Cookie biz

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I’ve finally decided that I want in on this Girl Scout cookies thing.

As such, it is my pleasure to announce that I am founding the Giant Female Cyborg Pirate Ninja Cookie Company – or GFCPNCC for short.

I should also point out, it’s our cookies that are giant, not our female cyborg pirate ninjas (those are just regular size).

Giant or not, those Girl Scouts don’t stand a chance against the GFCPNCC army! Muahahaha!

Also, I’m pretty sure our cookies will be reasonably delicious.

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Originally published on: Oct 3, 2014 @ 12:42

MMMCo

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Weird thought of the day:

Someone should write a Handbag Handbook Handbook specifically for people who want to write Handbag Handbooks but don’t know where to start.

Heck, someone should simply start a Handbook Handbook company.

Aww heck, I’ll do it.

Mostly because I just thought of a great name for the company:

Manuel’s Manual Manuals Company.

That’s right. MMMCo. Where every manual is made manually.

I can see it now:

Manuel’s Manual Manuals Company brings you the Handbag Handbook Handbook.

This may be the best idea I’ve ever had!

Now I just need a business plan.

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Originally published on: Jul 14, 2014 @ 16:51

I’m surrounded by thieves

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That awkward moment you come up with a funny product idea for a fake business…

Only to then realize it’s actually a good idea.

So yeah. I just totally wasted my time because I can’t share my idea with anyone or else someone is going to steal it and make millions.

Dammit.

*In other news, it would be cool if I could only figure out some way to make money.

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VST2K™

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When I’m a bazillionaire, I’m going to invent a technology that provides subtitles for people who don’t verbalize clearly.

That’s right, for only 3 easy payments of $19.99, the Virtual Subtitle Tech 2000™ (VST2K™) will allow you to never have to ask someone to repeat themselves 3 times — only to ultimately just nod and smile because you still have absolutely no idea what they said.

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Combover achiever

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That awkward moment you discover that there’s a particular hair on your head that grows at about five times the rate of all the other hairs on your head…

There’s a business plan in there somewhere, I just know it.

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The sweat shop

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I always like to check whether I can trust people’s opinions by asking them if something I say sounds stupid.

“Does the fact I want to open a sweat shop that literally sells sweat sound stupid to you?”

And if they say the stupid thing I said isn’t stupid, I know they can’t be trusted.

Except with this literal sweat shop idea I came up with while writing this. I kind of like it.

The Sweat Shop®. We’ll sell sweat, sweaters, and sweat accessories.

I dunno. Does that sound stupid to you?

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Likers Incorporated

I’m thinking about starting a “Like service”. It would basically be like a dog walking service, but instead of walking your dogs when you’re not available, it’s a service that likes posts for you on Facebook.

Heck, maybe it’ll be a whole Social Media outsourcing service.

That way you can *appear* to be active on social media without ever having to actually spend any time on it.

That’s right, for only $5 per week I will take care of all of your social media responsibilities.

And for only $5 more, I will pretend to be your boyfriend (or girlfriend).

And for $5 more, I will actually be your boyfriend or girlfriend. As long as you don’t mind if I see other people. And make money from them.

Lots and lots of money.

Muahahaha!

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Terrible fun

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New Kickstarter project idea:

Find the segment of the population — who are online dating — that don’t actually like to have fun, like to laugh, or like dogs.

These fine citizens could probably shed a lot of light on the dark side of the human condition.

I think it would be fascinating.

“So, Bob. You don’t like laughing, having fun, or dogs?”
“No, sir. Can’t stand ’em.”

“Have you ever had fun, Bob?”
“Yes. I had fun once. It was awful.”

“You wouldn’t by any chance happen to like drama, would you, Bob?”
“Looove drama. Can’t get enough of it, really.”

Stretch goal:

Get the FBI involved, because these people are probably hiding something.

But also because they’d love the drama.

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Premium content

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In a continued effort to generate income, I will now be experimenting with providing jokes without their punchlines and stories without their endings.

Starting today, punchlines and story endings are considered “premium content” and available for $1.00 each or at a reduced rate for monthly or annual premium content subscribers.

You can also buy punchlines and story endings in bundles of 10 for only $7.50 or 100 for $50.00.

So remember, if you don’t find something funny, it’s probably because it’s missing a punchline.

And if a post has a cliffhanger — or simply makes no sense — it’s because

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Click here for details about my new book.