Whenever I accidentally drop something and I don’t want people to think I’m clumsy, I make sure to scold whatever it is I dropped to make it look like I did it on purpose.
“That’s right, water bottle! And if you disrespect me again, don’t think I won’t leave your plastic ass right here.”
“These keys right here? These keys are terrible! I don’t need you, keys!”
“Stop being a jerk, pen! You know how I feel when you make my handwriting look bad!”
“You’re a disgrace, napkin! You, too, brother-of-that-other-napkin! The whole napkin lot of you are just bad to the bone.”
“This food I had in my mouth? My mouth rejects you! You sit there and think about what you did.”
You know how it goes.