Relatively speaking

relatively-speaking-zero-dean

I think the problem with asking the Universe for something is not that the Universe doesn’t answer, but that if time and space are infinite, then getting the universe to answer you within your own lifetime, let alone in the same week you ask for something, is like trying to find a specific atom on a specific day a billion years ago.

What is a billion years in infinity? It’s not even a blink of an eye.

Maybe every girl who wishes for a pony has their wish granted, but due to the scope of space and time, it doesn’t necessarily show up when and where it’s actually wanted…

Even if, in the grand scope of things, it’s pretty darn close.

I picture a lot ponies floating around in space.

O_O

Whoa. What’s in that juice I drank?

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Related:

Originally published on: Jun 26, 2014 @ 16:54

Seven, Eight, Ten

seven-eight-ten-zero-dean

That awkward moment you overhear a heavily accented conversation in the men’s locker room and it includes the statement:

“I had like 4 roommates, but I ate them.”

And no one bats an eye.

*shrugs*

I guess I heard that wrong…

Unless I didn’t. O_O

Read the comments on Facebook

*Why “seven, eight, ten”? Because 7 ate 9. That’s why.

Themes:

Related:

Originally published on: Feb 5, 2014 @ 10:13

Grrr.

grrr-zero-dean

Weird thought of the day:

I bet the first words ever spoken by a human being were, “What was that?”

Followed by screaming.

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

From the comments:

Bert: I’m thinking it was “What’s in here?”

Followed by screaming.

Zero: A likely alternative!

Originally published on: Jul 15, 2014 @ 11:58

Indefinite endings

indefinite-endings-zero-dean

That awkward moment you start a sentence and you have no idea where it’s going or where it will eventually end up because you haven’t really thought that far ahead and it reminds you of when you were a kid and your teacher told you not to write run-on sentences and you were like, “I’m not, I just have a lot to say!” but she didn’t seem to understand in much the same way as when you talk to cats and they just give you that look that says, “Whatever you’re saying, human, stop now. I’m not interested.” which is different from dogs because all dogs ever think are “Is it time to play ball?”, “Can I eat it?”, “Should I pee on it?” and “I wonder if it will be friends with me.” so yeah, sometimes sentences are like driving in a blizzard (or a light rain, for you Californians), you never know where you’ll end up.

Usually happens in interviews or when you suddenly realize you have no idea what you’re talking about and desperately try to find a way out or when you suddenly find yourself talking with people that you realize you have no interest in talking with.

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Related:

Originally published on: Jul 12, 2014 @ 13:09

Disc Golf.

disc-golf-zero-dean

Dear Facebook Ads,

Thank you for pointing out my singleness and suggesting that I:

“Meet local women that love to disc golf.”

I’m not saying that wouldn’t be awesome, but seriously — I’ve got much sexier “likes” than THAT.

For example…

Crap.

OK FINE.

You win this round.

See the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Originally published on: Feb 7, 2012 @ 12:20

Good with computers

good-with-computers-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re approached by a woman who says, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you look like you’re good with computers…”

Because yeah, I am good with computers — but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to give off the kind of vibe that when a woman looks at me she thinks, “That guy right there! That guy looks really good with computers.”

See the comments on Facebook.

Themes:

Related:


Originally published on: May 23, 2012 @ 13:32

Grand theft vocabulary

grand-theft-vocabulary-zero-dean

That awkward moment you’re having a conversation with someone and you use a really good, but rarely used, word…

And you’re kind of proud you thought to use it, because it fit perfectly and you’re not even sure where it came from.

Perhaps it was a gift from the vocabulary gods.

But then the person you’re talking to proceeds to use the exact same word in the exact same conversation with you.

Like, they steal that word from you!

Right in front of you!

And you look at them like you know what they did.

But they look at you like you have no idea.

And all you can think now is, “You dirty little word stealer!”

;)

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Related:

Originally published on: Jul 24, 2014 @ 18:11

"Do I whaaaaat?"

do-i-what-zero-dean

Walking out of Target on my way to my car. A woman calls to me from her car…

“Excuse me, sir. Do you work alone?”

I’m thinking, well that’s a weird question, ‘What?’ I reply.

“Do you work alone?”

Again I say, ‘What!?’, because I have no idea how to respond to a complete stranger asking that question.

I mean, is she asking me if I’m self employed? Is she hitting on me? Is she looking for work? Is this some kind of Las Vegas prostitute thing!?

“Do you work alone?”

Ok, clearly I’m not getting it, so I say, ‘Ok, are you saying, “Do I work alone?”‘

“No,” she laughs and looks at me like I’m slow, “Dooo. Yooou. Wearrrr. Cologne?”

Yup. That just happened.

What was she doing? She was giving out free samples of cologne and selling cheap knock offs from her car.

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Originally published on: Apr 9, 2013 @ 13:41

Hot web comic action

hot-web-comic-action-zero-dean

I’ve decided that in order to increase my eccentricity factor, from this day forth, instead of simply ordering anything like a normal person, I shall now request [descriptive name of item] plus the word “action”.

For example, if I want coffee, I shall now order “hot coffee action”.
If I want a bagel, I shall request “sweet blueberry bagel action”.

Oh yes.

It took me a while to get to this point, but now that I’m on the brink of making this transition, it just feels right.

Awww yeah. We’ve got some eccentric decision making action going on right here.

Read the comments on Facebook

Themes:

Related:

Originally published on: Dec 12, 2013 @ 14:28

Click here for details about my new book.