On the bottle

on-the-bottle-zero-dean

That awkward moment you read the warning label on a bottle of vitamins and it says, “Do not take if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.”

And you’re like, well, it’s highly unlikely I’ll become pregnant, but I don’t want to rule out the possibility of spontaneous male pregnancy entirely.

Also shouldn’t take while breastfeeding.

Dammit.

This bottle of vitamins should come with a buzz kill warning.

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Originally published on: Jun 16, 2014 @ 20:12

Boundaries maintained

boundaries-maintained-zero-dean

That awkward moment you walk out to your car in the parking lot and discover you accidentally left it unlocked.

When that happens, I like to pretend that I did it on purpose and was really just testing people.

Nothing stolen?

Good job, humans! You pass!

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Originally published on: Nov 29, 2014 @ 18:20

Seven, Eight, Ten

seven-eight-ten-zero-dean

That awkward moment you overhear a heavily accented conversation in the men’s locker room and it includes the statement:

“I had like 4 roommates, but I ate them.”

And no one bats an eye.

*shrugs*

I guess I heard that wrong…

Unless I didn’t. O_O

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*Why “seven, eight, ten”? Because 7 ate 9. That’s why.

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Originally published on: Feb 5, 2014 @ 10:13

Indefinite endings

indefinite-endings-zero-dean

That awkward moment you start a sentence and you have no idea where it’s going or where it will eventually end up because you haven’t really thought that far ahead and it reminds you of when you were a kid and your teacher told you not to write run-on sentences and you were like, “I’m not, I just have a lot to say!” but she didn’t seem to understand in much the same way as when you talk to cats and they just give you that look that says, “Whatever you’re saying, human, stop now. I’m not interested.” which is different from dogs because all dogs ever think are “Is it time to play ball?”, “Can I eat it?”, “Should I pee on it?” and “I wonder if it will be friends with me.” so yeah, sometimes sentences are like driving in a blizzard (or a light rain, for you Californians), you never know where you’ll end up.

Usually happens in interviews or when you suddenly realize you have no idea what you’re talking about and desperately try to find a way out or when you suddenly find yourself talking with people that you realize you have no interest in talking with.

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Originally published on: Jul 12, 2014 @ 13:09

Good with computers

good-with-computers-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re approached by a woman who says, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you look like you’re good with computers…”

Because yeah, I am good with computers — but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to give off the kind of vibe that when a woman looks at me she thinks, “That guy right there! That guy looks really good with computers.”

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Originally published on: May 23, 2012 @ 13:32

Grand theft vocabulary

grand-theft-vocabulary-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re having a conversation with someone and you use a really good, but rarely used, word…

And you’re kind of proud you thought to use it, because it fit perfectly and you’re not even sure where it came from.

Perhaps it was a gift from the vocabulary gods.

But then the person you’re talking to proceeds to use the exact same word in the exact same conversation with you.

Like, they steal that word from you!

Right in front of you!

And you look at them like you know what they did.

But they look at you like you have no idea.

And all you can think now is, “You dirty little word stealer!”

;)

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Originally published on: Jul 24, 2014 @ 18:11

Faux alarm

faux-alarm-zero-dean

That awkward moment when you think you see someone you don’t want to see —

but it only turns out to be their doppelganger.

And then you feel a weird sense of disappointment because you went through the whole awkward emergency emotional response —

for nothing. O_o

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Originally published on: Dec 22, 2013 @ 14:09

I have no recollection of that

i-have-no-recollection-of-that-zero-dean

That awkward infinite brain loop that happens when you start thinking about all the things you may have forgotten in your life, but you can’t remember them because you can’t remember them. O_o

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Originally published on: Aug 24, 2013 @ 16:13

Pseudo sarcasm

pseudo-sarcasm-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re accidentally sarcastic with someone when they ask you a question…

So your sarcastic sounding, “Yeah, I’m gonna do that.” sounds like, “There is no way I’m gonna do that.”, but you actually meant was, “Yeah, I’m gonna do that.”

Inflection. Yeah, it like totally matters.

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Originally published on: Jan 31, 2014 @ 19:41

Catch the wave

catch-the-wave-zero-dean

That awkward moment someone waves at you at the gym and you don’t know them, but you decide to wave back…

Only to realize half a second into it that they’re not waving at you, but at their friend behind you…

But at this point, you’re fully committed to waving, so you wave anyway.

Because waving. It’s friendly.

Hell yeah.

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Originally published on: Jul 16, 2014 @ 11:14

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