gum is turned into highway crack filler!

Seriously, gum recycling possibilities are endless!

And this is how I will make my fortune!

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Sweaty shirts

sweaty-shirts-zero-dean

When my sports apparel business gets off the ground, I’m going to design a shirt that indicates when you are done working out by how saturated with sweat it is.

Maybe a shirt that when dry, already appears wet in all the places that you don’t normally sweat. So as you sweat, it is basically filling in the gaps.

And I shall call them… Sweaty Shirts™!

Ah yes. This will be a big seller.

I can feel it.

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5 dollar haircuts

5-dollar-haircuts-zero-dean

I just wanted to let everyone know that, if you are in the San Francisco Bay area, I will totally cut your hair for only $5.

While I don’t have any formal experience or training — and frankly, no idea what I’m doing — I can guarantee you a unique new haircut that will get you much more attention than your old haircut.

Five bucks for a five minute cut is all it takes.

Bring your friends and I will totally cut their hair for 5 bucks, too.

I will also trim your pet’s hair.

Dogs, cats, rabbits, hamsters, you name it, I’ll trim it.

I’ll even cut your neighbor’s pet’s hair.

All for only 5 bucks.

*Operators are standing by.

*But that has nothing to do with this. It just seemed like the thing to say.

[Fine print goes here.]

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Click here for details about my new book.