That awkward moment you’re working on your laptop in a cafe and discover that the best way to block out the sound of obnoxious patrons who have no sense of volume control is by playing the ambient sounds of another cafe in your headphones.
That awkward moment you’re at Trader Joe’s and the cashier asks you if you would like a bag. And you look at your stuff and think, that’s not a bad idea! And you’re kind of excited about it. Because you rarely buy more things than you can carry.
So you’re thinking that’s not a bad idea and let’s do it! And exclaim in an excited voice, “Let’s not!”
And then I had to laugh and explain that my brain and I have a special relationship. She looked at me and was very understanding.
The problem with the expression “Strangers are simply friends you haven’t met yet” is that my friends probably wouldn’t mind — quite so much — when I playfully whip their butts with my towel when I walk behind them at the gym.
Who knew that big guys could run that fast!? ;)
Originally published on: Aug 23, 2013 @ 10:57
You have to use your imagination, but I’m on the right in this picture.
I’m on the left.
I mean to the left of the person on the right, but to the right of the person on the left.
The rest is up to you.
Like I said, you have to use your imagination.
Originally published on: Jun 26, 2014 @ 21:49
How come when I do something ridiculous, I almost always have an audience…
But when I do something awesome, there are never any witnesses to my awesomeness… Even in a crowded gym.
Kick flipping that yoga ball onto the rack just now was awesome.
Audience = 0.
I believe there has to be some kind of universal law dictating that the size of your viewing audience is inversely proportional to the degree to which your action was awesome.
Originally published on: Sep 28, 2012 @ 09:46
That awkward moment you read the warning label on a bottle of vitamins and it says, “Do not take if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.”
And you’re like, well, it’s highly unlikely I’ll become pregnant, but I don’t want to rule out the possibility of spontaneous male pregnancy entirely.
Also shouldn’t take while breastfeeding.
This bottle of vitamins should come with a buzz kill warning.
Originally published on: Jun 16, 2014 @ 20:12
What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover.
… But I’ll settle for a slightly used one.
As long as she still runs well, gets good mileage, and isn’t going to raise my insurance premiums.
RE: Dead Or Alive – Brand New Lover (video)
Originally published on: Oct 29, 2014 @ 09:50
That awkward moment you walk out to your car in the parking lot and discover you accidentally left it unlocked.
When that happens, I like to pretend that I did it on purpose and was really just testing people.
Good job, humans! You pass!
Originally published on: Nov 29, 2014 @ 18:20